Time and Space

Hi Readers,

Another gap between posts but I have an extremely legitimate excuse, and one that I share with immense pride and joy.

Jen and I became Grandparents again last week and it has been a rush organising myself to get up to Qld to see our son Sam, his wife Phoebe, grandson Henry and new grandson Angus John. Needless to say, my attention has been completely focussing on them and my blogging has definitely had to take a back seat.

I'm as happy as a dog with two tails at the moment, it has been such a joy seeing Sam and Phoebe add to their family, and to watch and listen to Henry talk about his new brother.

 

              After all the rough and tumble that I enjoy with Henry, I had to quickly adjust to being quiet and gentle with Angus. I realised how much I'd lost my baby skills!

Now, back to the focus of this post, "Time and Space"

Just over a week ago it was our wedding anniversary, 36 years together. I still count the years together since losing Jen, so that's why I don't stop counting at 34 years.

Anyway, I went up to the cemetery to place fresh flowers at her grave, have a drink, play some of our songs and generally just have some time with her.

Nearby was an older man who looked to me to be doing pretty much the same thing, minus the music. He looked across, gave me a gentle nod to acknowledge my presence then continued to sit quietly. I'll point out here Readers that my music was turned down so as not to interfere with any other people.

I only had one can of drink and when I finished it after 10 mins or so, I noticed this man coming towards me. Clearly he took the finishing of the drink as an appropriate time to approach me.

I can't even remember the first thing that he said, but it was gentle and welcoming.. Something like "It's a nice place to be". We made some initial small talk before he told me that he was visiting his wife who was buried nearby and who passed away 6 months ago. He asked me politely who I was visiting, and when I said it was our anniversary I started to tear up and find it hard to talk. 

All he did next was just place his hand on my shoulder and said nothing. He just gave me the time and space to get myself together again. He was a master of judging when to talk again and didn't push for me to talk when I couldn't, or to reveal things that I'd rather not.

I eventually discovered that he and his wife had 60 years together, what a great effort 👏👏

As I composed myself a bit more the discussion flowed and we talked about lots of things. Eventually it came out that I was a teacher, and he asked where I taught. When I told him he said that his grandkids had gone to school there. When I asked about them it turns out that I conducted the interview for the twin girls when they were enrolling a few years ago. I clearly remember one of them crawling around under the table while I did the interview with the other one, and when it came to swap over the one who had just done the interview told the other what to say and do for each activity that we were asking them to do. It's not a formal interview, just a few questions and activities about numbers, letters, colours etc just to give us an idea of what they could do already.

Suddenly this random person and I had a closer connection and this enabled us to talk about things a bit more deeply as we both had an unfortunate thing in common, having lost our partners. He even shared the same name as my late brother, a name that is not very common at all, and I've only ever known 3 people to have the same name. Ironically, one of these was a recent student at my school. We shared our experiences and thoughts for 15 minutes or so, and I could tell that he knew when it was time for us both to have some time to ourselves again.  

Time and Space.

He went back to his wife's grave for a moment, then came back past me and shook my hand saying that he was looking forward to seeing me again. After he left I went over to see his wife's headstone, and lo and behold I knew another of his sons whose children I taught at another school 20 years ago and had a lot to do with. If I'd known this when I was talking to him we may have ended up chatting for much longer than the 15 mins we had.

This is why I chose this title for the post today. This man clearly knew the importance of giving people time and space, and he taught me a lot about it as well.

Readers, I', not suggesting that we all go and hang around a cemetery looking for someone to practice this on, but what I'm suggesting is that it isn't hard to apply it to our everyday lives.

For example, this week is our last week of holidays before school begins again next week. As such, many teachers have been out at school getting their classrooms prepared for the first day. For me, I prefer to get out there, smash out whatever I need to do then get out. I generally don't want to get stuck having long chats with others as I just want to do what I need to do and then enjoy whatever remaining holiday time I have left. I'll still go and say hello to any others in the building but I will be so conscious of not wasting their time as they may very well be wanting to do the same as me.

There have been times when I've gone out there to do some work, got involved in a long chat then came home with nothing getting done at all, meaning I need to go back again to get done what I intended to do in the first place. I know this sounds selfish, but just as much as I want to get my things done, I'd hate to stop someone else from getting their things done. 

By saying to them in the first place something like "I'm just out here for an hour or two to get things done, so I won't hold you up" enables me to keep the distractions to a minimum.

 Maybe it's just being professionally rude !!

Going back to my opening comments about our new Grandson arriving, as much as I wanted to be around them celebrating this wonderful event, I also needed  to be conscious of the time and space needed for our son and his family.

Who doesn't want to nurse the newborn baby ? But when there are other family and friends visiting too one needs to be very aware of the time and space that each person needs. I have in the past been told about arguments starting between families because "they had more time with the baby than we did".

Luckily I get on so well with the maternal grandparents and nothing like this happens. 

When I flew up to Qld our son said I should stay at his house, but this was something that I had earlier decided was not on the cards. It's busy enough with a 3 year old tearing around the house, and then bringing home a newborn, as well as having regular visitors. So, I booked into nearby accommodation that was walking distance away. I could be there for as long or as little as I wanted, being able to pick the times when they needed some peace and quiet and just time to themselves. Also, if I feel that I'm crowding someone I get so uptight, so that's less stress for everyone !

I've mentioned in previous posts that when we see kids walking to the classroom each day we cannot always tell how they are feeling just by looking at their expressions. Who knows if they have just had the worst/best morning before coming to school ?

So, if we have some suspicions we cannot just barge in and drill them with questions about how they are feeling. A bit of time and space is needed in order to subtly inquire as to where their mindset is at rather than putting them on the spot and possibly erasing any chance of having a successful interaction.

I hear some of you thinking "Yeah that's okay for you as a teacher, but how does it affect us?"

I'm sure you have seen a colleague at work looking a bit down some days, or not as energetic or cheerful as they normally are. Rather than charging in with "Wow, you look shocking today !", how about a more patient and respectful approach ?

Before barging in with saying this straight away, as it can be confronting for some, how about some gentle small talk to set the tone ? Just like the man I met at the cemetery. He could see that I wasn't in the greatest place, but his calm and measured approach enabled us to talk so well to each other.

Time and space.

If you'd asked me to suggest this 10-15 years ago I would have laughed you off. Men don't talk about this stuff !!! Yeah, right.

For so long we have had this macho image to maintain, that men don't cry, display their emotions or talk about their feelings. I get that this was how things were for so long, but realise now that it is so important to be able to do these things and to be vulnerable.

It's not everyone's cup of tea and takes time to be able to settle into it comfortably, but the statistics don't lie when we hear about suicide and self harm rates. Being able to check in on each other and to openly discuss things and support each other takes courage as it is still something many people have trouble with.

I've been so lucky at my work to have so many male colleagues who are prepared to do this, especially after the events of the past two years. Often the support is greatest at the most innocuous time. I was sitting in my classroom one lunchtime catching up on a few things when a particular colleague came in and sat down and just asked "How are you travelling?" I could have flippantly said "I'm fine", but it was in the way that he entered, sat and then respectfully put the question forward that I knew that he was genuinely concerned about me. Just by being able to respond to him by the way he approached me meant that I was able to talk about some things that were concerning me, and he was able to listen and help. If not for him stopping by I may have suppressed those things for even longer.

Time and Space.

We all know that person who enters a room and is loud, bouncy, always upbeat.

But sometimes this can be a bit of a pain as well. I read a bit lately about being aware of "reading the room", meaning we need to quickly survey the mood of the room or group of people or individuals we are approaching. It need only take a second or two to do this, but can have a huge impact on how we are received or acknowledged.

Just because someone looks downcast doesn't mean that we act all happy and positive around them hoping that they will soon be like us. Just read the room and provide that necessary time and space. Some things just take time.

Well Readers,

After reading back through this I realise it sounds very self indulgent, but after spending much of the holidays in situations where I have noticed the need to give people time and space it has really resonated with me.

I also drove back from Qld, leaving at 6.00 am in the morning and getting home at 12.30 am the next day. 17 and a half hours in the car alone with my thoughts, listening to podcasts about this and generally throwing ideas around my head for this post.

I didn't plan on driving for that long, as I planned to stop overnight somewhere along the way. I was going so well and had a few rest stops for fuel and coffee that I just didn't get tired at all. But the next day...😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 !!!!

I hope that you can all continue to be aware of people around you and know when some need time, others space and some both. I know I need it !!! Plus give yourself the time and space to be who you want to be.

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁