It's In Your Hands !

Hi Readers,

Once again I have left a bit of a gap in between posts, not by choice, just due to being busy in so many other areas. I'm back at work and have really found it hard to put as much time to my blog, I realise now I need to get my priorities in order !!

This week marks 12 months since I took leave from my job to be by Jen's side as she battled her illness, and just under 4 weeks ago I ventured back into the classroom again.

To say it was a challenge is an understatement !! I'm sure that every time I looked at the planners and documents for this term my concentration waned after 5 minutes and off I'd go and do something else. This was okay the first few times, but as the start of the term got closer and closer a mild sense of panic started to develop.

I needed to know this stuff and I was getting nowhere!!!  

As much as I'd look at what needed to be taught, I just couldn't get in the frame of mind to teach, despite having 30+ years of experience behind me. It was getting to the point of absolute frustration as I knew I could do this, but there was just some huge mental block getting in the way that I couldn't get around.

Pretty soon I realised I had two options. 

1. Give up and just try and fang it, which wouldn't be good for the kids in my care. Or me.

2. Adopt a better attitude, and look for a new approach, as the one that was facing me wasn't working.

As the title of this post says,

"It's In Your Hands" !!!

It was just too easy to sit back and indulge in a bit of self pity by responding negatively to the many things that have been said to me like  "You've been through a lot lately", "Don't worry, you'll get it together" and "Just don't worry about it".

As far as I was concerned, I was back on the job and I needed to have my act together for my own benefit, and more importantly, for the kids in my class.

The first step in getting my act together was to acknowledge what has happened and that I wasn't understanding things like I'd hoped I would.

Face up to and understand my own limitations.

I looked at what I needed to do and picked out the things that I knew I could do well, and why I believed this to be so.

Next, the things on our planners that still confused me, I just tried to form my own basic understanding and try to see what it would look like once I was working with the kids again.

I just didn't want to be a drag on my colleagues and hope that they could carry me, which they have been doing so respectfully!!

I just couldn't believe how far behind the pack I had fallen after just 12 months off. So many new procedures, programs and structures that I had to jump into immediately. It was certainly overwhelming for me I can tell you.

Starting again halfway through the year was also a challenge as everyone else was in "half year mode", whereas to me it felt like the start of the year.

Possibly the one thing that really helped me was that I compared this situation to others that I have in my life.

Here I was, struggling to figure out how to teach again. How dumb did I feel !!!!

I looked back to times when I had similar negative thoughts and what did I do to snap out of it. Whether it was building the pool fence many years ago, or actually putting the above ground pool into the ground, I remembered what I did.

It was the same thing a year or two ago when I was rewiring the lights on the trailer.

Also the same thing when I was putting in some fencing at our new house.

Or what I did when I was building a shed at our last house.

On each occasion I just stopped and identified not what I couldn't do, but what I could do.

It was just a case of adopting a new attitude and mindset (plus identifying a few skills that I was severely lacking in !!🥴)

It also involved not being too proud to ask for advice on the simplest of things and just sucking it up and admitting that I needed help with so many things.

Once  I knew that I was prepared to do this I became so much less worried about what I didn't understand.

I am still behind the pack I can assure you, and still stuffing things up, forgetting to do them, or just plain doing them wrong !! 

But at least I have the mindset to accept this and I'm able to take steps to fix things, or minimise the amount of times I get it wrong.

As well as adopting a more positive mindset for myself, I also think of my colleagues in a similar way. I often consider myself to be a drag on them when I seek assistance or guidance, so this tended to see me asking for advice less and less. I'm constantly asking them questions that must be making them tear their hair out. At this rate they'll be as follically challenged as I am !!

I now go to them regardless as I know they have hearts of gold when it comes to helping me and they do this so willingly and with unwavering patience. In a way I feel guilty for not seeking them out as I just know how prepared they are to help. It sort of makes me think that I'm sending them a message that I don't need their help, or that I don't think that they can help me.

How wrong have I been !

My first 2-3 weeks back have been a blur, but I'm happy to say that I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel is long, and the light is just a blip, but it's there !!!

This again relates to the mindset I have adopted, that things will get better if I just realise my own limitations, do what is needed to address them and to be patient in catching up.

What has really helped though has been the group of kids who I am teaching.

The teacher who had them for the first half of the year has done an amazing job in having them ready for the transition to a new teacher. As this teacher took over from me last year when I had to suddenly leave, I hope that I had the class just as ready for him then as he has done for me now.

They are a fantastic group and already I know that the rest of this year is going to be a lot of fun with them.

Something happened this week that really touched me, but I'll have to set the context for it so that you'll understand and appreciate it more.

This year, just like last year, I set up an activity in my classroom called "The Letterbox".

On a frame against the wall, each child has an envelope with their name on it. Over the course of the week we all write little notes to each other and 'post' them to each other by putting them in their envelope. We spent a great deal of time discussing what sort of comments we are hoping for. We avoid things like "good at drawing", "fast runner", "good at netball" etc as these just describe what you can do.

Our focus is on comments that tell us who you are. "You make me smile", "You are inclusive". "I like how you use manners to all of us" etc.

Each Friday, we then empty our envelopes and have a quiet read of our notes. The looks on the kid's faces is priceless, and I can see a distinct mood settle over the class as they read them. I asked yesterday what most of them do with their tickets each week, and all said they take them home and save them, or show their parents. One boy said he always reads them when he is feeling down.

Added to this, we have a daily "Wanted" poster on the whiteboard. I place a child's name on it, and over the course of the day we all write a similar note to that student, our focus person for the day. They get to take their tickets home at the end of the day.

Add to this our daily "Muttley Award" ( see previous posts) and our class is built around supporting each other and looking for the positives in each person.

That explains the notes that we do for each other.

Now for the next part of this story, sorry for going about it in a long winded way !!

This term we are reading the book "Wonder", a story about a boy who has a disfigured face and how he copes with school and building relationships.

The past few days have been pretty hard for me to read this in class as it deals a bit with death and hospitals, something that is still very raw with me at the moment.

It also talks about the masks that we wear, and I don't mean face masks for covid, or physical masks of any sort. We talked a lot about this and how we may put on a brave face at times when in fact we may be feeling an entirely different emotion within.

One girl gave an example of the time when she was new to a school and was walking around with a smile on her face when in fact she was petrified. 

That was the mask she was wearing.

This one example explained it so well to the rest of the class and soon they were all sharing examples of times when they too were wearing different 'masks'.

Yesterday our discussion centred on the fact that although when we look around the class each morning and see lots of smiling faces, many of these may be masks covering up something else.

Not always, but there is always the chance, so we just need to be aware of this and prepared for it.

And that it is okay.

Now to tie the story of the notes, and the story about the masks together.

Yesterday a random note was placed on my table in the classroom without me noticing. I only found it at the end of the day.

I have no shame in admitting that this brought a tear to my eye.

One of my kids had written "You are the happiest person I know"

Clearly, the mask I am wearing right now is covering up so much, because it is just so far from being the truth.

And not for a moment am I being critical of what this child wrote, I am just so humbled by it and respectful of their honesty. It meant so much, and is a reminder that I have so much to be thankful and grateful for despite all the crap that this year has delivered.

I go to work to try and be the best that I can be for these kids, and to this child it must be working. As bad as I feel most days still, it is the mindset that I choose to adopt that is hitting the mark with some of them. I hope it hits with all of them at some point.

It is hard to be upbeat all day, but when one gets notes such as this it makes it worthwhile, and is incentive to do all that I can to maintain it.

As I've said a few times already,

"It's In Your Hands" !!!

So readers, I'm not sure what you will make of this post, a few wanderings and digressions, good luck in trying to make sense of my fluffing about !!

What I am encouraging though is that we all have the opportunity to choose how we respond to the everyday things that happen in our lives, We can respond in either a negative or positive way, and although at the time a negative response often feels easier, choosing the alternative often leads to longer term benefits.

Trust me, I've experienced it this year.

After losing my sister, and then Jen, I still find it massively difficult to search for positives, and each day seems harder than the previous one, but I know that by wallowing in self pity I am doing no favours to myself whatsoever.

A previous post talks about how lucky I have been over the past 12 months despite everything that has occurred.

I'll finish with a comment from a member of the nursing staff at Royal Melbourne Hospital that I received in an email this week,

He was just reaching out and checking in on me and asking how I have been coping since Jen passed away 8 weeks ago.

I'd sent them a Thank You card with a photo of Jen as she looked before she was sick. The hospital staff only see the patients at their near worst, so I wanted them to know the Jen that we will always remember.

Among other things that he wrote, he finished with:

Everyone who has seen it has commented on Jen’s photo with a smile. It was a privilege for the ward to have provided care for Jen and had the opportunity to get to know your family. We remember the special ones.

The final sentence really summed up the staff at RMH. They too, are special ones in my book.

With that I'll now approach the rest of the weekend with a positive mindset, even though the weather is bleak, my body is aching, Richmond look like losing tonight and I feel so unwell ( tested negative this morning thank goodness) There is something positive to approach each of those situations with, and I'm about to do it.

Its in my hands!!!

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁