Habits and Crossroads

Hi Readers,

A bit of a mish-mash with this post as I had two different ideas floating about and couldn't decide which one to go with, so have decided to hit them both at the same time.

The habits part really struck me while I was away overseas recently, and upon my return I was wondering why I was feeling so strange about so many things. It wasn't until last night when a friend messaged me and put it to me that perhaps I was just facing a number of crossroads at the moment just as they felt they were.

Sometimes we just don't realise things until someone slaps us in the face with it, and I think that is what happened last night.

First of all, habits.

It took the GPS in my new car to really show me how I have so many habits that I probably wasn't aware of. It also alarmed me a bit that my car could accurately predict where I was probably going at certain times of certain days. 

Big Brother is clearly watching me!!

Back when I was working I'd get in the car at pretty much the same time every morning ( yep, a creature of habit) and each time a display would come up on the screen to suggest the best route to take to school. Usually I just ignore this, but as I've been on Long Service Leave since the end of last year, and it expires soon, I no longer get these alerts as I'm not travelling out that way anymore. It doesn't even give me alternative suggestions as I haven't had any common places that I've travelled to in the past 6 weeks.

The poor old GPS must be stressing out that it doesn't have any suggestions for me at the moment.

However, before my trip it would often suggest going to Lake Weeroona here in Bendigo, as I was usually going up there most mornings to go kayaking. Due to the colder weather and having been away it has stopped giving that suggestion.

But two weeks ago, on a Saturday, at a certain time I jumped in and a specific suggestion came up, one that I pretty much stick with every Saturday afternoon. It must be that I usually do this trip within a certain time frame, because it doesn't give me the suggestion when I hop into the car earlier on a Saturday like I did this morning, or much later on a Saturday afternoon. It doesn't do it on other days, just Saturdays. When I hop in the car later today to go and sit with Jen at the cemetery I'm pretty sure it will suggest that is where I'm going to.

It took me a while to really think about this, and while it can be seen as helpful, it also concerns me somewhat that my car is able to predict my movements over time. I'm sure I could disable it, but as I'm not committing any crimes I see no point in overly worrying about it.

It will be interesting to see what suggestions start surfacing in the coming weeks now that I am home and moving into this retirement gig for sure.

I hope it won't suggest Dan Murphy's or some dodgy food shop!!!

It's only when I sit back and really try to identify many of my habits that I realise how some are already fading in the distance, while other ones are starting to surface.

For instance, when I would get home from school I'd always put my bags in the same spot, put whatever needed to be charged on a charger, then bring in the washing. Next I'd get my clothes ready for the next day, a job I always hated which is why I did it straight away. 

If anyone walked in and saw my clothes for the next day already hanging on the chair ironed they'd think I was suffering from severe OCD. Maybe I was!!

But let me tell you, there are no clothes being hung out the night before anymore, and rarely is something ironed unless I have an important appointment. I still plan ahead what I might be wearing the next day, but as I can just grab it out of the cupboard there is no necessity to be ultra prepared anymore.

Just as my clothes were always ready nearly a day in advance, so too were my meals. When I left the house each morning I always had it in my mind what I'd be eating that night. Ingredients that didn't need to be kept in the fridge were set up on the bench ready for when I got home. That no longer occurs as I can now just do meals on a whim.

I know that being at work took away so much time, which is probably why I was being so organised, but now that I'm time free I still like to be organised and haven't become a sloth. Yet.

It's amazing how changing a habit can also be a little stressful at times.

I have always been an early riser so that I could go for a run (back when I could run 😩) and now running has been replaced with doing rehab work to look after my legs, shoulders and hands after a number of surgeries over recent years. The spare lounge is filled with gym straps of various strengths, and every morning I'm in there without fail. Back when Jen was here I'd be in there at 5.00am and finished by 6.00 am so that I could have a quick shower before Jen got up. 

Even when I was working up to the end of last year I kept this up so that I'd be in the car by 7.00am each day.

Lately however, I have slipped a bit as the cooler mornings have started, and I have tended to stay under the doona a bit longer. Now instead of being finished by 6.00, I might be starting at 6.30, and this messes with me big time as I feel that I have wasted so much of my morning. I have always prided myself on being committed to doing this each morning, and the way that it has slipped a bit lately frustrates me, and it is the fault of no-one but myself. I am more than prepared to address this as soon as possible so that it doesn't become a habit of mine to let it start later and later or, heaven forbid, I start skipping sessions!!!

So Readers, since pulling the plug on work I have noticed quite a number of habits slowly fading away, but just as quickly I am developing new habits to suit my new lifestyle.

A number of people have said to me that they expect our house to become a bit of a mess as they don't think that I'd be able to keep it tidy while I was here all the time and not at work. The same goes for our garden, which Jen always looked after. 

I think that I've always been pretty tidy, and we always shared the cleaning tasks. Now I think I've become a cleanaholic at times, as I just can't stand seeing any little bits of mess anywhere. As soon as I do spy one the vac is out immediately, and don't be surprised to hear that it might come out a few times a day. Dusting has taken some time to endear itself to me, but I recently took steps to tackle this and bought a whizz bang microfibre brush that will help me get on top of this. As I generally keep to certain parts of the house, it annoys the crap out of me when I see dust gathering in other places. I then rub my finger through it and the stripe it leaves stands out more to me than the proverbial!! Then I have to dust EVERYWHERE, not just that spot.

I detest hanging clothes on the line and gathering them in. Now when I collect them they get packed away immediately as I can't cope with washing baskets full of dirty or clean clothes. The same for dishes. If a dish has been used, it gets washed and put away or in the dishwasher straight away. I can't stand things being left out on the sink.

I know some of this sounds OCD as I mentioned earlier, but it all means that I go to bed relaxed and generally wake up not worrying about cleaning up from the day before.

Some of these new habits have been forced, others have just developed naturally.

One habit that took some time to ditch was how I would always get the things ready for Jen's breakfast first thing in the morning so that all she had to do was cook up her eggs on toast and coffee. I'd usually do this without knowing I was doing it, and when I had to stop doing it I did feel a strong sense of guilt for some time, as if I was letting her down in some way.

And can't some habits become so entrenched that we keep doing them purely because it is easier than making changes. For instance, I'd usually just get up and have two bits of toast with the usual spread. Day after day, week after week. Lately I've decided to swap things around and actually prepare something else. The same goes for my night time meals, as for the past 2 and a bit years I have been rotating through the same handful of dishes as they are just easy to do. Throw in a few "Bachelor's Handbags" for variety and my boring diet is there for all to see.

Recently I had a few couples around for dinner, and rather than just cook the standard stir fry, which would have been easy, I went to the set of cook books that Jen had put together that were so healthy, required minimal ingredients, but produced fantastic meals. This is what we would always cook from, and why I haven't been using them was beyond me. Since then I have been back to them so many times. I need to make it a habit to keep using them!! The sticky chicken that I cooked that night went down so well, so I might even cook it up a few more times for myself!!

I could go on and on about which of my habits that are fading and the ones that are developing. But that would be about as interesting as the rest of this post.

What I'd love to put to you is are you aware of the same things happening in your own lives?

Some just occur as our lives change, some are to a degree forced upon us while others we have to really work on in order for them to become a habit. eg Me and dusting the house!!!!

It was only that I realised recently that I wasn't doing some things as much as I used to, and that other things were now taking place more regularly.

In finishing this segment on habits, I might share one that I am actually trying to change into a more positive habit. When caught in traffic I get a potty mouth, often swearing under my breath at nothing in particular. It has only been since I began to realise that I am part of the traffic that me complaining about it was futile. I was complaining about myself!!!

So, now I am making a concerted effort to be more relaxed, let other drivers in when I can and to always acknowledge when others do the same for me. It's not an entrenched habit yet, but if I commit to it then hopefully it will be.

Now for Crossroads.

As I said earlier, this was prompted by some messages I received last night.

While I was overseas I spent a week with family in NYC and was always busy and looking forward to doing things with them.

Then I headed to Europe for a few more weeks where I was always on my own.

This probably gave me too much time to think about too many things, and as a result I really started to question my future. 

I knew that I needed to retire and thought that I had solid plans for what was to come.

I spent the first few weeks of retirement just enjoying what felt like an extended holiday, and just doing the things that I liked when I liked. The weather was great and I was constantly out kayaking and cycling. Also, a lot of time was spent planning and preparing for my overseas trip, plus an obligatory trip to Qld to see family.

While wandering the streets of one of these foreign cities I began to question myself. 

"So what are you going to do after this?"

I was having feelings that I didn't think I wanted to stay in Bendigo anymore, but had no idea as to an alternative. I considered moving back to Ballarat, but after talking this through with someone I realised that it would not be the same Ballarat that we left 26 years ago.

Is there somewhere else I'd consider? Possibly, but what if I got there and realised I'd made a huge mistake. Perhaps I could go there for a short time to see what it was like, but it's still a gamble.

I know that I have my caravan and will be able to get away in it whenever I like, but with upcoming surgery I know that I will be very limited in where and when I'll be able to do this.

The big thing that I had planned to start my retirement with has now been and gone, so that's why I feel like I'm sort of at a crossroads moment right now. 

The real retirement is now beginning, so what does it look like from now on?

For so many years my life has been governed by certainty to a large extent, as I knew where I'd be at any given time due to the structures of work and family.

Now it is an open book, and while the options are endless, the uncertainty is something I'm taking some time to become accustomed to.

You will think I've totally lost it here when I tell you that over the past few nights I have actually been researching the idea of moving overseas indefinitely!!!

Where, I have no idea. When? Just the same. How? Who knows. Just lots of questions to which I have no answers. Realistically, I know it is just a pipedream, but I am looking into it nonetheless.

When I finished work last year I had so many people telling me "You should do this", "You should go here" etc, but me being me, when I cop this advice I generally tend to commit to doing exactly the opposite. How's that for showing gratitude towards others!!!

The same applies when I get the "It's time for you to move on" or "It's about time you got over this". Once again my response is to disregard these comments. It's on these occasions that I feel even more left in the middle of a crossroad, wondering which way to turn.

I also think that as it is coming up to Jen's 3rd anniversary since her passing that my mind is constantly occupied with her loss and what she went through, so now is not the time to make rash decisions.

Readers, I spent most of last year at the crossroads wondering if I should pull the pin on work or not, and I am certain I have made the right decision. Now I am there again and need to consider all the options ahead of me and choose which ones will be the best for me.

Just as I suggested to you earlier about your habits changing, have a think about some of your own crossroad moments. You may not think you have any, but that was me also just a few weeks ago. While I have had many telling me what and when and how I should be doing things, I have also been blessed by a few very close friends who understand what is going on and have been able to offer some of the greatest advice. 

I hope you all have those people in your lives too.

Well Readers,

As I said, this post is a total mish-mash of a number of ideas, and if it reads strangely then I totally get it, as I don't know for sure myself if I have explained myself adequately.

In the meantime, with this glorious weather I'm off to get the van ready for a spur of the moment trip for a few days. Where? I have no idea, but will be good anyway.

Until my next post ( from wherever that may be!)

Cheers 😁