Goodbye Jen
Hi Readers,
A post that I haven't been sure about writing, but it does give me some solace getting some things off my chest. Plus, as I've previously mentioned in earlier posts, when you actually write about something you tend to think about it more, and this blog has been great therapy for me over the past few months.
This could be very difficult to write, or it just might be a joy, I'm sensing a combination of both.
I need to provide some background to this post as I have been mentioning some things over some time without really going into specifics, but now that doesn't really matter.
Let me go back to August last year. My wife, Jenny, had been off work for a week or so as she was slightly unwell, thinking she just had a bad cold and a slight reaction to her second Covid vaccination shot.
She woke up one night with a splitting headache, much worse than a normal headache, so jumped into the car and headed up to the emergency dept at the hospital. Upon being checked out, she was given an immediate scan and blood tests, and was soon home.
The next two days she was still unwell, and when she rang the doctor to get her results she was told to get to the hospital immediately.
I was at my school sports when she rang me to say where she was, so I got up there as soon as I could. By the time I saw her she informed me that the doctors were already thinking she may have Leukaemia, and that she needed to be transported to Melbourne the next day.
Things rapidly went at warp speed in the next few hours, and that night she was placed in an ambulance and taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital.
I went down the next morning to be with her where a battery of tests were being carried out, and although the doctors said they couldn't give a formal diagnosis that day, they were pretty sure what was expected.
The next day was a Friday, and Jen was given a formal diagnosis of Acute Myeloid Leukaemia, and treatment began immediately with chemo.
The thing that shocked me at this stage was how quickly she had deteriorated in just two days and some of this was of course due to the treatment she was being given.
Jen was now bed bound, and sadly this was pretty much her existence from now on.
Once all the various tests were completed over the following days and weeks, it was decided that a bone marrow transplant was required and needed to be done sooner rather than later. Both of her brothers were found to be suitable donors and one was selected. However, due to other reasons, a week or so before the transplant he was deemed to be less suitable than the other, so the transplant was postponed for a few weeks while further test were carried out on her other brother, who then became the donor.
What Jen treasured the most, her family.
Just to add to the hassles of everything, another lockdown was announced, and for a few weeks I was unable to see Jen at all. This was incredibly difficult to handle as I had taken leave from my teaching role ( from an extremely supportive school I must add !!!) so while I wasn't at work, I couldn't be with Jen either. She was in Melbourne and I was in Bendigo.
We've all heard those descriptions like "as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike", "as useless as handles on a snowball" and "as useless as a snooze button on a smoke detector". Well, this is what I felt like throughout this period of time.
I just so wanted to be with her, she wanted me down there, but I just wasn't allowed.
I felt totally useless.
Eventually, the visiting restrictions were eased just so slightly, even though the lockdown in Melbourne was still in place. I was allowed to travel down and back and wasn't restricted by the distance limit imposed on Melbourne residents. I could see her for one hour a day, so this was the start of many, many trips to Melbourne to spend my hour with her.
During this time I quickly became an expert in using podcasts in the car, using Apple play in the car and getting Siri to do lots of tasks for me.
You may think "so what", we all can do this, but please understand that whenever we were in the car it was usually together, and Jen would just do any of these tasks herself and I just didn't bother to learn how to do them.
My favourite photo of Jen. It just captures everything about her that was so important to me.
Other tasks and roles I immediately had to learn and master.
Jen has always been the banker and Chief Financial Officer in our marriage. Not because I didn't want to do it, we just sort of took control of various tasks early in our marriage and this is one she took on, and did it so well, plus it never interested me anyway. Rarely do I know when it is pay week, and I've never paid any attention to what my salary is !! But Jen knew every bit of this.
So, I had to learn everything at once, so it was an appointment at the bank where they took me through all our finances, our different properties, how to do internet banking, the whole lot.
I'll openly confess to not knowing how to do any of this, as it was always being so capably handled by Jen that I never bothered to learn it.
Boy did I learn quickly though, and now I'm all over it.
Just before Jen went into hospital, we had bought her a new car, which had all the features she had always wanted. Sh'e only had it for a week before the proverbial hit the fan. We'd also bought a unit in Colac for her to stay in when she was making her regular trips there to visit her parents. This was also the reason for the new car, something which would be so good for her when making such regular long trips. As things turned out, we decided to sell the unit, another learning experience for me as with all our other housing purchases and sales, Jen just told me where to sign. Now I was the one doing the wheeling and dealing, so I hope I did it the way she wanted !
Back to the transplant.
Jen was allowed home for just under 4 weeks beforehand, and during this time she was mainly in bed or on the couch, as she was continually so exhausted and sick. We also had to travel back to Melbourne every few days for treatment, as well as Bendigo hospital appointments. These days would leave her totally wasted, as would simple tasks like moving around the house.
Jen with her family
The transplant was carried out in November, and we were both so surprised at the simplicity of it.
I was thinking that it might involve a major surgical procedure, when in fact it was just another bag of liquid among the many others that were hanging up beside her and being injected into her system. So simple, yet just so vital.
The next few weeks was just a waiting game.
Jen spent the next weeks in hospital and in early December I moved into a unit run by the Bone Marrow Donor Institute which is only a few minutes walk from Peter Mac and the Royal Melbourne Hospital (RMH)
After spending Christmas and New Year alone in the unit, and being allowed to visit for 1 hour a day, Jen was released in early January to join me in the unit. The purpose of moving into the unit was to be close to the hospitals as she would be requiring ongoing regular treatment, and travelling back and forth from Bendigo would be too much for her.
Jen spent most of this time in bed sleeping as she was constantly fatigued and suffering from nausea, two things that she was never able to shake in the coming months.
Just as we thought things were starting to improve, she was re-admitted to RMH for two weeks as things were getting hard for her.
Back into the unit with me, and sadly we received the news in early March that my much loved sister, Anne, had passed away in Bendigo from cancer.
This was an incredibly hard time for both of us as we knew we couldn't get to be with her in her final days, and would not be able to attend the funeral.
I'm so lucky to be in such a loving family who did all that they could to involve me in everything during this time.
Two days later, we were over at Peter Mac where Jen was having her usual treatment that usually lasted 3-4 hours.
A doctor came in early with the news that her leukaemia was now undetectable, the best news we could have hoped for.!!
Sadly, as it turns out, it was the last piece of good news I received from then on.
Within 1 hour of getting the all clear, Jen started to develop dizziness and stomach pains, which increased rapidly throughout the day.
She was placed back in RMH, and during the night I received a number of calls to say that she was now in ICU, then later on a call to say that she required immediate emergency surgery. Apparently a severe infection had developed in her stomach and without the surgery she would not get through the night.
Jen spent the next 4-5 weeks in ICU on life support.
Eventually the day came when the doctors had decided that it was time to withdraw the breathing tubes as they felt that she might be able to sustain herself.
This was such a tense meeting with so many doctors, but thankfully it went smoothly and Jen was able to breathe on her own.
A few days later she was moved back onto the ward and was still receiving acute care via oxygen, feeding tubes etc.
There were many ups and downs over the next few weeks, a few days in the Cardio-Pulmonary ward, another stint in ICU and many emergency calls when her health slipped suddenly.
Even as recently as three weeks ago she was receiving gentle physio to help move her arms and legs in order to prepare her for the long road ahead at Rehab which would obviously be many months.
However, over the past two weeks things started to go downhill. Jen was having occasional gains, but these were being overshadowed by the challenges that were becoming more regular.
It just became too hard for her and thankfully she was able to slip away peacefully with family by her side.
While we are all so saddened at her loss, we all know that she had suffered for so long and is now at peace. None of us would wish for her to continue this way any longer than she needed to. We dearly wish she was still with us, but we just have to accept the reality now.
With the joy of her life, Grandson Henry.
The past few days have been just a massive blur, a fog that doesn't seem to lift, but i'm sure it will at some time. Our 3 boys, Sam, Will and Lachie have been amazing, not just in their support to me, but to each other. Jen would be so proud of them, just as I am.
Having our Grandson Henry in the house has been the best tonic. He brings so much joy to us all and is a constant reminder that life goes on.
Despite all that has been going on in the house, it's the simple things that ground us and help us to gain perspective.
Yesterday was Jen's funeral and I hope that we gave her the send off that she so richly deserved. So many family and friends from far and wide, it was a fitting tribute to the person she was, and will always be.
The Secret 7
Jen developed the closest of friendships with 6 other friends when she began her teaching degree back in 1983. Yol, Mez, Fi, Anne, Leanne and Yol have stayed together through thick and thin for so long, and they called themselves "The Secret 7'.
To have them together again under such sad circumstances was tragic, but also a celebration. They have been with Jen (and me) throughout this ordeal, and I know for sure that they added to her life, particularly in the past few months when things were becoming dire. To share Jen's life with them yesterday was so special, and I know why Jen loved each one of them so much. You are truly beautiful people, we love you.
Thanks 7 ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ xxxxxxx
Now that everything is done and dusted, today is the first day in moving forward and getting on with life. I'm not sure what this will look like yet as I'm only able to look at getting through today, then I'll focus on tomorrow.
There are just so many things running through my mind right now and thankfully our boys are so helpful in keeping me on track and not rushing in and making rash decisions. I never thought for a moment that I'd ever be without Jen, we just had so many plans for our future together. I guess I'll just have to rethink so many things and do what I think Jen would have wanted me to do.
Last week the 4 of us went to the MCG to watch Richmond play Port Adelaide, and a win by the Tigers capped the night.
The highlight for me was the two and bit hours in the car together on the way down, then again on the way home, quality time together that we all needed.
After being away from work for nearly 11 months I'll be heading back in a few weeks which will be a bit of a challenge. I'd only just become familiar with running a classroom again and then I was off to support Jen. I'm sure going to find this challenging, as I've been in such a routine of just doing hospital visits for so long and my 'teacher brain' will need to be reactivated !!
I'm lucky that I work in such a great school with such supportive staff and students so I already feel that I'm ready to go back. Otherwise I could see myself just moping around the house, something I'm determined to avoid.
Just being around people again is already something I'm becoming accustomed to. Since December when I moved into a unit in Melbourne near the hospitals, I was by myself, save for a precious few weeks when Jen was with me. The only people I interacted with during this time were the doctors and nurses at the hospitals, and a couple of short walks around the block near the unit with 3 different friends who came to see me.
Two of the boys also had a weekend with me which was just so good.
It sounds so strange when I think that here I was in a city of 5 million, but I had no-one to talk to !!
I could go on and on talking about how supportive everyone has been to myself, Sam, Will and Lachie throughout this time. To each and every one of you, far too many to mention, all I can say is Thank you.. and that just feels so inadequate.
To the staff at Peter Mac and RMH, Thank You also feels so inadequate, but I just can't express enough my gratitude to you all. When Jen passed last week, there were so many staff coming to console me and even they had trouble holding back the tears. Jen had been in there for 88 days on top of the time spent on Ward 7B last year, and they said that not many patients stay for that long. They got to know her so well, it was like they were losing a friend also.
You are all pure angels.
In finishing, let me share something that Nat and Nev Zimmer mentioned in the beautiful eulogy they presented at the funeral yesterday.
A few months ago, before things got really bad, Jen sent a photo of herself and our Grandson Henry to Nat. It was beautiful, and had 4 words.
My Work is Done.
That just says so much about Jen, her devotion to family was constant, and the memory of her will be forever constant as we move on without her.
To the many people who I didn't get the chance to speak to yesterday, please forgive me, but also know that we can't thank you enough for all of the love, care and support you have given us and Jenny over this period.
Well Readers,
Life goes on, go and give your family a hug ❤️
Until my next post,
Cheers 😁
For further pictures, please feel free to visit this website.
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