How Lucky Am I ?
Hi Readers,
The last two weeks have been an absolute blur, much like the last ten months. Myself and the 3 boys have been overwhelmed with so much love and support leading up to, and since Jen's passing nearly 3 weeks ago.
When I was thinking about what to write about, there were just so many things coming to mind, which in itself makes me realise that I still have so much to work through. As I have said a number of times through my posts, writing makes me think even more about what I'm writing about, so once again this could be an absolute ramble !!
Once again, I feel very vulnerable in being this open publicly, but I have had so many discussions recently with others about this blog and how it has somehow helped them in little ways that I feel a little safer also in writing it.
Thank you to those who have spoken with me and supported me.
Since Jen passed away I have had so many people saying how hard it must be and how sad it is, which I totally agree with. And I totally respect their sentiments, as I know all too well from experience that it is terribly hard to find the right words to say to someone when they lose someone so loved. I've learnt to accept their best wishes in the kindest way that I can, even though it tends to sadden me even more, but I would not for a second want them to think that I have been ungracious in accepting their kindness. It must help them in some way to acknowledge the bereaved, for in situations like this everyone responds and deals with it in their own personal ways.
There is clearly no set way about doing this, it's hard for everyone.
For me the easiest thing to do would be to wallow in self pity and just mope around the house feeling sad for myself. I'm sure Jen would slap me quickly if this was the case !!
As hard and raw as this grief still is, I'm choosing to remain focussed on all the positives that Jen brought to all our lives, hence the title of this post.
People have often said to me ""You've been so unlucky this year", referring to losing my sister and Jen in a matter of weeks.
Yes, I have been unlucky to lose them both, but how lucky was I to have had them both in my life for as long as I did ? I'm choosing to get through this by celebrating the love and joy that Jen brought to our lives rather than dwelling on the fact that she is gone. It is so hard to do, but I'm determined to keep her joyous memory alive. I'm hoping that I can make her proud in the way that we move on together without her. I know that this just appears as words on a page/screen, but there is so much emotion and feeling attached to what I'm writing.
Let me travel back ten years or so when I did the eulogy for Rachel Zimmer after she was tragically taken from us. Rach is the daughter of Nat and Nev, our closest friends who we have done so much with as families. It was no surprise that they were the first ones I asked to do Jen's eulogy, something that they did so beautifully.
One of the final comments in my eulogy about Rach has continually stuck with me, and prompted this post today.
It went along these lines...
"We are all incredibly sad here today, but we are also among the luckiest people in the world. We are here because we knew Rach, and she was a part of our lives, so rather than be sad, we can be so happy knowing that we knew her in the first place and have so many memories of her to cherish forever"
This is the approach I need to take with Jen.
After collecting photos for the funeral presentation recently, there were just so many memories and occasions to celebrate in the 38 years we were together, 34 of them married.
Jen with great friend Anne when we first hooked up.
One thing that struck me when we first started going out together was that I was definitely batting out of my league !!
We'd known each other socially for a year when we first started our teaching degrees at Aquinas College in Ballarat. It was in our second year that I decided to take the plunge and make some moves.
I was living in a house with 3 other students, and early in the year we decided to host a party, and went for a Toga Party theme. Little did I know that this party was memorable for 2 reasons.
1. It won the coveted "Party Of The Year" at the annual college awards night called 'The Boulders'
2. Jen and I hooked up and the rest is history.
The next two years was just bliss with Jen, as I now had a reason to pull my head in and knuckle down to study. My first year wasn't great academically, as I failed a few subjects and had to repeat them in 2nd year. Add to this another subject or two failed and I was summoned to the directors office with an ultimatum. On the day that our results were handed out, I opened my envelope to be greeted by a "Show Cause" letter instead of my expected results. Apparently my casual approach, a bit too much partying and generally being slack had caught up with me.
Jen was so mad at me because she was convinced I was going to be kicked out, I'd leave Ballarat and that would be the end of our relationship. I felt the same.
Mum and dad gave me a bit of a serve when they found out, but that was over and done with in a phone call. With Jen it was different. She was able to give it to me constantly over the next few days while I sweated on the decision being made.
Thankfully, after the director gave me another serve when I sat in his office again he let me continue my course, but I was "under notice".
For the next two years Jen was always keeping a watchful eye over me and making sure that I was pulling my finger out. And through all of this our love for each other just grew stronger and stronger.
I was really struggling in the music course, where we were required to play a piece on the organ in front of the music lecturer. In the music room there was a big bank of organs in rows, and the lecturer sat at the front and ticked us off as we played the required piece. You could have hardly had a less interested lecturer than the one we had then. He barely looked up or acknowledged us, he just ticked us off for playing our piece then sent us on our way. This got me thinking.
Somehow, and I still don't know how I pulled it off, I convinced Jen to come in with me, and while I did my test she would be 'silently practicing' for her test on an organ behind me.
The lecturer allowed this, and put his head back down into whatever it was that was more interesting and told me to start playing.
Now the plot thickens.
While the lecturer wasn't watching, I pretended that my hands were playing the required piece, when in fact, Jen was playing it on her organ. We reversed our roles !!
When it was finished he didn't even look up, he just said "DONE" and sent me on my way.
I passed !!!!
She even did most of a computer assignment for me that I just couldn't get a handle on, and regretfully I was less than patient with her when she was helping me with this. And she would often remind me about this, and rightly so.
Throughout all of this I was beginning to get better marks, but there was one subject that I just couldn't pass no matter what.
Maths.
And how ironic now that this is the subject I have built most of my teaching career on and love so much !!
I think the lecturer treated me as his bunny and just kept failing me as a way of showing each class that unless you did some serious work you'd end up in his class again like me.
3 times!!!!!!!
Without a doubt our greatest achievement has been producing our 3 sons, Sam, Will and Lachie.
Lachie, Will and Sam
Will, Lachie and Sam with Sam's son Henry, our first grandchild.
Family meant everything to Jen and she was always there for them at every moment. Yes, she could be very firm with them, and boy did they need it at times! However, she was so protective, loyal and loving to them and there was nothing she wouldn't do for them.
They coined a phrase to describe her when she went into bat for them, or dealt with anyone who had wronged her. They said she could "Go from zero to bitch in less than 10 seconds", such was her attitude towards getting things sorted quickly !!
Jen spent countless hours standing on the edges of soccer pitches, tennis courts, basketball courts and futsal courts watching each of the boys pursue their passions for sport. Never did she complain about this, she was just so supportive to them and so proud of them. A classic 'soccer mum'!
Somehow, she didn't share the same passion when I was playing football, as she tended to dislike it as I kept getting injured and required many surgeries over the years as a result.
Without a doubt, Jen had amazing loyalty. To friends, family, work colleagues. You name it, she would give her best.
She was part of a group of 6 other friends who referred to themselves as 'The Secret Seven', and to see such loyalty from them all over nearly 40 years has been beautiful to witness and to be a small part of. Their support over the past ten months in particular gave Jen extra life, and helped me immensely through the toughest periods. In Jen's last few days I could just sense that they felt the end was near, and although they cared too much to ask, I could just tell that they understood and were giving me space to be with Jen.
There are no words to describe the respect I have for these people, or the love that Jen had for each of you.
As I said earlier, definitely punching above my weight with Jen !!
She just spread happiness.
Joy.
I can't do this post without mentioning the other pure joy in Jen's life, and that was the birth of our first grandchild, Henry.
Sam and Phoebe had spent many years overseas, and settled in Qld. This suited us as we now had a reason to make more trips north to see them. And when Henry came along around 20 months ago this would mean even more trips.
Sadly, like so many other families, Covid put a halt to this, but Sam and Phoebe have been so good with regular Facetime calls and almost daily photos and videos that we do not feel that we have missed a moment with him.
I'll just have to give him double the love from now on.
Love
A random scroll through her photos last week and I landed on this.
This experience will no doubt be with me forever and will be a motivator to keep trying to do what Jen would have wanted me to do, and in a manner that she would be proud of.
When we did have a glimmer of hope that Jen might have actually survived a few months ago, her determination to do all that she could to recover was inspiring. Such tiny steps were seen as major progress, and to see her persevere under the most extreme and difficult circumstances is something that I can only aspire to.
How she was able to do this I'll never fully appreciate.
Or forget.
Anything that I endure from now on is utterly trivial to what I have seen Jen go through, it has been a major perspective pill to swallow for sure, but I hope I can channel her loss into doing all that I can to be better at all that I do.
I could go on and on about how things are going to be different from now on, but what that is going to look and feel like is just something I'll just have to wait and see.
We had so many plans to do things together, I guess I'll just have to reassess these now. I just thought we'd be together for a lot longer.
I see photos around the house, or hear a favourite song of Jen's and there are two ways of reacting. Get really sad, or celebrate the memories of why that song is special, or where we were for the photo. I think the answer is obvious.
So let me go back to the title of this post.
Jen was incredibly unlucky to get the all clear from Leukaemia, then on the same day suffer complications that eventually took her life.
But I have been so lucky to have shared so much of my life with her, to have done so many amazing things with her and to create memories that I will forever cherish and hold close to my heart. Nothing can change or take away what has happened, but rather than dwell on her death I'll spend the rest of my days being ever so grateful that she was in our lives, and that we loved each other so much.
How lucky have I been !!
In finishing, I'll just share another mention to Rach Zimmer.
Last night, Nat and Nev came over to watch the footy with Will, myself and my brother Damian. They said that they had been to the White Hills Cemetery where Rach was laid to rest., and where Jen was buried also.
Just as we have done so much together as families, we continue to remain close after this life. Jen and Rach are in the same row, only 10 or so metres away from each other. I'm sure they've already had a few chats.
Rest peacefully Jen, we will love you forever ❤️
Well Readers,
Until my next post,
Cheers
❤️
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