How Lucky Am I ?

Hi Readers,

The last two weeks have been an absolute blur, much like the last ten months. Myself and the 3 boys have been overwhelmed with so much love and support leading up to, and since Jen's passing nearly 3 weeks ago.

When I was thinking about what to write about, there were just so many things coming to mind, which in itself makes me realise that I still have so much to work through. As I have said a number of times through my posts, writing makes me think even more about what I'm writing about, so once again this could be an absolute ramble !!

Once again, I feel very vulnerable in being this open publicly, but I have had so many discussions recently with others about this blog and how it has somehow helped them in little ways that I feel a little safer also in writing it.

Thank you to those who have spoken with me and supported me.

Since Jen passed away I have had so many people saying how hard it must be and how sad it is, which I totally agree with. And I totally respect their sentiments, as I know all too well from experience that it is terribly hard to find the right words to say to someone when they lose someone so loved. I've learnt to accept their best wishes in the kindest way that I can, even though it tends to sadden me even more, but I would not for a second want them to think that I have been ungracious in accepting their kindness. It must help them in some way to acknowledge the bereaved, for in situations like this everyone responds and deals with it in their own personal ways. 

There is clearly no set way about doing this, it's hard for everyone.

For me the easiest thing to do would be to wallow in self pity and just mope around the house feeling sad for myself. I'm sure Jen would slap me quickly if this was the case !!

As hard and raw as this grief still is, I'm choosing to remain focussed on all the positives that Jen brought to all our lives, hence the title of this post.

People have often said to me ""You've been so unlucky this year", referring to losing my sister and Jen in a matter of weeks.

Yes, I have been unlucky to lose them both, but how lucky was I to have had them both in my life for as long as I did ? I'm choosing to get through this by celebrating the love and joy that Jen brought to our lives rather than dwelling on the fact that she is gone. It is so hard to do, but I'm determined to keep her joyous memory alive. I'm hoping that I can make her proud in the way that we move on together without her. I know that this just appears as words on a page/screen, but there is so much emotion and feeling attached to what I'm writing.

Let me travel back ten years or so when I did the eulogy for Rachel Zimmer after she was tragically taken from us. Rach is the daughter of Nat and Nev, our closest friends who we have done so much with as families. It was no surprise that they were the first ones I asked to do Jen's eulogy, something that they did so beautifully.

One of the final comments in my eulogy about Rach has continually stuck with me, and prompted this post today.

It went along these lines...

"We are all incredibly sad here today, but we are also among the luckiest people in the world. We are here because we knew Rach, and she was a part of our lives, so rather than be sad, we can be so happy knowing that we knew her in the first place and have so many memories of her to cherish forever"

This is the approach I need to take with Jen. 

After collecting photos for the funeral presentation recently, there were just so many memories and occasions to celebrate in the 38 years we were together, 34 of them married.

Jen with great friend Anne when we first hooked up.

One thing that struck me when we first started going out together was that I was definitely batting out of my league !!

We'd known each other socially for a year when we first started our teaching degrees at Aquinas College in Ballarat. It was in our second year that I decided to take the plunge and make some moves.

I was living in a house with 3 other students, and early in the year we decided to host a party, and went for a Toga Party theme. Little did I know that this party was memorable for 2 reasons.

1. It won the coveted "Party Of The Year" at the annual college awards night called 'The Boulders'

2. Jen and I hooked up and the rest is history.

The next two years was just bliss with Jen, as I now had a reason to pull my head in and knuckle down to study. My first year wasn't great academically, as I failed a few subjects and had to repeat them in 2nd year. Add to this another subject or two failed and I was summoned to the directors office with an ultimatum. On the day that our results were handed out, I opened my envelope to be greeted by a "Show Cause" letter instead of my expected results. Apparently my casual approach, a bit too much partying and generally being slack had caught up with me.

Jen was so mad at me because she was convinced I was going to be kicked out, I'd leave Ballarat and that would be the end of our relationship. I felt the same.

Mum and dad gave me a bit of a serve when they found out, but that was over and done with in a phone call. With Jen it was different. She was able to give it to me constantly over the next few days while I sweated on the decision being made.

Thankfully, after the director gave me another serve when I sat in his office again he let me continue my course, but I was "under notice".

For the next two years Jen was always keeping a watchful eye over me and making sure that I was pulling my finger out. And through all of this our love for each other just grew stronger and stronger.

I was really struggling in the music course, where we were required to play a piece on the organ in front of the music lecturer. In the music room there was a big bank of organs in rows, and the lecturer sat at the front and ticked us off as we played the required piece. You could have hardly had a less interested lecturer than the one we had then. He barely looked up or acknowledged us, he just ticked us off for playing our piece then sent us on our way. This got me thinking.

Somehow, and I still don't know how I pulled it off, I convinced Jen to come in with me, and while I did my test she would be 'silently practicing' for her test on an organ behind me.

The lecturer allowed this, and put his head back down into whatever it was that was more interesting and told me to start playing.

Now the plot thickens.

While the lecturer wasn't watching, I pretended that my hands were playing the required piece, when in fact, Jen was playing it on her organ. We reversed our roles !!

When it was finished he didn't even look up, he just said "DONE" and sent me on my way.

I passed !!!!

She even did most of a computer assignment for me that I just couldn't get a handle on, and regretfully I was less than patient with her when she was helping me with this. And she would often remind me about this, and rightly so.

Throughout all of this I was beginning to get better marks, but there was one subject that I just couldn't pass no matter what.

Maths.

And how ironic now that this is the subject I have built most of my teaching career on and love so much !!

I think the lecturer treated me as his bunny and just kept failing me as a way of showing each class that unless you did some serious work you'd end up in his class again like me. 

3 times!!!!!!!

Without a doubt our greatest achievement has been producing our 3 sons, Sam, Will and Lachie.

Lachie, Will and Sam

Will, Lachie and Sam with Sam's son Henry, our first grandchild.

Family meant everything to Jen and she was always there for them at every moment. Yes, she could be very firm with them, and boy did they need it at times! However, she was so protective, loyal and loving to them and there was nothing she wouldn't do for them.

They coined a phrase to describe her when she went into bat for them, or dealt with anyone who had wronged her. They said she could "Go from zero to bitch in less than 10 seconds", such was her attitude towards getting things sorted quickly !!

Jen spent countless hours standing on the edges of soccer pitches, tennis courts, basketball courts and futsal courts watching each of the boys pursue their passions for sport. Never did she complain about this, she was just so supportive to them and so proud of them. A classic 'soccer mum'!

Somehow, she didn't share the same passion when I was playing football, as she tended to dislike it as I kept getting injured and required many surgeries over the years as a result.

Without a doubt, Jen had amazing loyalty. To friends, family, work colleagues. You name it, she would give her best.

She was part of a group of 6 other friends who referred to themselves as 'The Secret Seven', and to see such loyalty from them all over nearly 40 years has been beautiful to witness and to be a small part of. Their support over the past ten months in particular gave Jen extra life, and helped me immensely through the toughest periods. In Jen's last few days I could just sense that they felt the end was near, and although they cared too much to ask, I could just tell that they understood and were giving me space to be with Jen.

There are no words to describe the respect I have for these people, or the love that Jen had for each of you.

As I said earlier, definitely punching above my weight with Jen !!

She just spread happiness.

Joy.

I can't do this post without mentioning the other pure joy in Jen's life, and that was the birth of our first grandchild, Henry.

Sam and Phoebe had spent many years overseas, and settled in Qld. This suited us as we now had a reason to make more trips north to see them. And when Henry came along around 20 months ago this would mean even more trips.

Sadly, like so many other families, Covid put a halt to this, but Sam and Phoebe have been so good with regular Facetime calls and almost daily photos and videos that we do not feel that we have missed a moment with him.

I'll just have to give him double the love from now on.

Love

A random scroll through her photos last week and I landed on this.

By choosing to celebrate the great memories of Jen in a way sounds like I am not mourning her loss. Believe me when I tell you that I am. Celebrating her memories magnifies the loss of her even more, but I feel this is a much better approach than focussing on the fact that she has gone. I was reading in a book yesterday that experiencing failure can often be the trigger towards developing greater strength to keep moving forward.

This experience will no doubt be with me forever and will be a motivator to keep trying to do what Jen would have wanted me to do, and in a manner that she would be proud of.

When we did have a glimmer of hope that Jen might have actually survived a few months ago, her determination to do all that she could to recover was inspiring. Such tiny steps were seen as major progress, and to see her persevere under the most extreme and difficult circumstances is something that I can only aspire to. 

How she was able to do this I'll never fully appreciate.

Or forget.

Anything that I endure from now on is utterly trivial to what I have seen Jen go through, it has been a major perspective pill to swallow for sure, but I hope I can channel her loss into doing all that I can to be better at all that I do.

I could go on and on about how things are going to be different from now on, but what that is going to look and feel like is just something I'll just have to wait and see.

We had so many plans to do things together, I guess I'll just have to reassess these now. I just thought we'd be together for a lot longer.

I see photos around the house, or hear a favourite song of Jen's and there are two ways of reacting. Get really sad, or celebrate the memories of why that song is special, or where we were for the photo. I think the answer is obvious.

So let me go back to the title of this post.

Jen was incredibly unlucky to get the all clear from Leukaemia, then on the same day suffer complications that eventually took her life.

But I have been so lucky to have shared so much of my life with her, to have done so many amazing things with her and to create memories that I will forever cherish and hold close to my heart. Nothing can change or take away what has happened, but rather than dwell on her death I'll spend the rest of my days being ever so grateful that she was in our lives, and that we loved each other so much.

How lucky have I been !!

In finishing, I'll just share another mention to Rach Zimmer. 

Last night, Nat and Nev came over to watch the footy with Will, myself and my brother Damian. They said that they had been to the White Hills Cemetery where Rach was laid to rest., and where Jen was buried also.

Just as we have done so much together as families, we continue to remain close after this life. Jen and Rach are in the same row, only 10 or so metres away from each other. I'm sure they've already had a few chats.

Rest peacefully Jen, we will love you forever ❤️

Well Readers,

Until my next post,

Cheers

❤️

A Brave Fight

 Goodbye Jen

Hi Readers,

A post that I haven't been sure about writing, but it does give me some solace getting some things off my chest. Plus, as I've previously mentioned in earlier posts, when you actually write about something you tend to think about it more, and this blog has been great therapy for me over the past few months.

This could be very difficult to write, or it just might be a joy, I'm sensing a combination of both.

I need to provide some background to this post as I have been mentioning some things over some time without really going into specifics, but now that doesn't really matter.

Let me go back to August last year. My wife, Jenny, had been off work for a week or so as she was slightly unwell, thinking she just had a bad cold and a slight reaction to her second Covid vaccination shot.

She woke up one night with a splitting headache, much worse than a normal headache, so jumped into the car and headed up to the emergency dept at the hospital. Upon being checked out, she was given an immediate scan and blood tests, and was soon home.

The next two days she was still unwell, and when she rang the doctor to get her results she was told to get to the hospital immediately.

I was at my school sports when she rang me to say where she was, so I got up there as soon as I could. By the time I saw her she informed me that the doctors were already thinking she may have Leukaemia, and that she needed to be transported to Melbourne the next day.

Things rapidly went at warp speed in the next few hours, and that night she was placed in an ambulance and taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital.

I went down the next morning to be with her where a battery of tests were being carried out, and although the doctors said they couldn't give a formal diagnosis that day, they were pretty sure what was expected.

The next day was a Friday, and Jen was given a formal diagnosis of Acute Myeloid Leukaemia, and treatment began immediately with chemo.

The thing that shocked me at this stage was how quickly she had deteriorated in just two days and some of this was of course due to the treatment she was being given.

Jen was now bed bound, and sadly this was pretty much her existence from now on.

Once all the various tests were completed over the following days and weeks, it was decided that a bone marrow transplant was required and needed to be done sooner rather than later. Both of her brothers were found to be suitable donors and one was selected. However, due to other reasons, a week or so before the transplant he was deemed to be less suitable than the other, so the transplant was postponed for a few weeks while further test were carried out on her other brother, who then became the donor.

What Jen treasured the most, her family.

Just to add to the hassles of everything, another lockdown was announced, and for a few weeks I was unable to see Jen at all. This was incredibly difficult to handle as I had taken leave from my teaching role ( from an extremely supportive school I must add !!!) so while I wasn't at work, I couldn't be with Jen either. She was in Melbourne and I was in Bendigo.

We've all heard those descriptions like "as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike", "as useless as handles on a snowball" and "as useless as a snooze button on a smoke detector". Well, this is what I felt like throughout this period of time.

I just so wanted to be with her, she wanted me down there, but I just wasn't allowed.

I felt totally useless.

Eventually, the visiting restrictions were eased just so slightly, even though the lockdown in Melbourne was still in place. I was allowed to travel down and back and wasn't restricted by the distance limit imposed on Melbourne residents. I could see her for one hour a day, so this was the start of many, many trips to Melbourne to spend my hour with her.

During this time I quickly became an expert in using podcasts in the car, using Apple play in the car and getting Siri to do lots of tasks for me.

You may think "so what", we all can do this, but please understand that whenever we were in the car it was usually together, and Jen would just do any of these tasks herself and I just didn't bother to learn how to do them. 

My favourite photo of Jen. It just captures everything about her that was so important to me.

Other tasks and roles I immediately had to learn and master.

Jen has always been the banker and Chief Financial Officer in our marriage. Not because I didn't want to do it, we just sort of took control of various tasks early in our marriage and this is one she took on, and did it so well, plus it never interested me anyway. Rarely do I know when it is pay week, and I've never paid any attention to what my salary is !! But Jen knew every bit of this.

So, I had to learn everything at once, so it was an appointment at the bank where they took me through all our finances, our different properties, how to do internet banking, the whole lot.

I'll openly confess to not knowing how to do any of this, as it was always being so capably handled by Jen that I never bothered to learn it.

Boy did I learn quickly though, and now I'm all over it.

Just before Jen went into hospital, we had bought her a new car, which had all the features she had always wanted. Sh'e only had it for a week before the proverbial hit the fan. We'd also bought a unit in Colac for her to stay in when she was making her regular trips there to visit her parents. This was also the reason for the new car, something which would be so good for her when making such regular long trips. As things turned out, we decided to sell the unit, another learning experience for me as with all our other housing purchases and sales, Jen just told me where to sign. Now I was the one doing the wheeling and dealing, so I hope I did it the way she wanted !

Back to the transplant.

Jen was allowed home for just under 4 weeks beforehand, and during this time she was mainly in bed or on the couch, as she was continually so exhausted and sick. We also had to travel back to Melbourne every few days for treatment, as well as Bendigo hospital appointments. These days would leave her totally wasted, as would simple tasks like moving around the house.

Jen with her family

The transplant was carried out in November, and we were both so surprised at the simplicity of it.

I was thinking that it might involve a major surgical procedure, when in fact it was just another bag of liquid among the many others that were hanging up beside her and being injected into her system. So simple, yet just so vital.

The next few weeks was just a waiting game.

Jen spent the next weeks in hospital and in early December I moved into a unit run by the Bone Marrow Donor Institute which is only a few minutes walk from Peter Mac and the Royal Melbourne Hospital (RMH)

After spending Christmas and New Year alone in the unit, and being allowed to visit for 1 hour a day, Jen was released in early January to join me in the unit. The purpose of moving into the unit was to be close to the hospitals as she would be requiring ongoing regular treatment, and travelling back and forth from Bendigo would be too much for her.

Jen spent most of this time in bed sleeping as she was constantly fatigued and suffering from nausea, two things that she was never able to shake in the coming months.

Just as we thought things were starting to improve, she was re-admitted to RMH for two weeks as things were getting hard for her.

Back into the unit with me, and sadly we received the news in early March that my much loved sister, Anne, had passed away in Bendigo from cancer.

This was an incredibly hard time for both of us as we knew we couldn't get to be with her in her final days, and would not be able to attend the funeral.

I'm so lucky to be in such a loving family who did all that they could to involve me in everything during this time.

Two days later, we were over at Peter Mac where Jen was having her usual treatment that usually lasted 3-4 hours.

A doctor came in early with the news that her leukaemia was now undetectable, the best news we could have hoped for.!!

Sadly, as it turns out, it was the last piece of good news I received from then on.

Within 1 hour of getting the all clear, Jen started to develop dizziness and stomach pains, which increased rapidly throughout the day.

She was placed back in RMH, and during the night I received a number of calls to say that she was now in ICU, then later on a call to say that she required immediate emergency surgery. Apparently a severe infection had developed in her stomach and without the surgery she would not get through the night.

Jen spent the next 4-5 weeks in ICU on life support.

Eventually the day came when the doctors had decided that it was time to withdraw the breathing tubes as they felt that she might be able to sustain herself.

This was such a tense meeting with so many doctors, but thankfully it went smoothly and Jen was able to breathe on her own.

A few days later she was moved back onto the ward and was still receiving acute care via oxygen, feeding tubes etc.

There were many ups and downs over the next few weeks, a few days in the Cardio-Pulmonary ward, another stint in ICU and many emergency calls when her health slipped suddenly.

Even as recently as three weeks ago she was receiving gentle physio to help move her arms and legs in order to prepare her for the long road ahead at Rehab which would obviously be many months.

However, over the past two weeks things started to go downhill. Jen was having occasional gains, but these were being overshadowed by the challenges that were becoming more regular.

Despite the unbelievable care and dedication from so many staff at RMH, Jen passed away 10 days ago on June 6.

It just became too hard for her and thankfully she was able to slip away peacefully with family by her side.

While we are all so saddened at her loss, we all know that she had suffered for so long and is now at peace. None of us would wish for her to continue this way any longer than she needed to. We dearly wish she was still with us, but we just have to accept the reality now.

With the joy of her life, Grandson Henry.

The past few days have been just a massive blur, a fog that doesn't seem to lift, but i'm sure it will at some time. Our 3 boys, Sam, Will and Lachie have been amazing, not just in their support to me, but to each other. Jen would be so proud of them, just as I am.

Having our Grandson Henry in the house has been the best tonic. He brings so much joy to us all and is a constant reminder that life goes on.

And he loves doing the "Spider Walks" with me just as much as our own boys did when they were his age. Not great for my arms and shoulder though!!

Despite all that has been going on in the house, it's the simple things that ground us and help us to gain perspective.

Yesterday was Jen's funeral and I hope that we gave her the send off that she so richly deserved. So many family and friends from far and wide, it was a fitting tribute to the person she was, and will always be.

The Secret 7

Jen developed the closest of friendships with 6 other friends when she began her teaching degree back in 1983. Yol, Mez, Fi, Anne, Leanne and Yol have stayed together through thick and thin for so long, and they called themselves "The Secret 7'.

To have them together again under such sad circumstances was tragic, but also a celebration. They have been with Jen  (and me) throughout this ordeal, and I know for sure that they added to her life, particularly in the past few months when things were becoming dire. To share Jen's life with them yesterday was so special, and I know why Jen loved each one of them so much. You are truly beautiful people, we love you.

Thanks 7 ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ xxxxxxx

Now that everything is done and dusted, today is the first day in moving forward and getting on with life. I'm not sure what this will look like yet as I'm only able to look at getting through today, then I'll focus on tomorrow.

There are just so many things running through my mind right now and thankfully our boys are so helpful in keeping me on track and not rushing in and making rash decisions. I never thought for a moment that I'd ever be without Jen, we just had so many plans for our future together. I guess I'll just have to rethink so many things and do what I think Jen would have wanted me to do.

Last week the 4 of us went to the MCG to watch Richmond play Port Adelaide, and a win by the Tigers capped the night.

The highlight for me was the two and bit hours in the car together on the way down, then again on the way home, quality time together that we all needed.

After being away from work for nearly 11 months I'll be heading back in a few weeks which will be a bit of a challenge. I'd only just become familiar with running a classroom again and then I was off to support Jen. I'm sure going to find this challenging, as I've been in such a routine of just doing hospital visits for so long and my 'teacher brain' will need to be reactivated !!

I'm lucky that I work in such a great school with such supportive staff and students so I already feel that I'm ready to go back. Otherwise I could see myself just moping around the house, something I'm determined to avoid.

Just being around people again is already something I'm becoming accustomed to. Since December when I moved into a unit in Melbourne near the hospitals, I was by myself, save for a precious few weeks when Jen was with me. The only people I interacted with during this time were the doctors and nurses at the hospitals, and a couple of short walks around the block near the unit with 3 different friends who came to see me.

Two of the boys also had a weekend with me which was just so good.

It sounds so strange when I think that here I was in a city of 5 million, but I had no-one to talk to !!

I could go on and on talking about how supportive everyone has been to myself, Sam, Will and Lachie throughout this time. To each and every one of you, far too many to mention, all I can say is Thank you.. and that just feels so inadequate.

To the staff at Peter Mac and RMH, Thank You also feels so inadequate, but I just can't express enough my gratitude to you all. When Jen passed last week, there were so many staff coming to console me and even they had trouble holding back the tears. Jen had been in there for 88 days on top of the time spent on Ward 7B last year, and they said that not many patients stay for that long. They got to know her so well, it was like they were losing a friend also.

You are all pure angels.

In finishing, let me share something that Nat and Nev Zimmer mentioned in the beautiful eulogy they presented at the funeral yesterday.

A few months ago, before things got really bad, Jen sent a photo of herself and our Grandson Henry to Nat. It was beautiful, and had 4 words.

My Work is Done.

That just says so much about Jen, her devotion to family was constant, and the memory of her will be forever constant as we move on without her.

To the many people who I didn't get the chance to speak to yesterday, please forgive me, but also know that we can't thank you enough for all of the love, care and support you have given us and Jenny over this period.

Well Readers,

Life goes on, go and give your family a hug ❤️

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

For further pictures, please feel free to visit this website.