Kindness

Hi Readers,

A post I'd been thinking about for a while, but as usual was just waiting for something to kick start me into writing it. Last Friday there was a bit in the news, then a number of actual examples that happened to me that got me motivated to put my thoughts down.

First of all, the news reports.

One thing that always bugged me as a teacher, and still bugs me 6 months into retirement is when society gets hold of something that needs addressing and says "Schools should be doing something about this". Are schools the panacea for everything that needs fixing?

Some common examples are:

_ Schools should be teaching all kids to swim

_ Schools should be teaching all kids to ride bikes and road safety

_ Schools need to stop bullying

_ Schools need to teach kids about finance/banking/shopping etc

_ Schools need to teach kids how to cook

_ Schools need to teach kids how to drive

_ Schools need to teach housework skills

_ Schools should be teaching our kids about cyber safety

 And the list just goes on.

I'm not denying that schools need to teach so many things, but in the list above there are so many things there that also are the responsibility of families.

Before anyone jumps out of their chair and comes thumping at my door to take me to task, I also understand the reasons why people might be thinking that schools need to do these things, and why families might struggle with them, although I personally might disagree with them to some extent.

In all my years of teaching, we always took the kids for swimming lessons. At the most, they would attend 6-8 lessons that were spread over consecutive days at some schools, or once a week at other schools. I'd be hard pressed to find many non-swimmers become swimmers in that time frame, and we would still have parents having a crack at us over this. As a parent myself I know that our boys only learnt to swim after attending regular lessons over a much longer period of time. We took on the responsibility as we were able to, and I know that many families are not in this situation which is unfortunate for them.

I'm yet to see any evidence that the short swimming programs conducted by schools actually teach the kids to swim. Create greater water safety skills, yes. Maybe refine already developed skills, yes. But create a swimmer in that short time, I don't think so, and this is where much of the confusion lies.

Similarly with learning to ride bikes and road safety. We once did "Bike Ed", but this was usually done in the confines of the school yard.

Cooking always gets a gig at some stage, but is usually limited to simple cakes or biscuits as we can't really use hot implements and ovens with the kids.

In recent years a parent asked me to sort out some problems her child was having online with another child. This made me lose the plot, as it was all happening after school in their homes and on their devices. It was only because the kids went to the school I was teaching at that I was asked to intervene, which I didn't, as it was the first day of school holidays!!

Saying that "Schools should be teaching this" sounds well and good, but often the practicalities aren't really considered carefully enough.

And just trying to teach our core subjects adequately enough is a challenge at the best of times, and when results come out in the press saying that our schools are failing us, everyone is pointing the finger. Then they want the schools to take on yet even more.

That brings me to what was a major news item last Friday. Bulletins were loaded with stories that "Schools need to be teaching more about Kindness".

I'll admit now that whenever I hear a sentence that starts with "Schools need to teach..." my hair (or what's left of it) stands up!!

Over the last few years of my teaching career we would devote time to teaching about social skills in specific lessons, but often these stand alone lessons do not address a specific need. They are very useful, don't get me wrong, but are often not personal enough for the kids.

To explain this further, just stay with me for a bit.

I tended to find that some social skills were better taught when there was a need or an example that the kids could relate to. Something may have just happened that provided a perfect opportunity to teach about it.

Yes, we would teach about ways to handle bullying, but these lessons tended to be more effective when the kids could relate to a specific example that may have happened with themselves or others, rather than a fictitious example from a text.

Or it could be as simple as highlighting when someone has done a kind act for someone else, such as opening a door, making a space for them on the floor, or including them in a game.

These are real life, real time instances that the kids can relate to more readily as they have seen them happen and know the people involved. They might only take 10 seconds to address, but leave a memory that could be long lasting and turn into further actions.

So why should it be the schools to teach this? 

Any family knows that siblings are not always "lovey dovey", and clashes occur. That's life.

But they are also teaching moments for families, rather than waiting for schools to teach about kindness and hope that it transpires back at home.

Over the years I have had parents complain about what their kids do at home, and that as a school we need to be teaching them how to be nicer at home. We can teach about being kind to others, but for me, what happens at home is the responsibility of the parents.

Yes, we can offer ideas, but too often I was seeing the responsibility of home behaviours being seen as the responsibility of the school.

By now I have probably alienated many of you, but that has not been my intention.

I'm just trying to suggest that the teaching of kindness is not like a subject, and is primarily the role of families where possible. (I'm taking into account that there are also families that might be dysfunctional, and that kindness is not demonstrated or experienced)

Tolstoy put it simply.

"Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness"

This highlights the need for consistent and ongoing kindness, rather than just isolated acts. This is why I get challenged by calls for schools to be doing more about it, when it is something that needs to be looked at all the time, at home and at school.

By all of us.

The quote also suggests that kindness is not limited to just personal relationships, but can be extended to everyone.

So instead of sending kids to school and hoping that they learn to be kind, perhaps there is nothing wrong with displaying it ourselves whenever we can so that it is more realistic for the kids, rather than them just seeing it as "a school thing".

My experiences with the kids were that modelling always had a greater impact than a formal lesson when it came to things like this.

If I saw kindness being displayed, I'd highlight it at the time so that they could see it for themselves. The spin off usually was that many of them would pick up that behaviour too.

By now you can be forgiven for thinking that I'm sitting cross legged on the floor, wearing a kaftan and burning incense as I pontificate about being kind.

Well, I can't cross my legs for a start due to their current condition!!!😖

Even I think I should be sitting in a cave somewhere chanting !!

But a few experiences lately happened at the right time as this news article hit the airwaves.

Firstly, I recently put my motorbike up for sale (reluctantly) as due to my body problems I don't think that I can ride it safely anymore, and our boys don't need to lose another parent due to being pig headed and expecting that I can still ride it.

I suddenly got a buyer for it and needed to get a Roadworthy Certificate (RWC) in order to sell it. Usually these can only be booked in advance, but by a stroke of luck I went to a nearby mechanic who, after hearing my story, said he'd do it the very next day.

There was one slight little problem that had the potential to delay it, but this bloke went way beyond what I would have expected to get it done in time for me. And at no time did he say that it was a problem, he was just so nice, cheerful and friendly about it, even when he didn't need to be. Maybe being on crutches helped!!

Due to the fact that he was just so kind and welcoming, on top of the amount owing for the RWC I gave him a 6 pack of beers just as a gesture of thanks for the way he looked after me. Just paying the amount owing didn't seem enough in my book. The gratitude I received was humbling, but beautiful, and I didn't give him the cans in order for this. It was because I wanted him to know how much his kindness was valued.

When he told me how many times he gets abused by impatient customers, I felt he deserved this even more, as he just refuses to react badly back to them.

As I walked out he was serving another customer, and I could hear and see how kindly he was treating this customer, and it just made me smile.

This was an example of someone acting out what Tolstoy was banging on about, and I bet he didn't learn this just from being taught about it at school.

Kindness.

As some of you might know, I have been laid up for the past four weeks ( and many more to come) and have been the recipient of more kindness than I can imagine. I'm not surprised by the way, as these people have hearts of gold.

In order to get my RWC last Friday, I needed to find someone who had a motorbike license, and who also happened to be available. Step in one of our closest friends who didn't even hesitate to help. For all I know he might have had much more important things to do, but he just stepped up without hesitation. He didn't learn to do that at school, and he and his wife, as well as the rest of his family are living examples of kindness. I have no doubt that the way their kids are is because of what they have learnt from their parents.

Then there are the other close friends who have popped around to look after the garden while I have been away, and ask for nothing in return. They do it for no other reason than as an act of kindness. These same people are always onto me to know when I need transportation to or from hospital, or to appointments. Because I get pig headed and stubborn, they will more often than not just tell me what is going to happen, rather than ask if they can do it ! I love them. And recently, this same friend came around to check on me, and without asking just went straight to my fridge and put various food items in there, not needing to ask permission at all as she knew I would lose the argument.

And her lasagna is THE BEST EVER!!!!!!!a

I'm just waiting patiently for the chance to pay it back.

This morning I get a text from another dear friend to say that some snacks would be dropped at my front door. When I heard the door alarm go off (it's motion activated) I bolted for the door as fast as I could go on my crutches before she could run off. For someone to be so kind to do that, I had to offer a cuppa at least, and we had a great catch up for an hour or so. Genuine kindness.

Last Friday I had another visit from some dear friends from our days when we lived in Ballarat. We taught together, and as we started our families we were part of a very close family group. We haven't seen each other for some time, but I've been finding lately with all the friends I've been so lucky to catch up with recently, we just continue on from where we left off. Like many others, they just went to my fridge and loaded it up.

Rather than try and stop people from being so kind in this way and telling them I don't need it ( when in reality, I probably do) I have learnt that it is far better to be appreciative of their kindness rather than try to dismiss it, because I want them to know that I am extremely grateful for their kindness. I still feel guilty being the recipient, but if I was in their shoes I'd probably be doing the same thing.

And now the best for last!

 I was at a friend's house on Friday, and they just happened to be looking after one of their grandkids, a beautiful 3 year old boy. As he became more familiar with me, he asked to show me his room that he had in the house, so I followed behind, all the while he was looking sideways at this weird guy with the funny steel legs!

Then he had to show me the cubby house that his Gran had made in the lounge room.

"Can I go in it ?" I asked.

"No. You're not Gran" was his basic reply, clearly putting me in my place.

A little while later while we were all in the kitchen chatting, he was eating cut up orange and kiwi fruit from a bowl and all of a sudden came up to me and offered a piece of orange. "Would you like some Bernie?" in his own little way.

Of course I said yes, ate it and said how beautiful it was.

This was the moment that just exemplifies how kindness is taught by how we live, all that we do, and how we treat others, and this little man has it in spades. 

I'm sure that by the time he starts school, he'll know how to treat others with kindness as he is already doing it now. 

If I was still teaching, rather than use a pre-planned example of kindness from a text, I'd be using this example of what genuine kindness is all about.

A 3 year old teaching a 61 year old, we're never too old to learn.

Well Readers, I hope I haven't sounded like the preacher from a secret cult, or someone who has been eating the wrong mushrooms ( not those ones, if you know what I mean Victorians!!), but I just wanted to get off my chest how annoyed I get when schools are told they should be teaching this or that, when much of it starts at home.

I am just so blessed with how much kindness I have been the recipient of over the past 4 weeks, but even more for the past 3 years when our lives were changed forever. I still can't shake the guilt of being afforded it, but I am eternally grateful.

A bit of a rant at the start, but I've calmed down now!!!!

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁