This is all about Nothing!

Hi Readers,

As usual I have spent the past few days pondering about what to write about. I had so many ideas but just couldn't put them together into something that might even vaguely come across as coherent, so I'm just going to bang them all together anyway.

Because I couldn't get my head together I just avoided hitting the keyboard, but I just had a nagging desire to write.

The funny thing that prompted me to actually get off my a#$e and write just happened less than an hour ago.

Out of the blue an extremely kind hearted person messaged me to say that a serving of minestrone was going to be dropped off at my front door. I replied that this didn't need to be done, but at the same time I was extremely grateful all the same.

So here I am in the lounge watching my beloved Tigers give up a promising lead and eventually lose when I get an alert on my phone that someone was at my front door. By the time I got there (I'm still hobbling, especially after sitting down for a while) all I saw was a car driving off and someone waving from the driver's seat.

And a container of soup at the door.

And can you imagine how guilty I felt taking this inside without being able to offer the chef even a cuppa, or just a sincere thank you?

But the fact it was a minestrone soup gave me the idea for this post. As we know, minestrone can be a concoction of so many ingredients, so this post will be the same. A mixture of totally random things that have been on my mind lately, but all come together to help me make some sort of sense about the world I live in.

I'll apologise in advance for the randomness of what follows from here, so if you can put up with it, read on.

Renovations

Regular readers will know that over the past 12 months my body has been on the rack a bit, getting things fixed that have been a problem for a while, and addressing new ailments that just seem to find me even when I'm not looking for them!

Last November I had ankle fusion, it is still a problem as I am only now beginning to sort of walk properly. Sort of. One day I'm moving a bit more freely, the next day I'm stuffed. Not complaining for a second though as I know I'm not sick, just sore.

I had surgery on both hands in January, no big deal, but the problem has continued to grow.

A bit over a week ago I was having an appointment with a hand therapist and all she could say was "You need to go under the scalpel again"

On the way home I made an appointment to see the surgeon, who said he'd see me in 2 days time on a Saturday afternoon of all times! Normally I have to wait weeks to see him.

Anyway, the end result was that he said I needed surgery and that he'd do it on Monday!! Two days warning to get myself prepared for it!!!

Let's just say the next 24 hours was a blur as I organised time off work, cleaned up around the house and did all the jobs that I knew I wouldn't be able to do post surgery.

Last Monday came and went and once again I found myself at home recovering from an even more detailed surgery than what I had in January.

I still don't know exactly what was done as my hand is heavily bandaged , maybe it's best not to know.

As I have to keep it totally dry I have been unable to scrub off the dye that is used pre-op, but please be assured I still wash my hands!!! The kids in my class had a great laugh when they saw me back at school last Thursday. And their compassion knows no bounds as many would offer to write on the whiteboard for me, while others would ask me not to write anything for them when explaining things as they didn't want my hand to hurt.

God bless them!!

While I was having my Saturday afternoon Appointment with the surgeon, I casually asked him just before leaving about the problems I was still having with a shoulder I hurt last year when I fell over during a tennis clinic.

After a thorough check he just said "Yep, that needs some work too"

He must have seen the look on my face, and quickly laughed and said that he wouldn't operate on the shoulder on Monday as well, as that would leave both sides of the body winged.

He's going to do it once my hand heals a bit, but has warned me that it is a painful procedure and recovery. Once again, being sore is better than sick, I'm fine with it, and accustomed to it.

I'm so glad that I'm paying for his new house, school fees and overseas trips!!! 

Just joking Glenn!!!!

Guilt

This is the one thing that has been playing on my mind so much lately, and at first I didn't know it. It took some time for me to realise what I was feeling and why.

Some things we can control, but there are also times where we can't choose how we are feeling, or when we might feel that way, or how long it will last.

It wasn't until I was doing a lesson with my kids a few weeks ago and we were discussing how the image we portray about ourselves often isn't a true indication of what is happening inside. A recent book we read talks about the "masks" we wear, a topic I wrote about in a previous post.

In order to help the kids understand this concept, I drew a venn diagram on the board with 2 headings.

                                         How I see myself         How others might see me

I offered to be the guinea pig and asked the kids to offer up ideas for how people might see me. No problem. They had a ball and they cut loose with amazing honesty. Some of it was so humbling, other bits made me cringe, but I had to accept all offerings as I put myself up for it.

When it came to putting in comments about how I see myself I started to struggle as it was in many ways upsetting, but I wasn't showing this. So I asked the kids for some ideas as I said I was struggling to come up with some. 

Sad. Unhappy. Depressed.

These were the first few, and I have to admit they weren't far off the mark.

I said that what they had put forward was pretty accurate and thanked them for their honesty, but also reassured them that I am not suffering from depression!!! Sad yes, but I have mechanisms in place to deal with this. They obviously have me worked out.

This activity gave me better clarity about how I had been feeling lately when going out, having a good time, doing fun things, cooking up a nice meal, travelling to see the boys, enjoying my life etc.

I was finding that I'd been feeling guilty about being able to do and experience all these things because I wasn't able to share them with Jen. Why should I get all this good fortune when she got dealt such a horrendous last 1o months? I know it sounds strange, but I just couldn't control these thoughts coming into my mind whenever I'd get to do nice things. 

It even got to the point where I'd avoid doing them as I knew how it would make me feel.

I was definitely putting on a mask and I knew that I needed to get my s*&t together otherwise I'd end up in a downward spiral.

I now realise that what has happened is irreversible and out of my control, and from some reading I have done I have also learnt that this is part of the grieving process. I'm sure Jen would slap some reality back into me as well, so that's another driving force that is sustaining me.

Possibly the main thing that helped me was finding out that one of our sons and his wife are expecting a second child early next year. I had 2 choices. I could wallow in self pity that Jen won't be here to share in the joy that being a grandparent brings, or I could look forward enthusiastically to maintaining her memory as Henry and the next Grandchild grow up not remembering her, but knowing so much about her. An easy choice.

I know I'll still feel these pangs of guilt from time to time, but at least I know that I have strategies in place to deal with it.

So why do I share this?

Last Friday our school had a pupil free day (the days that parents just love...NOT!!!)

One of our staff members ran a day on identifying, understanding and working with our values. That's it in a nutshell, and probably doesn't give enough justice to it, but it was just the most special day that gave me even more clarity.

A pre-task was to identify 2 values from a large list that apply to us the most. Before I looked at the list I wrote down 2 that I try to live by, then I looked at the list and there they were.

Vulnerability.

Gratitude.

If I told you all the things we did last Friday it would take a whole day, but let me just say that it was a day where staff were very open and honest in the way that they discussed what values they live by, and how we can use them to continue to develop ways to further enhance how we work with each other. It was great.

I've spoken about vulnerability in greater detail in previous posts, and this post tonight is further proof of how much I believe in it. The day also helped me to identify and understand the masks I wear, and these change for different situations and people that I deal with. For example, I don't handle positive feedback well, but you can be as critical as you like to my face and I'm okay with that. Imagine my surprise when a colleague pointed out the positive feedback thing to me on Friday. He noticed it and called me out on it, in a positive way of course. I don't know why I don't cope with hearing positive things, but I'll be the first to offer positive comments to someone else.

Can you see why I'm comparing this post to a minestrone? I'm all over the place and rambling, but my writing gets it off my chest. I must admit, getting the 'guilt' thing out of the way has been a great relief. I wonder if any Readers have ever felt the same in similar situations?

Regular readers will know how inspired I have been by a particular book by Ant Middleton.

Easily the best book I have read, you might read it and get nothing from it, I accept that.

Anyway, I was talking with 2 younger colleagues at school and they said that they both give talks to groups of men and young males about many of the things that Ant is big on as well. I told them about this book and the next day I gave my copy to one of them.

A day or so later I was thinking that it would take quite some time for them both to read it, so after school one Friday night I made a spur of the moment decision to drive to Ballarat to get them a copy each as I'd rung a book store there who said they had some copies. Why not in Bendigo? Because we don't have any major book stores anymore🤬!!

Anyway, you might think that this was a bit of a rash decision, but not in my mind. I was just so grateful to these two for the way that they have genuinely checked in on not just me, but other staff at school. The concept of Men's Health is well and truly alive in these two.

To make the time to go and get these books was just a joy for me as I was anticipating that they might get something out of it too.

Imagine my joy a few days later when one of them came to see me and said "I've only read the first few pages, I get it"

Well Readers,

I could continue to bang on about nothing for a few more hours but I'll spare you the pain! 

It's amazing what you can write about when you have nothing to write about!!

And my parting comment to generate some thinking???

What are two values that you try to live by?

Aaaah, now I feel good. And sore, but not sick 👍

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 Oh to run again !!!

Hi Readers,

Another post in less than a week, that's what school holidays are for!!

Today it was so easy to find an idea to post about, but I must admit that when I woke up I had no idea whatsoever.

I've spent the past few days in Qld visiting two of our boys, our daughter in law and Grandson and every opportunity to spend time with them has been just the greatest thing.

This morning when I was packing up my things I thought I'd go for one last quick walk (okay, hobble ) up to the beach to look out over the ocean as it was yet another glorious morning up here.

To my surprise I found that the annual Gold Coast Marathon was on, which I knew, but I wasn't aware that it came down as far as where my digs are.

For those who have known me for a while, you are aware that I once was able to run and that I did it quite a lot. Obsessively as Jen would often say !!

And this was my usual response, but I'm sure that it always fell on deaf ears !!

I was like a little kid in a lolly shop again as I have run a few marathons back in the day, and the Gold Coast Marathon is the one I enjoyed the most. A cracking course and always something to see. The runners are always close to each other, or at least the ones as slow as me were ! Where I was standing on the course was the 15km mark, and watching the runners glide/stomp/walk/shuffle and struggle past me only made me feel so inspired by their efforts.

And Readers, there was a slight hint of jealousy.

Alright, I admit it. I was so bloody jealous !!!!!

But that's no-one's fault but my own and I can only be grateful that I was able to do it for as long as I did.

Just watching and listening brought back so many vivid memories. Just the sounds of the hundreds of shoes pounding the asphalt was a sound that I haven't enjoyed for a number of years, but it came back to me immediately. 

This next bit I don't expect you to understand, but even just watching the backs of runners and the backs of their shoes was another vivid memory that flooded into my mind.

Why?

In my experiences, when the fatigue really kicked in it was too hard to look around and enjoy the scenery, so I'd focus on what was ahead of me before my head totally hit the ground.

There was also the constant chatter among the runners, most of it encouraging and pulling people along. The encouragement given out from fellow bystanders was such a joy to hear, people screaming out to random. runners just to give them some encouragement for the next few hundred metres. Believe me when I say how much that helps.

I wasn't going to make this post a deep philosophical assessment, but is there something in there for all of us?

Just to make a little effort to be that tiny bit more encouraging or accepting of those we encounter from day to day?

I know that when I was checking in at the airport the lady in charge of the queue where you put your belongings in the tray was extremely flustered with some demanding passengers, so when it was my turn I just said something like "Thank you, you're dong a great job". Well, she stopped and stared at me and I thought she was going to yell at me, but all she did was stay calm for a few seconds, smiled and breathed out saying "Thank you".

I hope I changed her day for the next few minutes at least.

Anyway, back to the marathon.

In a previous post I talk in more detail about some of my marathon experiences and how they have given me a positive mindset that has continued to this day.

If you want to read about that you'll just have to scroll through my previous ramblings! 

It goes without saying that I'd give my right leg to be able to run again ( also, if I gave my right leg I might get a better one that works!!) So, for the meantime I'll just focus on learning to walk properly again and see what happens from there. But just by watching all these runners of all shapes and sizes plodding past made me realise how lucky I have been to have been able to do this earlier in my life, rather than never experiencing it and forever wondering what it would be like.

So Readers, another little message, don't forever wonder, get out there and try it.

It doesn't have to be marathon running. It could be any sport, hobbies, adventure or whatever. It could be as basic as watching that movie you've always thought about, or read that book. Ignore the pessimism and give it a crack!!

One of the pictures that I've collected over time that continually resonates with me.

When my ankle really started to get bad, I found that I couldn't run on the flat, but for some reason I could do hills, which was all I did for a few years. They always taught me about never giving up. Never will I complain about going up a hill again, I'd give that right leg away again to do it!!

A running message, but in a context that we can all apply to everything that we do.

This image sits on the desktop of all my devices. It sums up what running gave to me.

And another graphic that is on all my devices, and also on the wall in the room wherever I work. Unless I do something every day I feel like a sloth and am restless until I've had my fix.

Readers, I've really indulged myself in something that is/was an absolute passion of mine, but it is the thing that has given me so many life lessons. Perhaps those thousands of hours on the road gave me the perfect 'think time', because I always was a much more relaxed and organised person after a run. Jen would often sense this and just tell me "You need to go for a run!!" I think it was for her sanity as much as mine.

When we lived in Ballarat I ran 3 times, sometimes 4 times a week with a running group, and we even had a monthly newsletter. The following article was written one day and it sums up more than just belonging to a running group.

Take out of it whatever message you can, I refer back to it constantly and have used it with colleagues and at conferences many times.

Finally Readers, some random snaps from the Gold Coast Marathon today.

While I'm sitting in the airport lounge writing this I have seen quite a few passengers still in their running gear, some still wearing their race numbers boarding flights. Obviously they are in a rush to catch flights, I'd hate to be sitting next o one of them!!

Whatever floats your goat!!

At the 15km mark, been going for more than 2 hours and only a third of the course done. Hats off to people with such resilience!!

This lady was running the course with a plastic bubble costume. Withe wind drag it was making things very hard for her.

By my reckoning this bloke still had more than 2 hours to go and he was already doing it hard. No criticism here, just respect.

I was just full of admiration for every person tackling this event. So many looked like they would struggle to complete it, but at least they were having a crack. 

Once again, they could have my right leg.....🦵

Just wishing I could be out there too, but if not, then maybe I can direct my energies elsewhere.

This was the pacesetter for the group hoping to complete it in 4:30. I love the fact that he can still inject some humour into such a taxing physical event.

A view that I have experienced so often. I'd give anything to experience it again but am realistic enough to acknowledge that that time has passed. How lucky I was to have at least experienced it.

Well Readers, 

A lighter read this time around, based purely on experiencing something that has had some of the greatest influences on my life. And my body!!

My only philosophical statement for this post is for you to think back and consider the formative events and experiences in your own lives, what have they taught you , do you still engage in them etc. Who knows, the next experience could be just around the corner for you. I'm taking on that attitude, I don't know what it will be but I hope there is something coming.

I'm rushing now as my flight has been called and I haven't gone back and checked for typos etc, so I'm sure you'll find them for me!!

Another week of holidays, so hopefully another post or two.

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁 🏃‍♂️