Face Up !!
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Hi Readers,
Once again apologising for the length between posts, just sparing you from the tedium!!
As per usual, I have so many ideas floating around inside my head, mainly because there's probably not much in there to bump into!!
As I've mentioned in so many other posts, sometimes an idea is so obvious you don't realise it until it lands right in your lap, and it happened again this week. Just like most other weeks!
For my overseas readers, these next two weeks are our school holidays and I've decided to make the most of this opportunity to leave the Winter cold of Bendigo and head north to Queensland to visit two of our sons, our daughter in law and cherished Grandson.
The past two weeks in Bendigo have been bleak and miserable, with a number of days in the single figures or just above at best. I was travelling to school in the dark and when going home it wasn't much brighter either. Having experienced Winter in Europe and Canada I know I sound like a pussy, but when one usually has slightly better weather we do tend to become precious when it gets too cold for our liking. 🥶
Anyway, while boarding the plane early a few days ago it was still cold and windy in Melbourne and all I could think of was the difference that I'd be experiencing in just over two hours.
Now this is where we come to the focus of this post.
Where I am staying is a place that Jen and I have stayed at a number of times. Great location, facilities and people who run it. At the check in desk they have some bowls with various cards and tags in them, each with a positive comment or mindset focus. Exactly the thing that I have become even more passionate about over the past two years.
This morning I reached in and pulled out two random cards and decided they would be the focus of this post, and they couldn't have been more appropriate.
Face the Situation
Willingness
At first I nearly put them back, but that defeats the purpose of accepting the randomness of life and the situations we find ourselves in.
The "Willingness" prompted me to accept both cards and to ponder more about what I was willing to accept in my life and accept as my 'new normal'.
Sometimes you just don't know what will dawn on you until it does and this occurred on Monday.
As my regular readers would know, my body is falling apart and the good doctors of Bendigo are doing what they can to keep it upright, moving and somewhat pain free. Two out of three is still good, Meatloaf would attest to this!! I must have paid for their school fees and overseas holidays for the next few years!!
Anyway, on Monday I was feeling relatively good, much better than usual, so thought that I'd go for a walk along the foreshore. I'll admit I was still limping a bit, but it was the best I had ever been, and I managed more than an hour in the glorious Qld sunshine looking over a perfectly calm, blue sea.
It was amazing how a warm breeze, a slightly less painful leg and a beautiful day can change one's mindset so quickly. My mind was racing and it soon dawned on me that I was only thinking of positive things. Life was great!
Until, unexpectedly a thought came into my mind.
"You're really on your own now"
Yep, for the first time I fully realised that this is what is ahead of me now, that I'm actually on my own.
Every other holiday was spent with someone else, and any recent trips had a distinct purpose. This is my first actual 'holiday" without Jen and it was the first time that the full reality hit me. I'm not for a moment feeling sorry for myself, but every other trip I've done there has been endless discussion about what to do each day, where to go, what to eat and so on. Now those decisions are so trivial and I must confess that not much thought goes into them as I haven't been in this situation before.
I'll admit though that I haven't been able to do much since my celebrated walk on Monday as my leg blew up and I'm pretty much housebound again! Talk about going from chocolates to boiled lollies. At least I can still maintain the attitude of "I'm not sick, just broken", so this will soon pass.
This where the "Face The Situation" card slapped me in the face ever so subtly. (Did I spell that right???)
I need to "Face Up" to the reality that now confronts me, that I'm now on my own. I've known this since the day we lost Jen, but the reality became crystal clear on Monday when I fully realised what life will be looking like from now on.
Over the past couple of months I've actually had people say to me that it's time that I "Got over it" or "Moved on". I detest that term so much, and get so offended that others will think that they are the judges for what they think I should do without even talking to me first. It's the last thing on my mind and I've never considered it. As I said in a previous post, I'm not lonely for others, just one. And I wouldn't for a moment consider inflicting myself on someone else while I feel the way that I do, something that I have really faced up to.
Usually when I go walking, riding or running (aaahh, those days...) I'd have headphones on. While walking on Monday I didn't, so my thoughts must have been running wild, but in the end helped to provide some clarity as well.
So what else can I take from this?
In my last post I mentioned how crappy I am at teaching Literacy, whereas I tend to back myself with Maths and Sport. I'm able to face up to this, but the important thing is what am I going to do about it? I do lean on my colleagues, so hard at times that I practically knock them over!! But it means I'm prepared to identify and acknowledge my weaknesses and not be ashamed about it.
It's how it is.
So Readers, I'm not suggesting that you go to the white flag cupboard and start broadcasting all the things that you'd like to be better at, it's just a prompt to sit back and self reflect and perhaps identify them yourself and consider your options from now on.
You might not change the world, but you might change yourself?
Hugh van Cuylenburg from "The Resilience Project" talks a lot about being 'vulnerable', and how liberating it can be. My own personal experience can only vouch for this. 'Facing Up' and having a 'Willingness' to do this can do so much to help us through those times in life or at work or in relationships where we might be struggling a bit. I've been encouraged to continue my posts because I do expose my vulnerability, even though I still cop flak at times from people who question why I do what I do. It's my choice, so that's okay with me.
I had to 'face up' recently when I needed some work done to fix a retaining wall at another place we own. My handyman skills do not even rate at the lowest possible level, even so much harder with the current condition of my body.
I persevered, even bought a new pair of work boots in the vain hope that they would "fix" my leg. It rained, I swore, it rained more and there were more "F-Bombs" flying around the yard than the autumn leaves blowing off the trees.
But it got done. And three weeks later it is still upright!!
I was willing to accept my lack of skill level and have a crack, it did so much for my own self confidence.
Being up here in Qld I have the pure joy of spending time each day with two of our sons, Sam and Will, our daughter in law Phoebe and our beautiful grandson Henry.
Okay, I'll be honest, Henry is the big attraction!!
There was a moment last night where I was taking a photo of him and he saw the photos I have inside my phone cover. Another moment of "Facing The Situation", and a beautiful moment with a toddler who is starting to really talk.
He saw the photos inside the cover and was saying the names of everyone.
He then pointed to the photo of Jen and said "That's Gran".
After pausing and looking at her, he then looked at me so innocently and said "Is she at your house?"
What could I say but yes. I still question if that was the right thing to say, but he needed an answer.
Obviously Sam and Phoebe are doing so much to ensure that he grows up knowing that he had a Gran who lived with Pop, but he doesn't get to see her. As he grows older he will gradually understand what happened to her and why she doesn't visit with me, and I couldn't be prouder of his parents and the way that they are preserving her memory.
Facing up to the pure innocence of toddlers and what they say can be startling at times, but also heart warming, and I took this moment as one of those to treasure.
Breakfast with my favourite man, "Cheers Big Ears!!
Well Readers,
Another post of convoluted waffle, I hope you got even the slightest bit of sense from it.
I'll be looking in the bowl at the check in desk again tomorrow for some more inspiration, which means subjecting you to more of me banging on about goodness knows what!!
And for my friends back home, it continues to be sunny and warm up here !!☀️🌞☀️🌞
Until my next post,
Cheers 😁
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