One Year On...

Hi Readers,

A post that I never thought that I'd write or expect to write, as I just thought that we'd gracefully grow old together. This was not to be.

June 6th marks the first anniversary of Jen's passing, a day that I've been dreading, but every day is hard without her. I'm not the first person to lose a partner or family member, and I'm definitely not going to be the last. All I wanted to do was continue with my writing as it has been one of the things that has kept me sane over the past 18 months and helped me to process all of the things that I have felt, seen and experienced during her illness, and the subsequent 12 months without her.

After the funeral and everything started to go back to 'normal', with family heading back to their own homes and lives, I really found some things quite a shock to the system.

I took two weeks extra leave and then it was school holidays, which gave me a full month to get my s$%t together before heading back to school with my Grade 5 class.

I didn't know what to expect and just took things as they happened. There is no rule book on grief, and although many people were so kind in their support and advice, I just had to navigate this journey in my own way. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I needed to discover things for myself.

Loving being a Grandmother

Possibly the first thing that slapped me in the face was when I needed to go somewhere or do something. For 34 years I was in the habit of telling her what I was going to do, or that I was heading out to do something. Now I was finding myself going out to do the usual things and I was continually stopping to check myself, as I felt that I had to let someone know, just in case they were looking for me. It was so hard to not think about letting someone else know what you were planning to do.

At first it felt strange, that I was ducking out and not telling anyone what I was doing or where I was going. Even somewhat guilty. I just couldn't control it and it took quite some time before I became accustomed to just doing things without thinking of letting someone else know. Just a habit that had formed over so many years, we were always so good at letting each other know where we were at all times and what we were doing. 

It even applied to the simplest of things.

Like getting up to make a cuppa or get a drink. We'd always ask each other if they needed something. It took me ages to sort of get out of the habit of checking with someone else whenever I was doing some of the most mundane things in life.

But these were the things that we always joked about, saying they were "life giving".

eg: I'd offer to get Jen a cuppa/drink and she'd say yes, and then add "That's so life giving". It became a joke that we'd say so often that we usually didn't know we said it. 

Now I appreciate every time I said it.

So Readers, just as hard as it was leaving the house without letting the other half know, it was doubly hard coming home.

At first I didn't think about coming home to an empty house each night, but as days turned into weeks it became painfully obvious that she just wasn't here anymore. So many years of coming home and banging on about your day were par for the course in our house. Who could get their stories out first? The calmest? The funniest etc. Now it's just throw your stuff in the usual spot and then wonder what to do next.

Some nights I even dreaded leaving work as I didn't like coming home.

I'm lucky that I am someone who always likes to be active, so I always have some structure in my day. It quickly became clear to me that I could fall into the trap of getting home and wallowing in self pity, and Jen would slap me back into reality quickly if she thought I was doing this. So I have managed to make sure that as soon as I'm home I get stuck into something, be that some exercise, mowing the lawns, fixing something up, whatever. Just a task that gives me something to do when I get home, rather than plonking in front of the tv.

But let's be real here. Some nights I do just do that, but an hour or so later I get the guilts and go and do something anyway!!

We were so lucky that we travelled so much when we could. We spent buckets of money, saw so much of the world and wouldn't trade the memories or experiences for a second.

So, doing things without 'checking in' and coming home to the empty house really slapped me early on, but the next one still gets me and catches me out.

I'll be watching something on tv, and just like you, when something catches your attention you immediately mention it to whoever else may be in the room. I accept here that not everyone who reads this has a partner or family in their homes right now, and like me is in a single situation. I'm still getting accustomed to this situation, so bear with me.

I'll see an item on the news and I just want to respond out loud, but now there's no-one to do it with, whereas in the past we may have had a great discussion on what we had just seen. We may have laughed about it, shed a tear or had a disagreement about it. Anything, but just a response.

So often I go to say something but have to stop myself as I feel stupid nearly talking to myself!! This has taken quite some time to become accustomed to, especially after watching Ted Lasso !! I'm sure Jen would have loved this series as it contains all the things that we would often talk about.

Thankfully I have someone else very close who totally gets it, and we often share messages after each episode.

Thanks Gez ❤️

My favourite photo of her.

Since I have gone back to work full time again I have found that I have been getting to work earlier than I ever have been in the past.

Why?

I am a creature of habit, and due to my various surgeries in the past 6 months I still have a lot of rehab to do. Due to my somewhat obsessive nature at times, I am quite a stickler for maintaining my rehab routines, which means getting up at 5:00 every morning and doing a full hour of various exercises to assist with the recovery for my hands, shoulder and leg. By the time I shower and have a quick brekky it's still quite early, and as there is nothing much else to do in the house, I head to work and get lots done before school. After school is another story...I check out!!!

Previously I'd have brekky with Jen, but now I just don't like hanging around the house so I'm more productive by heading to work early and getting work done. I'm okay with this, it's just one of the changes that have come into my life. 

I've mentioned in quite a few posts that sometimes things just fall into your lap at the right time, and another instance of this occurred to me today.

I was reading in a book that I just love, that we can choose how we respond to the events that happen in our lives. For so many of the things that I've experienced in the past 18 months I haven't really been able to choose how to respond at first, but over time this has been a tiny bit easier as I make more sense of these events.

Something that fell into my lap in the past few weeks has been the latest series of "Ted Lasso" which I mentioned earlier. Rather than go into an in depth analysis of this brilliant series, let me just say that it has only reinforced further the benefits of being vulnerable and opening up to others. So many instances of it in the latest series that I have been able to relate to so much, it has been a godsend.

Life was just fun with her.

After spending 34 years together it is still hard to become accustomed to doing things without someone who has been there with you all the time. I still expect to see her sitting in her favourite chair, or hearing the usual comments when I do something wrong or cook something the wrong way ! We weren't averse to having our say!

It has been a massive learning curve and I am still only learning how to cope without her.

Perhaps the greatest joy that she experienced in her final years was becoming a grandmother for the first time to our beautiful Grandson Henry.

Jen just adored Henry and it breaks my heart that she can't be here to watch him grow up and be a part of his life. Also, that Henry won't really have many or any memories of her as well. Jen's mum always gave our boys matchbox cars and books every time she visited, and Jen had continued this tradition with Henry. It's now up to me to continue this in her memory, something that I am determined to do just as well as she would have. It's a great legacy to leave Jen !!

When Jen became really sick she made me promise that I'd get myself checked and sorted, as I was carrying a few niggles due to my own injuries and illnesses over the years. A few months after her passing I decided to heed her advice and haven't the doctors in Bendigo had a field day since!! I'm sure they see me as a Cash Cow every time I walk in their surgeries, and I'm still getting things done. But all of this is minor to what she went through, I'm not sick, just broken.

Well Readers, this post doesn't have much structure at all to it as I've rambled around a bit. It has been just a bit hard to really focus as it has been a hard write. Tomorrow will be a hard day, but then today has been hard, Wednesday will be hard, every day is hard. 

The support that the boys and I have had has been overwhelming, which is indicative of the love, respect and esteem in which Jen was held in our community. 

Thank you everyone 🙏

As I said earlier, I''m not the first person to lose someone, but my writing about it helps me to cope with it better. The boys and I were so blessed to have had Jen in our lives and our first year without her has been tough. Hopefully the memories we have and the love she had for us will always carry us through the days when we miss her the most.

Until my next post...

❤️