Triggers

Hi Readers,

A bit of a mixed week it seems. When I bought my caravan last year the plan was to travel to places and spend some time each day just pottering around online producing posts without the usual distractions that pop up around home.

Not much of that has happened on any of my trips so far!!

For instance, after getting back from QLD two weeks ago, which was not in the van for reasons which I'll soon explain, I took off in the van at last.

 And that QLD trip was taken just a few days after I returned home from 5 weeks overseas, which you'll see in my last post.

So last week without much thinking, planning or preparation I took off to Port Fairy with the van, Jen's home town and where we were married in 1988 to make use of a previous booking that I had and had to postpone to do my overseas trip.

Clear as mud so far?

Having travelled there so many times beforehand I knew which route to take, but often wondered if it was the best route to take, so went to Apple Maps in the car to see how it would get me there.

In the words of Julia Roberts... BIG MISTAKE!!

For the first part it gave me a reasonable time to get there, but in typical fashion I didn't open up the finer directions, and just relied on the immediate prompts that appeared on the screen. I sort of had an idea where it was taking me so didn't see any reason to be more specific.

Never again!!

It got me to Avoca as expected where I stopped for a sensational sausage roll. This bakery had the standard "Award Winning Pies" sign plastered on the window, but I resisted the temptation to ask what award it was. For all I know it might have been awarded by Dougie and Wazza after a big night at the local pub!!

Anyway, back to Apple maps. I'd missed topping up with diesel at Avoca as local roadworks diverted me away from the local servo. (Overseas Readers, that's our name for a 'Gas Station')

No problem, I'll get some at the next town, and that's where my worries began.

Maps decided to take me down the most obscure roads in Western Victoria, and avoiding going through any towns, At one point I did 10kms down a dirt road!! Many roads were no wider than the proverbial goat track, and just as bumpy. And the looks I got from local farmers as they saw a caravan being driven along their roads! 🤔

They probably thought that the Carny Folk were coming with the next Agricultural Show. 

( Overseas Readers, Carny Folk is the derogative slang that Aussies use to describe workers from travelling fairs)

And all the while I was watching my fuel gauge get lower and lower.

To cut a long story short, and to avoid digressing further from the focus of this post as I tend to do, I eventually made it back onto civilised roads a few km out of Port Fairy and with 65km of diesel left in the tank. It did stress me a bit as I'm someone who rarely lets the level go below half full.

Lesson learnt, and Apple Maps was used on the way home, but by sticking to the highways!!

Once in Port Fairy I set up my van, and as you can see I needn't have worried about finding my spot or parking the van.

Soon after setting up I was on my bike for a quick explore as it was getting late, and it had been years since I was last here.

And this is where the "Triggers" began.

I rode past Jen's house where she grew up and where she first brought me to meet her family. I was somewhat deflated as it had been renovated and built onto quite a lot, and I found myself double checking to see if I had the right place. But the surrounding houses triggered so many memories that I have otherwise never been back to, so I knew I had the right place. It did however trigger so many events, discussions, dinners etc that I was part of in that house that I had not considered or reflected on in more than 30 years. They were so real now, perhaps even stronger due to the fact that I was travelling there without her and she was constantly foremost in my mind.

I won't elaborate on how I lost my dinner in the neighbour's front yard after an over exuberant evening at Maryanne and Damian Carew's wedding back in the 80's, something which Jen was far from pleased about!!!! That was another trigger 🤮

The next day was full of walking and riding around exploring this beautiful town.

Along the river 

Watching the sun rise over Eastern Beach

Along the river 

Along the river 

Along the river 

Eastern Beach

And a real highlight of the trip when I visited Damian "Jack" "Joe" Gleeson in his Star of The West Pub. We trained together as teachers back in the 80's before he followed his spiritual calling and entered the hospitality trade after a few years plying his trade in front of the blackboard. Just like all the other long time friends who I have caught up with in recent weeks after not seeing them for up to 44 years, we just continued on where we had left off, A very special moment.

The next day I was on my bike riding around Port Fairy for two reasons.

1.   I could see more of the town in less time.

2.  Walking is hard for me at the moment, more about that later.

This was where my triggers were going of at a rapid rate. It was the Wild West!!

Upon reflection later, I started to think that maybe was I enabling them or subconsciously encouraging them because of the few quick ones I had on the first day?

Going past Cobb's Bakery turned into a visit for some product. This is an iconic bakery in Port Fairy, made even more famous by the fact that their van does a lap of the Caravan Parks in Summer, and people chase them down much like we would do with the Mr Whippy Van back when we were kids. 

                       25 years later their goods do not disappoint!!

The other triggers that I experienced were so random, and will mean nothing to you but meant so much to me, even bringing a tear at times.

As I rode past a certain motel I caught a glimpse of a room in one corner. Immediately I remembered my mum and dad as they stayed in that room at our wedding. I remember it so clearly because they gave me a hug in the doorway and whispered someting beautiful to me that only I will ever know. I hadn't thought about it in so many years until then.

Then I rode past another motel where my brothers were staying and remember the noise and yahooing coming from there. Once again, well, you know.

Then it was past the Church and I was reliving the posing of photos with family, friends and Jen as if they were yesterday

Readers, I could bang on about every site that triggered my memories of what happened there and who I was with, but there was still more to it.

While walking along the jetty I caught a wiff of the fish and the ocean, and this triggered memories of all the holidays I spent with my family as kid where mum and dad would bundle the 8 kids up in the car and head to Phillip Island. The smells have stayed with me to this day, and suddenly I was reliving so many happy moments from so many trips taken 50 years ago or more. I've not had any real reasons to recall these events in that time, but just a smell on the jetty in Port Fairy triggered them. Let me tell you I think I just sat there for ages just recalling event after event for an hour or so.

Then there are the different trees that line different streets in Port Fairy. Once again, you know what I'll probably say again.

But one particular tree, a pine I think, drops long barky, stemmy sorts of things (you can see I'm not a botanist!)  and this brought back memories of my days at Boarding School when the folks would come down to visit us on a rare weekend and they'd park up in the Pines with so many other families and just spend time with us. I remember vividly how much we looked forward to Family Days, as they only occurred once or twice a school term if my memory serves me correctly. If distance made the hearts grow fonder, these days always reassured how much we loved our parents and vice versa, and those feelings were once again triggered simply by viewing a "barky, stemmy thing" on the streets of Port Fairy.

Now this next trigger will make you think I've completely lost the plot, and I can't help but agree with you. If someone else told me this had happened to them I'd also probably think they need help. I've only told a few people about it, and surprisingly I didn't cop a raised eyebrow from any of them. Maybe they did it after I left!!

When I visited Auschwitz-Birkenau on my recent overseas trip, I did a lot of research about it online to prepare me further for it.

The entrance to Birkenau, a few km's from Auschwitz

Looking back to the entrance, in the area where the prisoners were unloaded from the trains and chosen as to whether they'd be kept to work or sent straight to the gas chambers which were behind me. Women and children were mostly the latter 😔

As we walked through a section of Auschwitz, one could hear a recording of the names of victims being played as went from one section to another. It wasn't loud, but just loud enough to hear and as our group went through that area we all fell silent, mostly out of respect I feel. I noticed other groups do the same.

We then travelled a few km's to Birkenau, where the mass exterminations were carried out. As we walked along the gravel paths alongside the train tracks, it became very solemn, and as I spoke with others later about this we all felt so sad that we were walking the same paths as all these people walked, usually to their deaths. It triggered feelings of utter disbelief, sadness, horror, you name it.

Now the part that I don't expect you to understand.

It was a very bleak day, snow flurries and a steady wind. As we walked along the path I stopped for a moment as I believed I was hearing something similar to the names being read out at Auschwitz. At first I thought I was hearing things, as I have dodgy hearing and wear hearing aids, so thought this was the reason behind it.

I stopped for maybe a minute, constantly changing direction to make sure I was sure about what I thought I was hearing. Two people who were near me asked what was I doing and I replied "Can you hear it?"

"Hear what?" they said

"The screams". I was convinced that there must have been a recording of screams being played across this area, much like the reading of names that were definitely being played at Auschwitz.. As expected, they looked at me strangely and said they couldn't hear a thing, which I totally expected. I only told them what I thought I was hearing as I checked and checked and checked to be sure, as at that time I was convinced I could hear the sounds of people screaming. I was even turning around to try and locate where the sounds were being played from. No luck. Maybe it was the wind playing tricks with my hearing. Maybe it was my mind playing games after all the research I had been doing, and I just related the noise of the wind to the noises that I imagined were there. Who knows, but at that time it was 100% real to me as we were thinking of ourselves retracing the footsteps of so many poor souls.

A trigger that wasn't so good for me, and has continued to trouble me since visiting Birkenau.

Sorry to build up to such a bleak trigger Readers, and I have no worries whatsoever if you feel I've gone around the bend. That's your right and I thought long and hard before sharing it, but this event and a few others lately have only further encouraged me to try and be strong enough to be comfortable with vulnerability.

So what triggers have you had? Did you realise that these could have been triggers at the time? In previous posts I have mentioned that when we remember one moment from the past, it often makes us remember other moments that happened at the same time that we might otherwise never have reasons to recall.

I hope that this post encourages you to be aware of them and take the time to stop and think more about the time and place of that event. I'm also acutely aware that they may bring a tide of emotions depending on what he trigger was.

Triggers.

Finally, and this is not a trigger, although when giving information about many of my previous operations over the years it did trigger so many things that I'd completely forgotten about, I'm back in my home away from home it seems.

Before Jen passed away (coming up to 3 years very soon 😔) she made me promise to "Get my bits fixed" as I was carrying a few niggling injuries. Most have been my own fault due to sporting injuries, careless accidents and over indulgence in trying to stay fit.

My choices, my fault, I accept it.

I'm back in hospital.

I was determined to stay out of hospital after 4-5 stints in 2022-23 getting fingers, ankle and a shoulder done.

Last year was NOT MY FAULT when appendicitis came to visit, so I'm not claiming that one !!!!

And this latest one is in the NOT MY FAULT category too. Or maybe Jen could argue that all the running I used to do might have been a contributing factor. Given how much I respect her opinion maybe I'm just kidding myself!

Late last year I was having loads of pain in my "good" ankle, not the one I had fused two years ago. I had a shadow show up in my ankle during a scan and was advised that it needed further exploration. Before my overseas trip I saw the surgeon and it was decided that surgery would be needed soon.

That's why I shot overseas, bolted up to QLD, then down to Port Fairy in quick succession. No sooner did I set up camp in Port Fairy that I was contacted by the surgeon that the operation will be done the following week. 

Do you reckon that put the cat among the pigeons!!

All I could think of was all the things I needed to get done at home before I became the Peg Leg Pirate!!!

Gardening and trips to the tip.

Cleaning out shed.

Shopping.

Fixing the broken tap in the yard. 

Repairing puncture on my road bike.

Covering the caravan and cleaning it out.

Stocking the cupboards and fridge.

Etc.

Loads of menial tasks that usually mean nothing, but had suddenly become important.

So I stayed in Port Fairy for a few days then bolted home and managed to get just about everything done. 

If I have missed something then it's too late because it's 2.00 in the morning and I'm sitting up in my bed in hospital after a lengthy operation this morning that uncovered a bit more than expected. Just can't sleep at all due to the shoulder I hurt when I came off a bike last year giving me grief. It got scanned last night, revealing a problem that might need another operation on it. Ho Hum!!

I know I'll have plenty of time to sleep in the coming weeks for sure.

When I came out of surgery I woke to find that not only was my ankle in a cast, but my knee is also bandaged as they said they may need to use it as part of a bone graft, which I'm assuming they did. At the moment they have inserted a blocker which deadens the whole leg, and I have no control or feeling with it at all. When the nurse washed it earlier and lifted it, it felt like I was watching someone move the leg of another person.

So as I said earlier I'm claiming that this one is not my fault because something actually grew and developed in my ankle, so that's not my fault. In the eyes of most however, you could say that I'm clutching at straws!!

Well Readers,

A lengthy and varied post involving triggers, travel, vulnerability, emotions, lack of proof reading, nostalgia and goodness knows what else.

I'm doing anything to try and stave off sleep so that I can enjoy it when it comes. 

Also, i'm sure as I'll have so much time on my hands in the coming weeks I maight be able to pump out the posts.

You have been warned!! 🤣

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁