Be You !!

Hi Readers, 

Over the past few weeks I have attended funerals for two blokes who were my age, and who I grew up with. What really struck me at last week's funeral was that this person had lots of plans to do things with his wife in the next year or so until he was suddenly cut down by an aggressive illness that took him way too soon. Sadly their plans are not to be.

For my other friend who passed away recently, also to an aggressive cancer, he too had lots of plans for his immediate future with his wife, plans that also will not be.

A few days before he died, he sent me a lengthy letter that I will treasure, and in it he just said that if I was wondering whether I should do some of the things I was thinking about, then I should just go and do them, as we just never know when these opportunities will be taken from us.

Needless to say there has been a fair bit of reflection recently, and part of this has involved thinking about this blog and the posts that I write. I get feedback from readers that is much appreciated, but the only the thing that tends to puzzle me is when people question me about how open I am at times, sometimes raising their eyebrows as if to say "Why do you do this?"

Well, I often ask myself the same question.

At first I was very hesitant to openly express vulnerability, but now it doesn't bother me at all. And what has prompted this post came about when I was browsing through my blog stats recently where it shows which posts have been read each day.

There were quite a few for some reason that day, maybe a new reader, and although I often recall the headings, I often forget the content.

One in particular stood out for some reason, so I clicked on it to see what I wrote that day, and it could not have been more coincidental considering how I have been feeling after these two recent funerals.

It was titled "I've Had Better Weeks" and was written a few days after my sister died in 2022 and just a day or two after Jen suddenly ended up in ICU and was in a critical condition.

Click this link for a quick recap and you'll see what I mean.

https://bkerrins63.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-rough-few-weeks.html

This was the first time that I started to write more openly without worrying about what others were thinking about me. It talks about what I had been reading and who I had been listening to that gave me the courage to write with more freedom and not worry about what others would think about it. I wasn't writing to stir people up, I was just sharing the thoughts that I would otherwise keep to myself. The writing was giving me an avenue to express myself when I had no-one else to talk to as I was living in isolation so as to restrict any chances of infections being transmitted to the hospital.

At a time this week where I was questioning as to whether I should cut back the writing and just shut up, reading this post again has given me new incentive to keep pursuing what I really enjoy, and what helps me in so many ways.

And more coincidence, last week I met a colleague for lunch as he is on leave. I actually really dislike referring to him as a colleague, he is just a really good friend, and we caught up as friends rather than ex work colleagues.

He mentioned my writing and how he liked that I was prepared to be open and honest, just the support that I was needing and something that has prompted this post too, giving me the motivation to really get off my arse and get back into doing the thing that keeps me sane!!

So after a lengthy introduction, I can finally get to the point of this post.

Be You.

I'm sure you'll all agree that we can tend to portray ourselves differently at times according to the situations we are in or to who we are with. Or is that just me?

I found that was what I was doing with my writing. For the first few years I was just writing fluffy staff, or just talking about things that I had done. I was rarely letting the real me become evident or exposed in what I wrote. The book that I'm currently reading is definitely helping to address that, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F$%K!!"

Boy has that helped me to not worry about what others think!!

So as today is just such a crappy day, and I have no motivation to go outside I may as well bang on here with more of my fluff!

I was in the study recently giving it a tidy up and throwing things out, and I came across a set of farewell notes that I received from the kids at the school I finished at.

One note in particular really grabbed my attention, and also prompted this post.

When I was a student at secondary school I was made to feel like the village idiot with my maths skills, or lack of to be more accurate! The way I was made to feel never left me, and when I became a teacher I vowed to try and never let a student feel the same way about their learning. If I have, then I am so sorry!! 

That is why I really dedicated myself to trying to be the best at teaching maths that I could be, and along the way I grew to love it again. If I made any kids feel the same then that would be great. My enthusiasm for the teaching and learning of maths was what really kept me in the game for 38 years, and I'm somewhat disappointed to see the way it is being taught now, but that is not for me to question. When I do CRT days I follow what is prescribed without question, but it still doesn't sit with me. That's just the way it is.

But this approach was something that defined me, and displayed the real me.

I'm not saying that I know maths, but I feel that I can at least make it fun to do.

Now back to the note that I found in the study.

Some people might get offended by something like this, but I couldn't have cared less. I've heard the saying "You're only young once, but you can be immature all of the time", and I'm sure many colleagues over the years will probably say this could apply to me, but having fun was what I always tried to do. If that was who I was, then that was who I was.

There were times that I tried to be super serious like so many others, but I just couldn't hack it, so if "being a kid" was what worked then so be it. It wasn't faked, it was just how I rolled. I'm sure the kids at times wished that I'd act more like a grown up from time to time!!

Probably the best thing about this note is that it helps me to understand how I always had pretty good relationships with the classes that I taught. It wasn't a circus, (contrary to popular opinion!!) I could be firm when needed but in my final years in particular I found that I had the greatest success and enjoyment with this approach and that the kids were. more engaged as a result and easy to teach.

Being You is not a set template that we never deviate from. Well, that's what I've grown to think.

Jen and the boys would often tell me that I needed to just try and be calmer, as I'd often be on the move, always doing things and just not sitting and relaxing. It would be a running joke about how many times I'd get up and do things when watching a movie for example, I always seemed to get up and get something, or do something else while watching the movie at the same time.

Over the past 4 years now, I really think that has changed as I now don't mind just going and sitting on the swinging chair out on the porch, or playing music and just sitting or laying down and listening to it. Even better with a cold drink in my hand especially if I've just come off an exercise session (some things just don't change!)

I even walk barefoot on the grass and feel it between my toes!!

And how's this one.

I even burn incense in the house and out on the porch!!! This came about after walking into a shop in Ballarat last year and smelling it and realising how calming it was. I have boxes and boxes of the stuff, diffuser sticks in bottles and a diffuser going all the time in the living room. I even explore different scents and in my own mind am becoming my own expert in choosing which ones work best for me.

I do love a good linen shirt for comfort, but just don't think that I'll gravitate to a kaftan.

Yet!!!

I did mention earlier that I sometimes can't sit still long enough. Lately I've noticed if I sit still for not very long on the couch I more often than not nod off, so I'm sort of trying to avoid the couch during the day! Maybe that's also the legacy of getting up so early every morning. 

Part of 'being me' is daily exercise. I've always done it, it makes me feel good and I can't see it changing. Perhaps that's also why I have so many injuries and ailments. As I type here I have my hand in a splint that I have been told to wear for god only knows how long. As regulars know, I recently had a hand op. While the recovery is slow, I can accept that.

Last week while having a post op check done, I mentioned some problems I was experiencing with my thumb. The surgeon said that this was mainly due to the advancing arthritis that I have. He did say that it could possibly be sort of fixed with another op that was quite detailed. No promise of fixing it, and it also came with the news that I'd lose the function to grip with my thumb as significant bone would be cut out. So when faced with the option of a permanent sore hand or a non functioning one, the choice was fairly simple.

I also had to choose between getting the required op on my other hand, or the one on my shoulder. As I didn't want to be faced with two very sore hands at the same time I opted for the shoulder, so I have that to look forward to in a few weeks.

Hopefully once I get these done that will be it for surgeries. Touch wood.

This is me, not sick, just falling apart. Or should I say being stitched back together?

Part of being me is definitely being able to laugh at myself and the situations I end up being in.

But Readers, maybe loving exercise has also been beneficial too.

Just yesterday I was in a business here in Bendigo and the young man who was looking after me just happened to be a past student who I hadn't actually taught as I wasn't in a classroom situation then, but he remembered me very well.

As he was taking my details for a potential purchase I was making, he saw the splint on my hand and noticed my slight limp. He politely asked if these were the result of football injuries, to which I replied "Sort of", as football had contributed to them.

He then asked, "Who are you playing for?"

Do you reckon that floored me!! He was under the impression that I was still playing competitive football!!

I said to him, "Tom, do you have any idea how old I am?", and then told him that I am nearly 63 years old. He just sat there wide eyed and said "B%$#&^%T". He knew I was 'older', but not to that extent, so maybe the exercise is helping slightly!!  He also recalled that when he knew me at school that I would joke around a bit with him and his siblings, maybe that's why he thought I was younger. Or just immature still!!

Well Readers, not much more to add, well actually, I could bang on for ages but you'd need a defibrillator to wake you up again. I am pretty excited about the next few weeks 

(exclude the shoulder op) as I recently made bookings for trips to Torquay to visit one son and then Qld to visit another as he and his family come back from Dubai for a few weeks break. Rather than having not much to look forward to, I now have bookings to commit to and have some definite structure in my life for the next period of time. So as soon as this foul weather clears I'm off and really looking forward to it, and exploring some new places along the way.

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 Home Is Where The Heart Is...

Hi Readers,

Well today has been a great day, but also a not so great day all wrapped up in one. And each part could not have happened without the other, sad to say.

You see, just under two weeks ago a person who I grew up with in my hometown passed away rather quickly after being diagnosed with a serious illness. We had spent quite a bit of time mucking around together in our childhood years, and pretty much had little to do with each other after I moved away, save for the year when I last played football for the local club. On the rare occasions when we would cross paths he was always just so friendly and welcoming, that's just the sort of bloke he was. As is his family.

Today was his funeral and it was held on the local football ground as it was clearly going to be a big show and there are no indoor facilities big enough there to cater for the anticipated crowd. How ironic that the local ground is named in his father's honour due to the legacy he left when he passed many years ago.

So today the sun didn't really come up. If it did, we didn't see it until very late in the afternoon when I was coming home. We were shrouded in thick fog all morning and it was very cold to say the least. No rain, so that was a blessing. 

As I was parking my car I started to wonder "Will I remember everyone? Or anyone?

My worries were put to rest as soon as I parked my car, as I hear someone say "Hey Bernard". It was the parents of one of my childhood friends and they were struggling a bit getting out of their car and across some mud. An outstretched hand was all they needed and a quick chat as we walked towards the ground filled us in with the main things we had been up to over recent years. Three people sharing 30 years in just 2-3 minutes.

Little did I know how many times this scenario would repeat itself over the next few hours.

I ran into quite a number of people who I hadn't really seen in 30 years or more, and each time it was just a quick summary of what each had been up to in that time. Nothing rushed at all, and anything that was shared was all that needed to be shared.

This was a different funeral setting, nothing like I had attended before, but for this person it was just perfect. And also perfect for the large community of mourners who came to pay their respects. There were seats for those who needed them, while the majority just stood in a large semi circle facing the podium and video truck that was transmitting the images. It was casual, but also so very organised at the same time.

As I entered the ground, casually chatting with an old acquaintance, I caught sight of an old boarding school mate who I last saw at a reunion 8 years ago. We were good friends at boarding school, but not what I'd call close. Today that was totally different. 

A warm embrace and once again we found ourselves seemingly continuing on from our last discussions all those years ago. Clearly, the bonds we formed so long ago have remained strong. Rather than chat about superficial things, we were pretty much straight in to talking about how we really were, our families, our health and hopes for the future. Also about our upcoming reunion that he was really looking forward to.

He very respectfully asked a few questions about Jen's passing and how I was coping, showing genuine respect and concern as I was responding. At one point he asked if I had thought about looking into perhaps searching for another partner, as many others have done, but this was the first time where I have felt comfortable with my response as he was able to put me at rest with his well measured and heart felt advice. From being friends, but not close all those years ago, today was just like cream on a cake.

As I alluded to in the opening paragraph, it was a great day, but also a not so great day. Everything great happened because a friend had died and had brought us all together again.

I'd rather that our friend hadn't passed in order for this to happen.

There were a number of other catch ups from long lost friends and acquaintances and each time it was just like we had seen each other yesterday instead of more than 30 years ago.

Everyone had a different role in my life, whether that be going to school together, boarding school, our families being friends, playing sport together or working together, which I did with the person whose funeral it was.

And this brings me to the focus of this post.

Home is where the heart is.

I have lived in a number of towns and cities since I left home to go to boarding school, and I have never really considered a place as my "home", even if I had lived there for a number of years. I lived in Ballarat for about 16 years, and now Bendigo for 26 years, but to me they just aren't home, just places I've lived. Our sons might think differently as this is primarily where they were raised. Even when I have travelled interstate, or even overseas, while I am there I keep thinking that I don't want to go back to Bendigo. But where do I want to go???? I just don't know...  I just don't feel where my "home" is.

As I was looking around the crowd at the funeral and at the cemetery, I recognised so many faces and spoke with so many people who all had a special place in my upbringing. And while walking the 15 minutes or so to the cemetery, and back again to my car, I was able to take in the sights, sounds and memories of the environment around me and I realised that this was what really helped me to develop into who I am. Just looking at the mist on the nearby hill that overlooks the township took me back to all those years playing outside on our bikes and just finding our own fun. At one point I was walking alongside a creek where we'd dare each other to try and swim in it, in particular through some tunnels that were clearly dangerous. What were we thinking back then? 

Then I saw the tree that we would always climb and jump off into the channel, the best childhood memories. Just that 30 mins or so of walking along a short road engendered just so many memories, ones that don't get stirred when I occasionally drive through the town.

But after having the memory pot stirred on this walk, and also while listening to the eulogies for our departed friend, I recalled so many of these involved him also.

Sadly it took his passing for me to experience this again.

But perhaps the greatest part of the day involved the catching up with three absolutely special friends who I have always been close to, and today was the first time we had been in the same place at the same time since I don't know when. We didn't gather as a foursome today, but at one point there were three of us together, and we all caught up with each other anyway. One of them was involved in the ceremony today as it was her brother who had passed, so she was flat out catching up with everybody, but it was still just so good to see the three of them. When Jen was really sick in Melbourne and in hospital, I was living in nearby accommodation. Visitors to the accommodation were not permitted due to the risks of infections being transmitted, so I could only meet them outside on the footpath, even though Jen was in the hospital nearby. No surprise that it was these three who made special trips to come and see me and walk the streets of North Melbourne with me, giving their total support. I'll never forget that, it made the worst time in my life just that little bit more bearable. I can trust these three with anything.

And who would have thought that when I was sitting in class with them, or playing tennis or footy with them nearly 50 years ago that I'd be writing this about them today. Just last year we had been saying that we needed to get together, what a shame it has finally happened under the circumstances of today.

Yep. Home is where the heart is.

So after my experiences today I think that I know where "home" is if anyone asks me. 

My hometown. 

I won't go back and live there, not because I don't want to, I just don't think that it will happen. I know where my final resting place will be and that's just up the road from where I live, there is no other option on that for sure. It might not be "home", but it's the only place I want to be placed, with Jen. My remains might end up in White Hills, but my heart will always have a special place for my hometown, just as Jen considered Port Fairy to be her "home".

And while on the subject of cemeteries, while I was standing and watching the burial, I was in a direct line and only 10m or so from our brother's grave and our parent's grave. I'm pretty sure that they felt this was their "home", and I felt content that they were resting peacefully there.

Today wasn't just a funeral for one person and his family. I could really sense the impact of his death on the whole community, such was his standing and how much the people in this community value each other.

I for one consider myself extremely fortunate to have spent just a portion of my life there, and it reinforces that saying, that "Home is where the heart is".

Until my next post,

Cheers ♥️

Deja Vu?

 Deja Vu?

Hi Readers, 

Another gap between posts, not for want of trying, I’ve just had a mental block for the past few weeks and haven’t been able to get off my arse and write. Until this morning.

I have had a bit on over the past few weeks with work and recovery, and it has been the recovery that has held me back the most. As you saw in my last post, I recently had some hand surgery. Well, the first week post op I was thinking “How good is this, bring on the op to the other hand!” That enthusiasm has VERY quickly evaporated as my hand is taking a bit longer to recover than anticipated and continues to be so stiff and sore, meaning I have been avoiding using it where possible, and typing is one of the things that affects it a lot. I’m not complaining for a second, that’s just how it is.

This is the hand two weeks after surgery.

And this is the hand just now, two weeks later.

It does look a bit messy after a few ops on it to correct some tendon problems in each finger, and the carpal tunnel has proven to be more painful than I was expecting. So you can probably understand why I’m now not looking forward to the next one in a few weeks, I find out in a week or so.

Anyway, the focus of this post.

While there is a fair bit of Déjà vu in regards to getting my body chopped, it was not until a few hours ago that I started to think “When have I done this before?”

It was pretty early in the morning and I had to drop my car off at a mechanic in town for a service. Rather than walk the 45 minutes home again, and in the cold and rain, I decided that I’d spend the morning in town and just stroll around the place and actually stop and look at things that I only usually see fleetingly from the car.

                                     STOP PRESS!!!!!

Hi Readers,

you might be wondering why I did a "Stop Press"

This is because since finishing that last paragraph it has been nearly 3 weeks since I have added to this post. No real reason, I just got more involved with other things and although each night I put on my 'Tomorrow List' to finish this post, it has only been until tonight that I have finally pulled my finger out and done it!!! Talk about procrastinating!!

Let me continue from where I left off...

As I was casually walking the the centre of Bendigo on a cold and bleak morning, spending time to take in the sights, sounds and smells, I experienced this overwhelming feeling of "When have I felt like this before?". It just felt that I was reliving a previous experience.

And then it came to me.

We have been so fortunate to have travelled extensively over the past 15 years throughout Europe and Canada. Most of this has usually been done in the northern hemisphere cooler months, although we have experienced warm weather as well. 

And this is what it felt like- just like it has felt like when strolling the streets of Berlin, London, Geneva, Helsinki and Budapest just to name a few. Feeling the cold air against your cheeks, hearing the sounds of traffic and experiencing the different aromas drifting out of different businesses. This never happens in Bendigo. Or does it??

I'd never really experienced this in Bendigo as I'm usually in my car and just zipping around, never really taking the time to soak up the atmosphere. There was probably this thought in my mind that I can only feel these things if I'm overseas rather than in my home town, and it was only when I forced myself to look at some of the older buildings around me that I felt like I was somewhere in Europe again. Maybe this could be how a European visitor to Bendigo might feel when strolling through our streets.

Am I as clear as mud on this??

I'll have to admit here that it was lucky that I was in a small section of our CBD that had most shopfronts occupied, as there are just so may in Bendigo that are empty, a terrible look for our city !

Since that day I have now become more attentive to the environment around me and letting my senses take in whatever they ca.n As a result I am more in tune with my surroundings and appreciating it so much more, and not being in a rush to get from point A to point B. Unless I need to get there more quickly of course!

Just a few hours ago I was walking through the yard in my cycling shorts and a singlet out to the garage to do a cycling session on the roller frame I have set up in there. The rain was tumbling down so I was trying to dodge it as swiftly as I could and get to the shed, keeping in mind that I still can't run to save myself. As I was doing this, feeling the wind blowing and the rain coming in sideways, I was taken back to a similar situation when I felt the same way when Jen and I had to do a mad dash to escape a thunderous downpour in Prague. It was just so weird that this brief experience reminded me of a similar situation so long ago. It didn't evoke memories of a similar situation last month or last year, just the one in Prague 11 years ago.

Why is that??

Deja Vu!!

A lighter deja vu moment occurred on Tuesday when I was called in to work for a day at my old school. I still just can't say no!!

As regular readers would know, I've bought and sold a few caravans in the past two years, trying to find the one that suits me. A colleague very dry faced turned to me and says "So what caravan have you bought this week? Any caravan deja vu?"

I could only laugh as I have created this caravan situation, and even I have to laugh at myself with what I've been doing.

So what other deja vu moments have been happening, since I have lately become more attuned to them for some reason? How about you?? Maybe nothing at all lately, but tomorrow could be entirely different!! I'd love to hear your responses, just hit the comments tab at the bottom of this post to leave an anonymous reply.

For me, these situations are not necessarily 'repeats' of things that have happened recently. Strangely, something might happen to me today, and I straight away get taken back to a similar experience from many years ago.

For instance, a good friend passed away a few weeks ago from a shocking illness that took his life less than 6 months from diagnosis. We went to boarding school 45 years ago but have stayed in touch, even more so over the past 10 years. Another mate from the same friendship group rang me and said he'd come through Bendigo and pick me up and we could attend his memorial service together in Geelong. Dan, the mate who picked me up was soon at my place and the last time we had seen each other was at Jen's funeral 4 years ago, and only briefly on that day. As soon as he walked in the door here was no awkwardness from not seeing each other for so long. It was just like we hadn't seen each other for only a few days, we just seemed to pick up from where we last saw each other. It couldn't have been more perfect, and the 7 hours we spent in the car that day was filled with so much reminiscing , laughs, bullshitting and consoling. And the same occurred when we caught up with another 9 of our boarding school mates who also travelled from far and wide to pay our condolences to Chrisso.

It was mentioned quite a few times when talking with these great mates how we all felt that we were just continuing on with our previous conversations that occurred maybe one year ago, 10 years ago or even 45 years ago.

Deja vu!

I have been well and truly blessed to have met these blokes first of all as a 15 year old boarding school student, and then to have maintained an ever increasing closeness with them especially as we sail into the later years of our lives. 

Coincidentally, a few months ago a few mates from our group asked if I could try and get a 45th Year Reunion off the ground, and it has been a task that I've thoroughly embraced and it will only be a few weeks until we all gather together in Melbourne, and early indications are that it will be a good turnout. Already there are confirmations from WA, Qld, NSW and throughout Victoria. Hopefully another from the NT might be there too!!

Plenty of deja vu moments to be had for sure!!

Not sure if this next one is deja vu or just routine for me, you be the judge.

I went to see my surgeon yesterday for a post-op check up on my hand since my recent op. All was going to plan and he was happy with the recovery. Although it is still so panful, he assured me that this was expected and that the recovery would be lengthy.

And then it came to what would be done next- the other hand, or the shoulder?

He left it up to me, so I opted for the one that gives me the most grief, that being the shoulder. I just didn't want to be fluffing about with both hands really stiff and sore, so that was another reason for the shoulder. As I've already had jobs done on both shoulders in recent years I must have appeared a bit flippant when he spoke about the recovery. Until he stopped and very seriously and matter of factly said "This is going to require quite some work and you need to expect a long recovery" My only problem though is I have finally got my caravan modified and ready to go, but it looks like I won't be physically able to take it away for some time after the shoulder op. I better make the most of the next few weeks!!!

Dej a vu.  Again!

Anyway, as much as I don't want to get it done, I do want to get it done as I'm just totally over being in pain all the time. Just sitting typing this post has aggravated it so I think I'll start to finish up. Then the hand will get done later on and hopefully, hopefully, no more deja vu moments with my limbs!!!

Readers, what I've tried to explain in this post is how our life sometimes flashes before our eyes again at the most random of times. We experience a situation today and for some unknown reason it triggers an oh so similar memory from long ago that may never have come back to us until today. These moments could be super significant and life changing, or as simple as walking across your backyard in the rain wearing a singlet and lycra shorts (not a good look!!!)

I hope that you can make the time (not find the time!) to try and think about the deja vu moments that you might experience, and try to identify why they may have come back to you.

I'm still trying to work that one out, but in the meantime I;; just appreciate the opportunity to bask in the great memories of times gone by.

Until my next post (that won't take 3 weeks to write!)

Cheers 😁

 

 Not Giving a ....

Hi Readers,

Another post in less than a week! This author must:

(a) Have a lot of time on his hands

(b) Found some inspiration from a new book

(c) Feels the need to take things easy for a few days

(d) Found something that he really connects with

(e) All of the above

As I mentioned in my last post, I had hand and wrist surgery a few days ago and have found that the recovery is not going to be as quick or easy as I thought it would be.

"Its just your hand" I was telling myself, so at least I could still ride my bike in the shed (wrong!) Go for long walks (wrong) and pretty much carry on as normal with just a few minor disruptions (wrong)

So last night I decided that I just can't sit at home and watch sport and Netflix all day, so at least I'll be able to write, but even that is quite painful, so I'm not sure how long this post will be. I finished a book over the weekend, one that didn't leave me with many gems of wisdom, but still good all the same. This morning I decided to head out and get a new book, but I just couldn't find a good biography or autobiography which are my favourite genres, so I headed to the self help section and came across this book that I have often heard about, so decided to give it a try.

You can insert whatever word you like in the covered area, but as we are all sensible adults here I'm sure that you generally know what the missing word is!!!

I've only read the first few pages and already I can tell that it is going to be a good read. I hope that I don't have to write another post in a few weeks stating that I was proven so wrong in the end.

Probably the main reason why this book appealed to me is due to the fact that since I started writing more consistently over the past 4 years I have been questioned a number of times about why I write, and what I write about. More precisely, why do I sometimes share some of my innermost feelings and open myself up to potential ridicule.

After what I witnessed with Jen becoming sick and then passing away, I realised that nothing from then onwards could affect me as much as that did. Everything else didn't really matter to me anymore, so if anyone was going to have a crack at me about what I write then it would be like the proverbial water off a ducks back. I just wouldn't give a %$#@! So that's where this book jumps out at me this morning and piqued my interest, and I'm keen to see if there is anything in it that helps to solidify why I now feel this way about so many things.

Let me be clear here Readers (Oh shit, I sound like our Victorian Premier saying that- SORRY!!) there is a difference between not giving a ^%$# and not letting something worry you. There are things that I might not really care about, but at the same time I won't ignore.

For example, I'm not a smoker, and don't give a ^%$# about anyone who smokes. That is until you throw a butt out of your car window, and I'll jot down your rego etc and put in a report to the EPA !! Smoke if you want to, I don't care, but the moment that your smoking has the potential to endanger me or others then I really do give a ^%$#.

As most of you would know by now, I retired around 18 months ago. Before Jen got sick I was so absorbed and passionate about my teaching, and really wanted to explore as many ways that I could improve as possible, always searching for that something else. But when I came back to work ten months later that spark had definitely fizzled. The Mojo had gone.

I'm not saying that when I came back that I didn't give a %$^$, it's just that I couldn't crank it up again, it just wasn't that important to me anymore. I still gave my best and I hope that my reduced enthusiasm wasn't overtly obvious, but I began to feel that my days were numbered as I was just treading water in my work. By the end of my final year in 2024 I'd well and truly had enough and was just not enjoying it anymore, despite making every effort to make it appear that I was. You can only fool oneself and others for so long, so I knew it was time to go.

How ironic that towards the end of last year I started to do a little bit of CRT work and that has continued into this year. I have really enjoyed it but I need to be fully aware of when I start to feel that I have had enough and then it will be time to pull the pin completely.

The absolute last thing I want to happen is that I keep doing CRT work when I might not give a ^%$# anymore. I'm confident I'll identify that long before I decide to finish for good as I wouldn't be able to face myself or those kids if I persisted under those circumstances.

After reading back through what I've written so far there may be some of you who might like to take me to task about this post, but it's only stating what I'm feeling. So if you do want to have a crack, remember....I don't......!!!

I also don't want to sound aloof or rude or just like a prick, but I have learnt to not worry about stuff that doesn't bother me now, whereas in the past it might have.

Clear as mud???

Perhaps a very obvious example involving me lately has been the rate at which I have been buying and selling cars and caravans, still trying to scratch an itch that just won't go away. I keep getting this car to tow that van, then have to change again as I sell the van. Then I sell the car. Then I start the process all over again!! WTF!!!

Well let me tell you that the saga continues!! Stay tuned on that one !! 😲

At first some of my friends would not be that concerned with what I was doing, but over time I could tell that I was really being judged and questioned. I was okay with that, but none of them really know where my thinking is at and there are things that I just need to keep to myself. So when I get laughed at, or have eyes rolled at me, just remember that I don't really give a %$#@, and I mean that in the most respectful way.

I'd rather you laugh at me rather than judge me.

You can not give a ^%$# in a manner that offends people, and I hope I haven't been doing that. Then you can also not give a ^%$# to people in a way that allows them to voice their concerns without feeling that they are offending you. I hope I'm doing that.

I'm so lucky that I'm surrounded by people who really understand where I am coming from, especially after these past 4 years and when I have been making some of these 'outrageous' decisions, they still have my back. Just recently I was at a friends place for coffee and when I told her my upcoming plans she just said "Yep. Do It !!!" You would not know how good that made me feel.

I have really digressed with where I was planning to go with this post Readers, my apologies, but do you think I give a %^$# ?🤣

I've only read a few pages of the book, and decided to express some initial thoughts by way of this post. In a nutshell so far, it suggests that we generally tend to worry about advice that we are given because it fixates on things that we feel we lack, and what we perceive our personal shortcomings and failures to be. It serves to make us feel unsuccessful, what we are not, what we lack and what we should have been but failed to be.

A few years ago, and even today, I could compile a long list of all of these things if they were put to me. Unfortunately it took a devastating experience to change my thinking and now there are just so many things that I would have taken to heart that I just don't give a ^%$# about anymore. It also took me a while to distinguish between what I thought was important and when I thought I was being apathetic.

You might remember that I refer regularly to one of my favourite medications, and probably the one that has helped me more than any others over the past few years.

I highly recommend them!!!

It's amazing how people have different ' ^%$^' meters when it comes to different things. For example, I know people who fight a constant losing battle with keeping their hair as the onset of baldness approaches. For me I just know that it is beyond my control, so I just don't give a *^%$ and never have. But I shouldn't expect others to feel the same way, as I have no idea about how much the thought of losing their hair is to them. Likewise I know people who don't give a ^%$# about keeping fit, whereas it is of utmost importance to me. 

Just as I don't want them to judge me on something, I don't want to be judging them.

The only time when I might give a ^%$# is when it has an adverse effect on others, and I would expect nothing but the same from them if I was doing it.

Have you ever come across or witnessed examples of when people have lost their ^%$# because they kick up such a stink about something that generally would be agreed isn't worth the effort?

Recently at Bunnings I saw someone losing their $%$# because the onions were put UNDER the sausage!! Really????

Drivers who bust their arse just to get ahead of one more car in dense traffic?

People who call out others in the '10 items or less' checkout for having 11 or 12 items?

I often wonder what must be going on in their lives if such trivial things can result in them losing their ^%$# so easily and with such venom.

I must relate one story to you about someone losing their %$#%$ that involves one of my family members. I'm sure that my late sister Anne won't mind me sharing it !

Sadly, Anne passed away a few weeks before Jen did in 2022. She fought her cancer bravely and much of that time was during the Covid epidemic. At one point, when we weren't in lockdown, Anne was still able to get out and about for appointments, groceries, banking etc.

Do you remember signs like this in practically every business reminding us about maintaining suitable social distances?

Well, Anne was in a bank or supermarket one day, I forget which and she was dutifully standing on her spot 1.5m behind the person in front of her. After a little while she could just sense a presence behind her, very close. 

Too close. 

So she turns around and finds the next customer virtually breathing down her neck. After giving this person a solid stinkeye that should have sufficed to suggest that this person needed to take a few steps back, Anne turned back to face forwards. Unfortunately this person failed to take the hint, and Anne could still feel the warm breath on her neck.

This time there was no mistaking the message or the sentiments of it. Anne turned around and sorted the situation with just two words. 

&^%$ OFF !!!

This surprisingly had an immediate effect and the other person shuffled back the necessary 1.5 m, and I'm guessing that it may have been more!! By this stage of her illness Anne had very little tolerance of people who annoyed her and wasn't subtle in letting them know, and this was her Gold Medal performance. She wasn't going to waste time being polite about it, she just didn't give a %$%# and made it known on the spot.

That was the only time I heard that Anne had been angry at someone, and I back her in this situation. If anything, she always presented the complete opposite in the way that she always was so open, caring, honest and loving in all that she did despite her predicament.

In her final months she was a true example of love, but in this case of not giving a %$#$ I always have a giggle.

Well Readers, I'm going to read more of the book now and it will be interesting to see what gems of wisdom I come across. I'm quite excited to think if it will be what I'm anticipating, or whether it will take a track that totally surprises me. The next few weeks are presenting so many unknowns for me, but I do know that two more ops are coming. I'm not worried about them, in fact I don't really give a ^%$# as I know they just need to be done. So no need to worry!!

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 The One Armed Bandit

Hi Readers

Another post not so long after my last one!

The real reason for being so 'organised' is because I'm sort of housebound for a few days, even though I'll duck out later for an appointment that I just can't bear to miss.

As I wrote in my last post I was booked in to have an operation on one of my hands to try and correct an ongoing problem with my fingers ( 4 ops on them so far) and to address the carpal tunnel problem in that hand. In a few weeks I'll get the other hand done, just waiting to see how this one responds first. So yesterday I went in and got stage 1 done.

I still just have to laugh at what I have needed to get done in the past few years, because what else is there to do?? As I have had a few ops on my fingers lately I knew what to expect and once home it has been relatively easy to do most tasks, they just take longer.

Until this time.

From what the surgeon told me I have had the usual finger work done on my pointer, but the carpal tunnel involves going into the palm of my hand and wrist. I don't know what it looks like, but as the anaesthetic from yesterday has nearly worn off, the feeling is slowly returning, and it's not great I can tell you that much!! Let me be clear throughout this Readers, I'm not complaining about it, and as I started with, I now just laugh about it.

I was expecting things to be a tad more difficult to do, but not to this extent, and I'm discovering more by the minute what I can or can't do. It has been more of the mundane things we do that have peed me off the most. Remember my last post on 'Autopilot?' Where we do things without thinking? Well I never fully realised just how many things we do without even thinking, and I really mean WITHOUT thinking!! Good old muscle memory can be a real bitch at times. And please don't come at me with "Oh please, it's just a sore hand", I'm just taking a light hearted look at how it has caused me to really stop and focus on things that I never think twice about, that's all.

The shower was a bit of a circus act this morning. I got the freezer bag on my arm okay, but then manipulating the masking tape around it took some organising. I realised that I should have torn off a strip first because that's easier than trying to twirl the full roll around my arm. And then once in the shower it became clear that I mostly wash myself with my right hand. What happens to the bits I can't reach?? I have to keep my arm elevated and dry, so even with the bag on it I am so determined not to get it wet. It happened with one of my previous ops and caused a bit of damage, so this time it is NOT happening!! Firstly, how do I pump the body wash? I tried with one hand but couldn't pump and catch it in the same motion. So I tried pumping with the elbow on my bagged hand and it sort of worked. Then lathering up! Well at least most of the body got cleansed. 

Sorry if I'm creating disturbing mental pictures for you all!!!

Getting dry. Like me, do you basically follow the same ritual and pattern when drying yourself? If unsure, think about it when you dry yourself next. I'd automatically go to do one manoeuvre but then be quickly reminded by my body "Not today buddy!!" I'm definitely going to plan the next shower carefully so I can get it over and done with.

As if that didn't crap me off, then when I went to clean my teeth it became clear I needed to use my opposite hand. Once again all my muscle memory counted for nothing, and even when I'd finished there was this nagging feeling that I hadn't cleaned them well enough even though it took twice as long.

Doing the washing was easy enough, until it came to hanging it on the line. I know it's a relatively simple task, but as I can't grip anything with my hand yet I had to try and hold the washing on the line and peg it with the same hand.

I could just go on and on with boring detail about how I am doing things one handed, but that will be as tedious for me writing it as it would be for you reading it. That's if you are still reading now !!

In my last post I recall mentioning how I can tend to drop 'F-Bombs' on autopilot. Well, the past two days have seen me using my potty mouth as if it is my first language!!!

As I have been under the knife a bit over the years, and a few more coming, I have often been asked how many times in total I've been in for something. I sort of had an idea, but until I sat down and actually tallied them up I wasn't overly impressed or proud of what I came up with. Most have been due to the effects of sport. Whether that be collision injuries or just stress and overuse, they are all my own fault so I have no-one to blame except myself. But a few others are due to age, genetics and my own lack of coordination at times !!!

So this is a snapshot of the ones I can remember. Add to this a number of concussions playing football with two of them requiring stays in hospital. That probably explains my mental state and capabilities!!!! I haven't included my appendix operation from 18 months ago as I just consider that a bit of age wear and tear.

A friend sent me a message the other day joking that I must be trying to be the Six Million Dollar Man ( some of you younger than me might need to Google that one). We have always maintained our Health Insurance, even when money was tight, but boy have I needed it in the past few years. I have definitely made the most of it, counting myself extremely lucky to have it when so many others are unable to. If I had to fork out the cost from my own pocket it wouldn't be near the 6 million dollar mark, but I know the figure is relatively high to say the least.

While I might not be feeling on top of the world physically today, I just pinch myself when I look around at where I am. It is the most glorious day and I'm sitting outside in the yard writing this and listening to my favourite tunes. Life couldn't be much better than right now. I'm not much of a gardener, but things are green and they are growing, so that has to be a plus!

And to add to the enjoyment of the garden, I've been wandering around barefoot on the grass and just loving the softness of it between my toes. And while enjoying this, I soon discovered how soothing the cool grass was in the shade, but at the same time I was loving the warm feel of the grass in the sun. I must have looked like a proper dork stepping from shade to sun and back again multiple times trying to decide which one I preferred most. In the end I called it a truce. 

Well Readers, this is a very short and sharp post, mainly because it is slightly uncomfortable trying to type. I only really started it because I'm just sooooo bored being stuck at home for a few days, and just needed to do something to kill some time.

I'm starting a new book tomorrow so hopefully there will be some gems of inspiration in there to inspire my next post.

Until then,

Cheers 😁