Face Up !!

Hi Readers,

Once again apologising for the length between posts, just sparing you from the tedium!!

As per usual, I have so many ideas floating around inside my head, mainly because there's probably not much in there to bump into!!

As I've mentioned in so many other posts, sometimes an idea is so obvious you don't realise it until it lands right in your lap, and it happened again this week. Just like most other weeks!

For my overseas readers, these next two weeks are our school holidays and I've decided to make the most of this opportunity to leave the Winter cold of Bendigo and head north to Queensland to visit two of our sons, our daughter in law and cherished Grandson.

The past two weeks in Bendigo have been bleak and miserable, with a number of days in the single figures or just above at best. I was travelling to school in the dark and when going home it wasn't much brighter either. Having experienced Winter in Europe and Canada I know I sound like a pussy, but when one usually has slightly better weather we do tend to become precious when it gets too cold for our liking. 🥶

Anyway, while boarding the plane early a few days ago it was still cold and windy in Melbourne and all I could think of was the difference that I'd be experiencing in just over two hours. 

Now this is where we come to the focus of this post.

Where I am staying is a place that Jen and I have stayed at a number of times. Great location, facilities and people who run it. At the check in desk they have some bowls with various cards and tags in them, each with a positive comment or mindset focus. Exactly the thing that I have become even more passionate about over the past two years.

This morning I reached in and pulled out two random cards and decided they would be the focus of this post, and they couldn't have been more appropriate.

Face the Situation

Willingness

At first I nearly put them back, but that defeats the purpose of accepting the randomness of life and the situations we find ourselves in.

The "Willingness" prompted me to accept both cards and to ponder more about what I was willing to accept in my life and accept as my 'new normal'.

Sometimes you just don't know what will dawn on you until it does and this occurred on Monday.

As my regular readers would know, my body is falling apart and the good doctors of Bendigo are doing what they can to keep it upright, moving and somewhat pain free. Two out of three is still good, Meatloaf would attest to this!! I must have paid for their school fees and overseas holidays for the next few years!!

Anyway, on Monday I was feeling relatively good, much better than usual, so thought that I'd go for a walk along the foreshore. I'll admit I was still limping a bit, but it was the best I had ever been, and I managed more than an hour in the glorious Qld sunshine looking over a perfectly calm, blue sea.

It was amazing how a warm breeze, a slightly less painful leg and a beautiful day can change one's mindset so quickly. My mind was racing and it soon dawned on me that I was only thinking of positive things. Life was great!

Until, unexpectedly a thought came into my mind.

"You're really on your own now"

Yep, for the first time I fully realised that this is what is ahead of me now, that I'm actually on my own. 

Every other holiday was spent with someone else, and any recent trips had a distinct purpose. This is my first actual 'holiday" without Jen and it was the first time that the full reality hit me. I'm not for a moment feeling sorry for myself, but every other trip I've done there has been endless discussion about what to do each day, where to go, what to eat and so on. Now those decisions are so trivial and I must confess that not much thought goes into them as I haven't been in this situation before.

I'll admit though that I haven't been able to do much since my celebrated walk on Monday as my leg blew up and I'm pretty much housebound again! Talk about going from chocolates to boiled lollies. At least I can still maintain the attitude of "I'm not sick, just broken", so this will soon pass.

This where the "Face The Situation" card slapped me in the face ever so subtly. (Did I spell that right???) 

I need to "Face Up" to the reality that now confronts me, that I'm now on my own. I've known this since the day we lost Jen, but the reality became crystal clear on Monday when I fully realised what life will be looking like from now on. 

Over the past couple of months I've actually had people say to me that it's time that I "Got over it" or "Moved on". I detest that term so much, and get so offended that others will think that they are the judges for what they think I should do without even talking to me first. It's the last thing on my mind and I've never considered it. As I said in a previous post, I'm not lonely for others, just one. And I wouldn't for a moment consider inflicting myself on someone else while I feel the way that I do, something that I have really faced up to.

Usually when I go walking, riding or running (aaahh, those days...) I'd have headphones on. While walking on Monday I didn't, so my thoughts must have been running wild, but in the end helped to provide some clarity as well.

So what else can I take from this?

In my last post I mentioned how crappy I am at teaching Literacy, whereas I tend to back myself with Maths and Sport. I'm able to face up to this, but the important thing is what am I going to do about it? I do lean on my colleagues, so hard at times that I practically knock them over!! But it means I'm prepared to identify and acknowledge my weaknesses and not be ashamed about it. 

It's how it is.

So Readers, I'm not suggesting that you go to the white flag cupboard and start broadcasting all the things that you'd like to be better at, it's just a prompt to sit back and self reflect and perhaps identify them yourself and consider your options from now on.

You might not change the world, but you might change yourself?

Hugh van Cuylenburg from "The Resilience Project" talks a lot about being 'vulnerable', and how liberating it can be. My own personal experience can only vouch for this. 'Facing Up' and having a 'Willingness' to do this can do so much to help us through those times in life or at work or in relationships where we might be struggling a bit. I've been encouraged to continue my posts because I do expose my vulnerability, even though I still cop flak at times from people who question why I do what I do. It's my choice, so that's okay with me.

I had to 'face up' recently when I needed some work done to fix a retaining wall at another place we own. My handyman skills do not even rate at the lowest possible level, even so much harder with the current condition of my body.

I persevered, even bought a new pair of work boots in the vain hope that they would "fix" my leg. It rained, I swore, it rained more and there were more "F-Bombs" flying around the yard than the autumn leaves blowing off the trees.

But it got done. And three weeks later it is still upright!!

I was willing to accept my lack of skill level and have a crack, it did so much for my own self confidence.

Once again Readers, I'm not asking you to save the world, just to ponder about what you are willing to accept and face up to.  Be warned, the harsh reality can be confronting, and I mean that seriously, but also in a humorous context as well.

Being up here in Qld I have the pure joy of spending time each day with two of our sons, Sam and Will, our daughter in law Phoebe and our beautiful grandson Henry.

Okay, I'll be honest, Henry is the big attraction!!

There was a moment last night where I was taking a photo of him and he saw the photos I have inside my phone cover. Another moment of "Facing The Situation", and a beautiful moment with a toddler who is starting to really talk.

He saw the photos inside the cover and was saying the names of everyone.

He then pointed to the photo of Jen and said "That's Gran". 

After pausing and looking at her, he then looked at me so innocently and said "Is she at your house?"

What could I say but yes. I still question if that was the right thing to say, but he needed an answer. 

Obviously Sam and Phoebe are doing so much to ensure that he grows up knowing that he had a Gran who lived with Pop, but he doesn't get to see her. As he grows older he will gradually understand what happened to her and why she doesn't visit with me, and I couldn't be prouder of his parents and the way that they are preserving her memory.

Facing up to the pure innocence of toddlers and what they say can be startling at times, but also heart warming, and I took this moment as one of those to treasure.

Breakfast with my favourite man, "Cheers Big Ears!!

     Well Readers,

Another post of convoluted waffle, I hope you got even the slightest bit of sense from it.

I'll be looking in the bowl at the check in desk again tomorrow for some more inspiration, which means subjecting you to more of me banging on about goodness knows what!!

And for my friends back home, it continues to be sunny and warm up here !!☀️🌞☀️🌞

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 One Year On...

Hi Readers,

A post that I never thought that I'd write or expect to write, as I just thought that we'd gracefully grow old together. This was not to be.

June 6th marks the first anniversary of Jen's passing, a day that I've been dreading, but every day is hard without her. I'm not the first person to lose a partner or family member, and I'm definitely not going to be the last. All I wanted to do was continue with my writing as it has been one of the things that has kept me sane over the past 18 months and helped me to process all of the things that I have felt, seen and experienced during her illness, and the subsequent 12 months without her.

After the funeral and everything started to go back to 'normal', with family heading back to their own homes and lives, I really found some things quite a shock to the system.

I took two weeks extra leave and then it was school holidays, which gave me a full month to get my s$%t together before heading back to school with my Grade 5 class.

I didn't know what to expect and just took things as they happened. There is no rule book on grief, and although many people were so kind in their support and advice, I just had to navigate this journey in my own way. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I needed to discover things for myself.

Loving being a Grandmother

Possibly the first thing that slapped me in the face was when I needed to go somewhere or do something. For 34 years I was in the habit of telling her what I was going to do, or that I was heading out to do something. Now I was finding myself going out to do the usual things and I was continually stopping to check myself, as I felt that I had to let someone know, just in case they were looking for me. It was so hard to not think about letting someone else know what you were planning to do.

At first it felt strange, that I was ducking out and not telling anyone what I was doing or where I was going. Even somewhat guilty. I just couldn't control it and it took quite some time before I became accustomed to just doing things without thinking of letting someone else know. Just a habit that had formed over so many years, we were always so good at letting each other know where we were at all times and what we were doing. 

It even applied to the simplest of things.

Like getting up to make a cuppa or get a drink. We'd always ask each other if they needed something. It took me ages to sort of get out of the habit of checking with someone else whenever I was doing some of the most mundane things in life.

But these were the things that we always joked about, saying they were "life giving".

eg: I'd offer to get Jen a cuppa/drink and she'd say yes, and then add "That's so life giving". It became a joke that we'd say so often that we usually didn't know we said it. 

Now I appreciate every time I said it.

So Readers, just as hard as it was leaving the house without letting the other half know, it was doubly hard coming home.

At first I didn't think about coming home to an empty house each night, but as days turned into weeks it became painfully obvious that she just wasn't here anymore. So many years of coming home and banging on about your day were par for the course in our house. Who could get their stories out first? The calmest? The funniest etc. Now it's just throw your stuff in the usual spot and then wonder what to do next.

Some nights I even dreaded leaving work as I didn't like coming home.

I'm lucky that I am someone who always likes to be active, so I always have some structure in my day. It quickly became clear to me that I could fall into the trap of getting home and wallowing in self pity, and Jen would slap me back into reality quickly if she thought I was doing this. So I have managed to make sure that as soon as I'm home I get stuck into something, be that some exercise, mowing the lawns, fixing something up, whatever. Just a task that gives me something to do when I get home, rather than plonking in front of the tv.

But let's be real here. Some nights I do just do that, but an hour or so later I get the guilts and go and do something anyway!!

We were so lucky that we travelled so much when we could. We spent buckets of money, saw so much of the world and wouldn't trade the memories or experiences for a second.

So, doing things without 'checking in' and coming home to the empty house really slapped me early on, but the next one still gets me and catches me out.

I'll be watching something on tv, and just like you, when something catches your attention you immediately mention it to whoever else may be in the room. I accept here that not everyone who reads this has a partner or family in their homes right now, and like me is in a single situation. I'm still getting accustomed to this situation, so bear with me.

I'll see an item on the news and I just want to respond out loud, but now there's no-one to do it with, whereas in the past we may have had a great discussion on what we had just seen. We may have laughed about it, shed a tear or had a disagreement about it. Anything, but just a response.

So often I go to say something but have to stop myself as I feel stupid nearly talking to myself!! This has taken quite some time to become accustomed to, especially after watching Ted Lasso !! I'm sure Jen would have loved this series as it contains all the things that we would often talk about.

Thankfully I have someone else very close who totally gets it, and we often share messages after each episode.

Thanks Gez ❤️

My favourite photo of her.

Since I have gone back to work full time again I have found that I have been getting to work earlier than I ever have been in the past.

Why?

I am a creature of habit, and due to my various surgeries in the past 6 months I still have a lot of rehab to do. Due to my somewhat obsessive nature at times, I am quite a stickler for maintaining my rehab routines, which means getting up at 5:00 every morning and doing a full hour of various exercises to assist with the recovery for my hands, shoulder and leg. By the time I shower and have a quick brekky it's still quite early, and as there is nothing much else to do in the house, I head to work and get lots done before school. After school is another story...I check out!!!

Previously I'd have brekky with Jen, but now I just don't like hanging around the house so I'm more productive by heading to work early and getting work done. I'm okay with this, it's just one of the changes that have come into my life. 

I've mentioned in quite a few posts that sometimes things just fall into your lap at the right time, and another instance of this occurred to me today.

I was reading in a book that I just love, that we can choose how we respond to the events that happen in our lives. For so many of the things that I've experienced in the past 18 months I haven't really been able to choose how to respond at first, but over time this has been a tiny bit easier as I make more sense of these events.

Something that fell into my lap in the past few weeks has been the latest series of "Ted Lasso" which I mentioned earlier. Rather than go into an in depth analysis of this brilliant series, let me just say that it has only reinforced further the benefits of being vulnerable and opening up to others. So many instances of it in the latest series that I have been able to relate to so much, it has been a godsend.

Life was just fun with her.

After spending 34 years together it is still hard to become accustomed to doing things without someone who has been there with you all the time. I still expect to see her sitting in her favourite chair, or hearing the usual comments when I do something wrong or cook something the wrong way ! We weren't averse to having our say!

It has been a massive learning curve and I am still only learning how to cope without her.

Perhaps the greatest joy that she experienced in her final years was becoming a grandmother for the first time to our beautiful Grandson Henry.

Jen just adored Henry and it breaks my heart that she can't be here to watch him grow up and be a part of his life. Also, that Henry won't really have many or any memories of her as well. Jen's mum always gave our boys matchbox cars and books every time she visited, and Jen had continued this tradition with Henry. It's now up to me to continue this in her memory, something that I am determined to do just as well as she would have. It's a great legacy to leave Jen !!

When Jen became really sick she made me promise that I'd get myself checked and sorted, as I was carrying a few niggles due to my own injuries and illnesses over the years. A few months after her passing I decided to heed her advice and haven't the doctors in Bendigo had a field day since!! I'm sure they see me as a Cash Cow every time I walk in their surgeries, and I'm still getting things done. But all of this is minor to what she went through, I'm not sick, just broken.

Well Readers, this post doesn't have much structure at all to it as I've rambled around a bit. It has been just a bit hard to really focus as it has been a hard write. Tomorrow will be a hard day, but then today has been hard, Wednesday will be hard, every day is hard. 

The support that the boys and I have had has been overwhelming, which is indicative of the love, respect and esteem in which Jen was held in our community. 

Thank you everyone 🙏

As I said earlier, I''m not the first person to lose someone, but my writing about it helps me to cope with it better. The boys and I were so blessed to have had Jen in our lives and our first year without her has been tough. Hopefully the memories we have and the love she had for us will always carry us through the days when we miss her the most.

Until my next post...

❤️