This is all about Nothing!

Hi Readers,

As usual I have spent the past few days pondering about what to write about. I had so many ideas but just couldn't put them together into something that might even vaguely come across as coherent, so I'm just going to bang them all together anyway.

Because I couldn't get my head together I just avoided hitting the keyboard, but I just had a nagging desire to write.

The funny thing that prompted me to actually get off my a#$e and write just happened less than an hour ago.

Out of the blue an extremely kind hearted person messaged me to say that a serving of minestrone was going to be dropped off at my front door. I replied that this didn't need to be done, but at the same time I was extremely grateful all the same.

So here I am in the lounge watching my beloved Tigers give up a promising lead and eventually lose when I get an alert on my phone that someone was at my front door. By the time I got there (I'm still hobbling, especially after sitting down for a while) all I saw was a car driving off and someone waving from the driver's seat.

And a container of soup at the door.

And can you imagine how guilty I felt taking this inside without being able to offer the chef even a cuppa, or just a sincere thank you?

But the fact it was a minestrone soup gave me the idea for this post. As we know, minestrone can be a concoction of so many ingredients, so this post will be the same. A mixture of totally random things that have been on my mind lately, but all come together to help me make some sort of sense about the world I live in.

I'll apologise in advance for the randomness of what follows from here, so if you can put up with it, read on.

Renovations

Regular readers will know that over the past 12 months my body has been on the rack a bit, getting things fixed that have been a problem for a while, and addressing new ailments that just seem to find me even when I'm not looking for them!

Last November I had ankle fusion, it is still a problem as I am only now beginning to sort of walk properly. Sort of. One day I'm moving a bit more freely, the next day I'm stuffed. Not complaining for a second though as I know I'm not sick, just sore.

I had surgery on both hands in January, no big deal, but the problem has continued to grow.

A bit over a week ago I was having an appointment with a hand therapist and all she could say was "You need to go under the scalpel again"

On the way home I made an appointment to see the surgeon, who said he'd see me in 2 days time on a Saturday afternoon of all times! Normally I have to wait weeks to see him.

Anyway, the end result was that he said I needed surgery and that he'd do it on Monday!! Two days warning to get myself prepared for it!!!

Let's just say the next 24 hours was a blur as I organised time off work, cleaned up around the house and did all the jobs that I knew I wouldn't be able to do post surgery.

Last Monday came and went and once again I found myself at home recovering from an even more detailed surgery than what I had in January.

I still don't know exactly what was done as my hand is heavily bandaged , maybe it's best not to know.

As I have to keep it totally dry I have been unable to scrub off the dye that is used pre-op, but please be assured I still wash my hands!!! The kids in my class had a great laugh when they saw me back at school last Thursday. And their compassion knows no bounds as many would offer to write on the whiteboard for me, while others would ask me not to write anything for them when explaining things as they didn't want my hand to hurt.

God bless them!!

While I was having my Saturday afternoon Appointment with the surgeon, I casually asked him just before leaving about the problems I was still having with a shoulder I hurt last year when I fell over during a tennis clinic.

After a thorough check he just said "Yep, that needs some work too"

He must have seen the look on my face, and quickly laughed and said that he wouldn't operate on the shoulder on Monday as well, as that would leave both sides of the body winged.

He's going to do it once my hand heals a bit, but has warned me that it is a painful procedure and recovery. Once again, being sore is better than sick, I'm fine with it, and accustomed to it.

I'm so glad that I'm paying for his new house, school fees and overseas trips!!! 

Just joking Glenn!!!!

Guilt

This is the one thing that has been playing on my mind so much lately, and at first I didn't know it. It took some time for me to realise what I was feeling and why.

Some things we can control, but there are also times where we can't choose how we are feeling, or when we might feel that way, or how long it will last.

It wasn't until I was doing a lesson with my kids a few weeks ago and we were discussing how the image we portray about ourselves often isn't a true indication of what is happening inside. A recent book we read talks about the "masks" we wear, a topic I wrote about in a previous post.

In order to help the kids understand this concept, I drew a venn diagram on the board with 2 headings.

                                         How I see myself         How others might see me

I offered to be the guinea pig and asked the kids to offer up ideas for how people might see me. No problem. They had a ball and they cut loose with amazing honesty. Some of it was so humbling, other bits made me cringe, but I had to accept all offerings as I put myself up for it.

When it came to putting in comments about how I see myself I started to struggle as it was in many ways upsetting, but I wasn't showing this. So I asked the kids for some ideas as I said I was struggling to come up with some. 

Sad. Unhappy. Depressed.

These were the first few, and I have to admit they weren't far off the mark.

I said that what they had put forward was pretty accurate and thanked them for their honesty, but also reassured them that I am not suffering from depression!!! Sad yes, but I have mechanisms in place to deal with this. They obviously have me worked out.

This activity gave me better clarity about how I had been feeling lately when going out, having a good time, doing fun things, cooking up a nice meal, travelling to see the boys, enjoying my life etc.

I was finding that I'd been feeling guilty about being able to do and experience all these things because I wasn't able to share them with Jen. Why should I get all this good fortune when she got dealt such a horrendous last 1o months? I know it sounds strange, but I just couldn't control these thoughts coming into my mind whenever I'd get to do nice things. 

It even got to the point where I'd avoid doing them as I knew how it would make me feel.

I was definitely putting on a mask and I knew that I needed to get my s*&t together otherwise I'd end up in a downward spiral.

I now realise that what has happened is irreversible and out of my control, and from some reading I have done I have also learnt that this is part of the grieving process. I'm sure Jen would slap some reality back into me as well, so that's another driving force that is sustaining me.

Possibly the main thing that helped me was finding out that one of our sons and his wife are expecting a second child early next year. I had 2 choices. I could wallow in self pity that Jen won't be here to share in the joy that being a grandparent brings, or I could look forward enthusiastically to maintaining her memory as Henry and the next Grandchild grow up not remembering her, but knowing so much about her. An easy choice.

I know I'll still feel these pangs of guilt from time to time, but at least I know that I have strategies in place to deal with it.

So why do I share this?

Last Friday our school had a pupil free day (the days that parents just love...NOT!!!)

One of our staff members ran a day on identifying, understanding and working with our values. That's it in a nutshell, and probably doesn't give enough justice to it, but it was just the most special day that gave me even more clarity.

A pre-task was to identify 2 values from a large list that apply to us the most. Before I looked at the list I wrote down 2 that I try to live by, then I looked at the list and there they were.

Vulnerability.

Gratitude.

If I told you all the things we did last Friday it would take a whole day, but let me just say that it was a day where staff were very open and honest in the way that they discussed what values they live by, and how we can use them to continue to develop ways to further enhance how we work with each other. It was great.

I've spoken about vulnerability in greater detail in previous posts, and this post tonight is further proof of how much I believe in it. The day also helped me to identify and understand the masks I wear, and these change for different situations and people that I deal with. For example, I don't handle positive feedback well, but you can be as critical as you like to my face and I'm okay with that. Imagine my surprise when a colleague pointed out the positive feedback thing to me on Friday. He noticed it and called me out on it, in a positive way of course. I don't know why I don't cope with hearing positive things, but I'll be the first to offer positive comments to someone else.

Can you see why I'm comparing this post to a minestrone? I'm all over the place and rambling, but my writing gets it off my chest. I must admit, getting the 'guilt' thing out of the way has been a great relief. I wonder if any Readers have ever felt the same in similar situations?

Regular readers will know how inspired I have been by a particular book by Ant Middleton.

Easily the best book I have read, you might read it and get nothing from it, I accept that.

Anyway, I was talking with 2 younger colleagues at school and they said that they both give talks to groups of men and young males about many of the things that Ant is big on as well. I told them about this book and the next day I gave my copy to one of them.

A day or so later I was thinking that it would take quite some time for them both to read it, so after school one Friday night I made a spur of the moment decision to drive to Ballarat to get them a copy each as I'd rung a book store there who said they had some copies. Why not in Bendigo? Because we don't have any major book stores anymore🤬!!

Anyway, you might think that this was a bit of a rash decision, but not in my mind. I was just so grateful to these two for the way that they have genuinely checked in on not just me, but other staff at school. The concept of Men's Health is well and truly alive in these two.

To make the time to go and get these books was just a joy for me as I was anticipating that they might get something out of it too.

Imagine my joy a few days later when one of them came to see me and said "I've only read the first few pages, I get it"

Well Readers,

I could continue to bang on about nothing for a few more hours but I'll spare you the pain! 

It's amazing what you can write about when you have nothing to write about!!

And my parting comment to generate some thinking???

What are two values that you try to live by?

Aaaah, now I feel good. And sore, but not sick 👍

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁