Recovery

Hi Readers,

I was just looking back at my last post and am beginning to think I may have still been under the effect of medications while I was in hospital, because there are some parts that I don't really remember writing. There's a lesson to be learned there for sure!!

After a couple of days in hospital getting the ankle done, everything is now focused on the recovery. But that got me thinking about a focus for this post, and when I think about recovery, I'm not just thinking about getting better after surgery.

Recovery comes in all shapes and forms, and I want to explore the different things that we may all be recovering from, and how we do it.

In my last post I mentioned that they had given me a blocker that basically made it feel that my leg wasn't mine. No matter what I told it to do, it did nothing. No feeling at all, not being able to wiggle my toes or even move it. It was the weirdest sensation, and as I said, when the nurse lifted it I was watching her and thinking "That's someone else's leg".

Well, over the course of yesterday the blocker started to wear off, and boy do I wish I had it back at the moment. With feeling coming back I can now feel the associated pain despite the amount of pain killers available. Last night for example was a shocker as the last remnants of the blocker wore off. I'm not complaining for a second as I knew this was what was going to occur, but the pain last night was next level. 

When the surgeon showed me an x-ray of what was done I could see why I was in so much pain and what he meant when he said it was a bit more complicated than originally expected.

This is a view looking front on to the ankle, showing the screws holding the grafted bone piece and the plate down the side. The bone had to be cut to get access to the growth that was removed. I'm in total awe at the skill of our doctors.

So for the next 6 weeks I'm basically sitting at home with no weight on the leg at all, then another 6 weeks of gradually getting weight on it. Luckily I have retired so I'm not stressing about missing work or falling behind. I was also lucky that I crammed in so much travel in the past 8 weeks, something that I can hopefully get back into once I am more mobile. The main thing is that I don't want to stuff up the work that has been done as I'd hate to do it all again.

And some of the best advice came from one of my brothers who also has a positive approach towards recovery as he has been in a similar boat.

"Stay away from magnets!!"

I could only laugh.😆

So that's just a snapshot of the physical recovery that I am facing.

What else might we be recovering from? Short term AND long term?

To start off in a rather light hearted manner, I'm still recovering from the recent golden era that was produced by the Richmond Football Club from 2017-20 where they won 3 Premierships in 4 years. After 37 years in the wilderness before this they were perennial cellar dwellers, or just missing out on making the finals and becoming the laughing stock for so many rival supporters. Just as quickly as they rose to become Premiers, they have dropped back to the bottom again. I can only hope that the recovery at Richmond is not a long one, but I can still bask in the sunshine recalling all the joy that the team brought to its supporters during those years.

The next type of recovery is a bit different.

As you might recall if you are a regular reader, I retired at the end of last year after a 38 year teaching career. I have never been one to seek out attention, and if anything, I try to avoid it. Even having to stand in front of others when they sing Happy Birthday at work is something I'd always try to avoid, and I always feel uncomfortable when receiving praise or being acknowledged.

At the end of last year there were a number of occasions where people ever so kindly acknowledged me for my teaching career, but I never feel comfortable being a part of this. I'm more than happy to contribute if it is for someone else, but when it's me, I'd rather not worry about it. 

Please do not think for a second though that I am not grateful for these acknowledgements, far from it. I just find it difficult being the focus. So, after the number of occasions where this happened late last year I now feel that I have recovered from the anxiety that it brought to me, but I am still affirmed by what so many people shared with me and about me. 

Like me, you have probably had a major disagreement with someone. A work colleague. A parent. A sibling. A partner.

Often the closer that person is to us, the more severe and intense the disagreement. 

But how good does it feel when the apology is offered or given, or the situation is resolved, or the both of you just suck it up and get back on as you always have. 

I just loved that feeling of making up, admitting one's fault and just reigniting what was most likely a great relationship. 

I recall if Jen and I had a blue, often neither of us would admit fault and just sulk around the place for a day or so hoping that the other would fess up first and apologise. When this didn't happen it would often be resolved just by us embracing in a warm hug, a kiss and just saying 'Sorry' without needing to go back into what caused the blue in the first place. Most likely something so minor and pathetic but both of us were too stubborn to give ground. Usually me!!!

That warm fuzzy feeling of making up was always so good, and we were so lucky that the longer we were married, the less it happened. I honestly can't remember our last disagreement because we always made up so quickly. We'd obviously worked out a way to recover quickly from these little setbacks.

You might recall from my last post that I mentioned how we encounter different triggers from time to time that make us recall things that we may not have thought about for years. Well, that's how it is for me.

Sometimes though, these triggers make me recall things that have happened in my life that I wish never happened, and in a way they feel unresolved and just festering in the background, meaning I haven't fully recovered from them.

For instance, when I was at Boarding School many of us turned on a particular student for no particular reason and made his life a misery. Actually, there was no reason for this at all. Bullying is constantly in the news at the moment, and what we did to this person was bullying to the extreme. 

A few years ago we had a reunion and we knew this person was coming too. How brave.

A couple of us spoke about how bad we were to him, and how gutsy it was for him to still come. Clearly we were feeling the guilt of our own appalling behaviour in our late teens and were nervous as to how he would receive us. To his utter credit he walked in and greeted everyone so warmly, and received the same back. For many of us our guilt was very evident and who knows what damage we did to this poor person and what he carried with him in the years after leaving school. We were so fortunate to be able to discuss this among ourselves, something that males in particular are continually being encouraged to do and it has brought us all even closer as we get older. Many of us mentioned that we had been carrying guilt over our treatment towards him for many years, so perhaps this greater opportunity to speak openly with each other was a type of recovery for us. And to his credit, he is still maintaining contact with us all since then, something that he just didn't have to do after what we put him through. I hope he recovered from what we did to him.

Respect to him.

This next type of recovery is still very pertinent to me right now as it is also related to my latest hospital experience, but has nothing to do with my ankle and knee that are giving me so much grief at the moment.

I'm recovering from the absolute kindness that I was the recipient of during my hospital stay. From the moment that I walked into the reception on an extremely cold morning, the young man on the desk was just so welcoming in the way that he acknowledged me as I presented myself to him.

In so many shops and businesses our interactions can tend to be very robotic, to the point where one wonders if they should even bother trying to interact with the other person. Often when I encounter these people I just try even harder to get a response from them, or a smile. No harm in trying, but when I leave they are probably thinking "What was it with that creepy old guy?"

No sooner was I greeted so warmly by the reception guy, two lovely older ladies who were volunteers at the hospital came over and introduced themselves and asked if I needed any help, or could they carry my bag and crutches. I kindly declined, as they looked like they needed the crutches more than I did, and chatted with them as they took me up to where I would be admitted. They were lovely!!!

I kid you not Readers, it just kept getting better!!!

My next interaction was with a male nurse who did my admission form, asking all the questions etc. Pretty soon we were talking about other things and I found out that he was a runner who had just completed the Great Ocean Road Marathon over the weekend, a run that I would have loved to do if only I could still run. The next ten minutes was full of exuberant marathon stories and experiences, I was in heaven!! Any nervousness I was having about the upcoming operation was evaporating by the minute.

This nurse couldn't have done any more for me than what he did on Tuesday morning, and it just wasn't WHAT he did, but the manner in which he did it. Just so warm and friendly, jovial and ever so cheerful. Who knows, he may have been feeling crappy inside about something else, but he was doing everything possible to make my day better. And it becomes infectious.

Into the gown and onto the bed in the waiting room. Another nurse comes in and collects details, and yet even more of the unbelievable kindness and friendliness that has been displayed by everyone I'd dealt with already.

Then the anaesthetist comes in, a man who I knew well as I taught two of his sons many years ago at a different school in Bendigo. Lots of laughs as he recalled all the stupid things I'd done with his boys and how I made one of them become a Richmond supporter!! He had told lots of the other nurses this story and when they spoke with me they'd always mention it. But not only did we share lots of laughs, he was also so sincere in the way he acknowledged the things that have happened in recent years in my own life. This person sure knows how to treat people.

Into theatre and yes Readers, the love was everywhere again!!

Lots of banter and chatter from the staff who did everything to put me at ease.

And then that beautiful moment as the medicine starts to kick in, I just love that drifting away into sleep. I always see if I can fight it, no luck yet. How good would it be if we went to sleep like that every night...I'd never get out of bed!!

The next day and a bit was spent in bed with a leg that didn't belong to me, and the three different nurses who cared for me could not be held in higher esteem. The care they gave was exceptional and we all had so many laughs. Nothing was ever too much trouble and I was so touched when one of them came back when I was leaving just to wish me all the best.

So what has this to do with recovery?

I'm actually recovering from the explosion of kindness that I was subjected to from absolutely everyone who I encountered at St John of God Hospital here in Bendigo. There were others too. The Pharmacist, the Physio, the OT. Even the cleaners and the catering staff were the same. 

And how could I not forget to mention the utterly fantastic nurse (name withheld) who was as exuberant, bubbly and cheerful as the scrubs she was wearing yesterday and today. She was a ray of light when I was feeling the worst last night. Thank you 🙏

I had a visit from a friend who is part of the Leadership at the hospital and made it known to him how impressed I was with everyone and I could see that he was chuffed as they work on it.

There was no way that I could even consider complaining about something such was the way they treated me. Sure, the brekky order was missing stuff and another order was mixed up, but there was no way I was going to make a fuss as they happily sorted it out when I mentioned it.

My physical recovery has been enhanced by the way I was treated, and I'm still recovering from how blown away I've been by this experience.

What a great thing to have to recover from!!!

So what do I take from this experience?

Try to be like them. The way that they treated me left such a lasting impression, so why shouldn't I try and make others feel the same when they deal with me. If I can make someone feel the way that these people made me feel then I'd call that a great day.

Many of the things I'm recovering from are governed by time and space, such as the timelines I've been given for my ankle and knee.

But there are others where the recovery has been slow and painful, and the loss of Jen is foremost here. Some days I feel that I'm making good progress, others I feel totally lost. I was speaking to the nurse in the bright scrubs about this and I said that I was probably coping better when I was working as my mind was preoccupied with lots of other things. But now I have more time to think about other things, and more time on my hands, I'm finding that I'm struggling with her loss more now than previously, because this is the time when we were meant to be doing all these things together. 

It's just another approach to recovery that I'll work out as things bubble along I guess.

So Readers,

Recovery has so many different shapes and forms. I had a wild thought just now that I should go and do some totally random things tomorrow, until my brain clicked in and reminded me that I'm going nowhere for some time!!!

One thing I've noticed though is that recovery involves commitment and dedication towards the outcome that you want. I've always been pretty good at doing that with my injuries, I just need to work on the headspace a bit more. Just knowing that you need to do this is a step forward I feel, next is identifying what it actually looks like.

In finishing, have you ever considered what you could be or might be recovering from? Were you aware of it, or only realised it after responding to a trigger or seeing it in someone else? More importantly , do you need help with it?

I'm blessed with so many people to chat through things with. Years ago I would never have raised certain things, but events of recent years have meant that I no longer worry what people think about what I say or write about, as long as it is appropriate of course!!

Good luck in whatever you may be recovering from!

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 Triggers

Hi Readers,

A bit of a mixed week it seems. When I bought my caravan last year the plan was to travel to places and spend some time each day just pottering around online producing posts without the usual distractions that pop up around home.

Not much of that has happened on any of my trips so far!!

For instance, after getting back from QLD two weeks ago, which was not in the van for reasons which I'll soon explain, I took off in the van at last.

 And that QLD trip was taken just a few days after I returned home from 5 weeks overseas, which you'll see in my last post.

So last week without much thinking, planning or preparation I took off to Port Fairy with the van, Jen's home town and where we were married in 1988 to make use of a previous booking that I had and had to postpone to do my overseas trip.

Clear as mud so far?

Having travelled there so many times beforehand I knew which route to take, but often wondered if it was the best route to take, so went to Apple Maps in the car to see how it would get me there.

In the words of Julia Roberts... BIG MISTAKE!!

For the first part it gave me a reasonable time to get there, but in typical fashion I didn't open up the finer directions, and just relied on the immediate prompts that appeared on the screen. I sort of had an idea where it was taking me so didn't see any reason to be more specific.

Never again!!

It got me to Avoca as expected where I stopped for a sensational sausage roll. This bakery had the standard "Award Winning Pies" sign plastered on the window, but I resisted the temptation to ask what award it was. For all I know it might have been awarded by Dougie and Wazza after a big night at the local pub!!

Anyway, back to Apple maps. I'd missed topping up with diesel at Avoca as local roadworks diverted me away from the local servo. (Overseas Readers, that's our name for a 'Gas Station')

No problem, I'll get some at the next town, and that's where my worries began.

Maps decided to take me down the most obscure roads in Western Victoria, and avoiding going through any towns, At one point I did 10kms down a dirt road!! Many roads were no wider than the proverbial goat track, and just as bumpy. And the looks I got from local farmers as they saw a caravan being driven along their roads! 🤔

They probably thought that the Carny Folk were coming with the next Agricultural Show. 

( Overseas Readers, Carny Folk is the derogative slang that Aussies use to describe workers from travelling fairs)

And all the while I was watching my fuel gauge get lower and lower.

To cut a long story short, and to avoid digressing further from the focus of this post as I tend to do, I eventually made it back onto civilised roads a few km out of Port Fairy and with 65km of diesel left in the tank. It did stress me a bit as I'm someone who rarely lets the level go below half full.

Lesson learnt, and Apple Maps was used on the way home, but by sticking to the highways!!

Once in Port Fairy I set up my van, and as you can see I needn't have worried about finding my spot or parking the van.

Soon after setting up I was on my bike for a quick explore as it was getting late, and it had been years since I was last here.

And this is where the "Triggers" began.

I rode past Jen's house where she grew up and where she first brought me to meet her family. I was somewhat deflated as it had been renovated and built onto quite a lot, and I found myself double checking to see if I had the right place. But the surrounding houses triggered so many memories that I have otherwise never been back to, so I knew I had the right place. It did however trigger so many events, discussions, dinners etc that I was part of in that house that I had not considered or reflected on in more than 30 years. They were so real now, perhaps even stronger due to the fact that I was travelling there without her and she was constantly foremost in my mind.

I won't elaborate on how I lost my dinner in the neighbour's front yard after an over exuberant evening at Maryanne and Damian Carew's wedding back in the 80's, something which Jen was far from pleased about!!!! That was another trigger 🤮

The next day was full of walking and riding around exploring this beautiful town.

Along the river 

Watching the sun rise over Eastern Beach

Along the river 

Along the river 

Along the river 

Eastern Beach

And a real highlight of the trip when I visited Damian "Jack" "Joe" Gleeson in his Star of The West Pub. We trained together as teachers back in the 80's before he followed his spiritual calling and entered the hospitality trade after a few years plying his trade in front of the blackboard. Just like all the other long time friends who I have caught up with in recent weeks after not seeing them for up to 44 years, we just continued on where we had left off, A very special moment.

The next day I was on my bike riding around Port Fairy for two reasons.

1.   I could see more of the town in less time.

2.  Walking is hard for me at the moment, more about that later.

This was where my triggers were going of at a rapid rate. It was the Wild West!!

Upon reflection later, I started to think that maybe was I enabling them or subconsciously encouraging them because of the few quick ones I had on the first day?

Going past Cobb's Bakery turned into a visit for some product. This is an iconic bakery in Port Fairy, made even more famous by the fact that their van does a lap of the Caravan Parks in Summer, and people chase them down much like we would do with the Mr Whippy Van back when we were kids. 

                       25 years later their goods do not disappoint!!

The other triggers that I experienced were so random, and will mean nothing to you but meant so much to me, even bringing a tear at times.

As I rode past a certain motel I caught a glimpse of a room in one corner. Immediately I remembered my mum and dad as they stayed in that room at our wedding. I remember it so clearly because they gave me a hug in the doorway and whispered someting beautiful to me that only I will ever know. I hadn't thought about it in so many years until then.

Then I rode past another motel where my brothers were staying and remember the noise and yahooing coming from there. Once again, well, you know.

Then it was past the Church and I was reliving the posing of photos with family, friends and Jen as if they were yesterday

Readers, I could bang on about every site that triggered my memories of what happened there and who I was with, but there was still more to it.

While walking along the jetty I caught a wiff of the fish and the ocean, and this triggered memories of all the holidays I spent with my family as kid where mum and dad would bundle the 8 kids up in the car and head to Phillip Island. The smells have stayed with me to this day, and suddenly I was reliving so many happy moments from so many trips taken 50 years ago or more. I've not had any real reasons to recall these events in that time, but just a smell on the jetty in Port Fairy triggered them. Let me tell you I think I just sat there for ages just recalling event after event for an hour or so.

Then there are the different trees that line different streets in Port Fairy. Once again, you know what I'll probably say again.

But one particular tree, a pine I think, drops long barky, stemmy sorts of things (you can see I'm not a botanist!)  and this brought back memories of my days at Boarding School when the folks would come down to visit us on a rare weekend and they'd park up in the Pines with so many other families and just spend time with us. I remember vividly how much we looked forward to Family Days, as they only occurred once or twice a school term if my memory serves me correctly. If distance made the hearts grow fonder, these days always reassured how much we loved our parents and vice versa, and those feelings were once again triggered simply by viewing a "barky, stemmy thing" on the streets of Port Fairy.

Now this next trigger will make you think I've completely lost the plot, and I can't help but agree with you. If someone else told me this had happened to them I'd also probably think they need help. I've only told a few people about it, and surprisingly I didn't cop a raised eyebrow from any of them. Maybe they did it after I left!!

When I visited Auschwitz-Birkenau on my recent overseas trip, I did a lot of research about it online to prepare me further for it.

The entrance to Birkenau, a few km's from Auschwitz

Looking back to the entrance, in the area where the prisoners were unloaded from the trains and chosen as to whether they'd be kept to work or sent straight to the gas chambers which were behind me. Women and children were mostly the latter 😔

As we walked through a section of Auschwitz, one could hear a recording of the names of victims being played as went from one section to another. It wasn't loud, but just loud enough to hear and as our group went through that area we all fell silent, mostly out of respect I feel. I noticed other groups do the same.

We then travelled a few km's to Birkenau, where the mass exterminations were carried out. As we walked along the gravel paths alongside the train tracks, it became very solemn, and as I spoke with others later about this we all felt so sad that we were walking the same paths as all these people walked, usually to their deaths. It triggered feelings of utter disbelief, sadness, horror, you name it.

Now the part that I don't expect you to understand.

It was a very bleak day, snow flurries and a steady wind. As we walked along the path I stopped for a moment as I believed I was hearing something similar to the names being read out at Auschwitz. At first I thought I was hearing things, as I have dodgy hearing and wear hearing aids, so thought this was the reason behind it.

I stopped for maybe a minute, constantly changing direction to make sure I was sure about what I thought I was hearing. Two people who were near me asked what was I doing and I replied "Can you hear it?"

"Hear what?" they said

"The screams". I was convinced that there must have been a recording of screams being played across this area, much like the reading of names that were definitely being played at Auschwitz.. As expected, they looked at me strangely and said they couldn't hear a thing, which I totally expected. I only told them what I thought I was hearing as I checked and checked and checked to be sure, as at that time I was convinced I could hear the sounds of people screaming. I was even turning around to try and locate where the sounds were being played from. No luck. Maybe it was the wind playing tricks with my hearing. Maybe it was my mind playing games after all the research I had been doing, and I just related the noise of the wind to the noises that I imagined were there. Who knows, but at that time it was 100% real to me as we were thinking of ourselves retracing the footsteps of so many poor souls.

A trigger that wasn't so good for me, and has continued to trouble me since visiting Birkenau.

Sorry to build up to such a bleak trigger Readers, and I have no worries whatsoever if you feel I've gone around the bend. That's your right and I thought long and hard before sharing it, but this event and a few others lately have only further encouraged me to try and be strong enough to be comfortable with vulnerability.

So what triggers have you had? Did you realise that these could have been triggers at the time? In previous posts I have mentioned that when we remember one moment from the past, it often makes us remember other moments that happened at the same time that we might otherwise never have reasons to recall.

I hope that this post encourages you to be aware of them and take the time to stop and think more about the time and place of that event. I'm also acutely aware that they may bring a tide of emotions depending on what he trigger was.

Triggers.

Finally, and this is not a trigger, although when giving information about many of my previous operations over the years it did trigger so many things that I'd completely forgotten about, I'm back in my home away from home it seems.

Before Jen passed away (coming up to 3 years very soon 😔) she made me promise to "Get my bits fixed" as I was carrying a few niggling injuries. Most have been my own fault due to sporting injuries, careless accidents and over indulgence in trying to stay fit.

My choices, my fault, I accept it.

I'm back in hospital.

I was determined to stay out of hospital after 4-5 stints in 2022-23 getting fingers, ankle and a shoulder done.

Last year was NOT MY FAULT when appendicitis came to visit, so I'm not claiming that one !!!!

And this latest one is in the NOT MY FAULT category too. Or maybe Jen could argue that all the running I used to do might have been a contributing factor. Given how much I respect her opinion maybe I'm just kidding myself!

Late last year I was having loads of pain in my "good" ankle, not the one I had fused two years ago. I had a shadow show up in my ankle during a scan and was advised that it needed further exploration. Before my overseas trip I saw the surgeon and it was decided that surgery would be needed soon.

That's why I shot overseas, bolted up to QLD, then down to Port Fairy in quick succession. No sooner did I set up camp in Port Fairy that I was contacted by the surgeon that the operation will be done the following week. 

Do you reckon that put the cat among the pigeons!!

All I could think of was all the things I needed to get done at home before I became the Peg Leg Pirate!!!

Gardening and trips to the tip.

Cleaning out shed.

Shopping.

Fixing the broken tap in the yard. 

Repairing puncture on my road bike.

Covering the caravan and cleaning it out.

Stocking the cupboards and fridge.

Etc.

Loads of menial tasks that usually mean nothing, but had suddenly become important.

So I stayed in Port Fairy for a few days then bolted home and managed to get just about everything done. 

If I have missed something then it's too late because it's 2.00 in the morning and I'm sitting up in my bed in hospital after a lengthy operation this morning that uncovered a bit more than expected. Just can't sleep at all due to the shoulder I hurt when I came off a bike last year giving me grief. It got scanned last night, revealing a problem that might need another operation on it. Ho Hum!!

I know I'll have plenty of time to sleep in the coming weeks for sure.

When I came out of surgery I woke to find that not only was my ankle in a cast, but my knee is also bandaged as they said they may need to use it as part of a bone graft, which I'm assuming they did. At the moment they have inserted a blocker which deadens the whole leg, and I have no control or feeling with it at all. When the nurse washed it earlier and lifted it, it felt like I was watching someone move the leg of another person.

So as I said earlier I'm claiming that this one is not my fault because something actually grew and developed in my ankle, so that's not my fault. In the eyes of most however, you could say that I'm clutching at straws!!

Well Readers,

A lengthy and varied post involving triggers, travel, vulnerability, emotions, lack of proof reading, nostalgia and goodness knows what else.

I'm doing anything to try and stave off sleep so that I can enjoy it when it comes. 

Also, i'm sure as I'll have so much time on my hands in the coming weeks I maight be able to pump out the posts.

You have been warned!! 🤣

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 Habits and Crossroads

Hi Readers,

A bit of a mish-mash with this post as I had two different ideas floating about and couldn't decide which one to go with, so have decided to hit them both at the same time.

The habits part really struck me while I was away overseas recently, and upon my return I was wondering why I was feeling so strange about so many things. It wasn't until last night when a friend messaged me and put it to me that perhaps I was just facing a number of crossroads at the moment just as they felt they were.

Sometimes we just don't realise things until someone slaps us in the face with it, and I think that is what happened last night.

First of all, habits.

It took the GPS in my new car to really show me how I have so many habits that I probably wasn't aware of. It also alarmed me a bit that my car could accurately predict where I was probably going at certain times of certain days. 

Big Brother is clearly watching me!!

Back when I was working I'd get in the car at pretty much the same time every morning ( yep, a creature of habit) and each time a display would come up on the screen to suggest the best route to take to school. Usually I just ignore this, but as I've been on Long Service Leave since the end of last year, and it expires soon, I no longer get these alerts as I'm not travelling out that way anymore. It doesn't even give me alternative suggestions as I haven't had any common places that I've travelled to in the past 6 weeks.

The poor old GPS must be stressing out that it doesn't have any suggestions for me at the moment.

However, before my trip it would often suggest going to Lake Weeroona here in Bendigo, as I was usually going up there most mornings to go kayaking. Due to the colder weather and having been away it has stopped giving that suggestion.

But two weeks ago, on a Saturday, at a certain time I jumped in and a specific suggestion came up, one that I pretty much stick with every Saturday afternoon. It must be that I usually do this trip within a certain time frame, because it doesn't give me the suggestion when I hop into the car earlier on a Saturday like I did this morning, or much later on a Saturday afternoon. It doesn't do it on other days, just Saturdays. When I hop in the car later today to go and sit with Jen at the cemetery I'm pretty sure it will suggest that is where I'm going to.

It took me a while to really think about this, and while it can be seen as helpful, it also concerns me somewhat that my car is able to predict my movements over time. I'm sure I could disable it, but as I'm not committing any crimes I see no point in overly worrying about it.

It will be interesting to see what suggestions start surfacing in the coming weeks now that I am home and moving into this retirement gig for sure.

I hope it won't suggest Dan Murphy's or some dodgy food shop!!!

It's only when I sit back and really try to identify many of my habits that I realise how some are already fading in the distance, while other ones are starting to surface.

For instance, when I would get home from school I'd always put my bags in the same spot, put whatever needed to be charged on a charger, then bring in the washing. Next I'd get my clothes ready for the next day, a job I always hated which is why I did it straight away. 

If anyone walked in and saw my clothes for the next day already hanging on the chair ironed they'd think I was suffering from severe OCD. Maybe I was!!

But let me tell you, there are no clothes being hung out the night before anymore, and rarely is something ironed unless I have an important appointment. I still plan ahead what I might be wearing the next day, but as I can just grab it out of the cupboard there is no necessity to be ultra prepared anymore.

Just as my clothes were always ready nearly a day in advance, so too were my meals. When I left the house each morning I always had it in my mind what I'd be eating that night. Ingredients that didn't need to be kept in the fridge were set up on the bench ready for when I got home. That no longer occurs as I can now just do meals on a whim.

I know that being at work took away so much time, which is probably why I was being so organised, but now that I'm time free I still like to be organised and haven't become a sloth. Yet.

It's amazing how changing a habit can also be a little stressful at times.

I have always been an early riser so that I could go for a run (back when I could run 😩) and now running has been replaced with doing rehab work to look after my legs, shoulders and hands after a number of surgeries over recent years. The spare lounge is filled with gym straps of various strengths, and every morning I'm in there without fail. Back when Jen was here I'd be in there at 5.00am and finished by 6.00 am so that I could have a quick shower before Jen got up. 

Even when I was working up to the end of last year I kept this up so that I'd be in the car by 7.00am each day.

Lately however, I have slipped a bit as the cooler mornings have started, and I have tended to stay under the doona a bit longer. Now instead of being finished by 6.00, I might be starting at 6.30, and this messes with me big time as I feel that I have wasted so much of my morning. I have always prided myself on being committed to doing this each morning, and the way that it has slipped a bit lately frustrates me, and it is the fault of no-one but myself. I am more than prepared to address this as soon as possible so that it doesn't become a habit of mine to let it start later and later or, heaven forbid, I start skipping sessions!!!

So Readers, since pulling the plug on work I have noticed quite a number of habits slowly fading away, but just as quickly I am developing new habits to suit my new lifestyle.

A number of people have said to me that they expect our house to become a bit of a mess as they don't think that I'd be able to keep it tidy while I was here all the time and not at work. The same goes for our garden, which Jen always looked after. 

I think that I've always been pretty tidy, and we always shared the cleaning tasks. Now I think I've become a cleanaholic at times, as I just can't stand seeing any little bits of mess anywhere. As soon as I do spy one the vac is out immediately, and don't be surprised to hear that it might come out a few times a day. Dusting has taken some time to endear itself to me, but I recently took steps to tackle this and bought a whizz bang microfibre brush that will help me get on top of this. As I generally keep to certain parts of the house, it annoys the crap out of me when I see dust gathering in other places. I then rub my finger through it and the stripe it leaves stands out more to me than the proverbial!! Then I have to dust EVERYWHERE, not just that spot.

I detest hanging clothes on the line and gathering them in. Now when I collect them they get packed away immediately as I can't cope with washing baskets full of dirty or clean clothes. The same for dishes. If a dish has been used, it gets washed and put away or in the dishwasher straight away. I can't stand things being left out on the sink.

I know some of this sounds OCD as I mentioned earlier, but it all means that I go to bed relaxed and generally wake up not worrying about cleaning up from the day before.

Some of these new habits have been forced, others have just developed naturally.

One habit that took some time to ditch was how I would always get the things ready for Jen's breakfast first thing in the morning so that all she had to do was cook up her eggs on toast and coffee. I'd usually do this without knowing I was doing it, and when I had to stop doing it I did feel a strong sense of guilt for some time, as if I was letting her down in some way.

And can't some habits become so entrenched that we keep doing them purely because it is easier than making changes. For instance, I'd usually just get up and have two bits of toast with the usual spread. Day after day, week after week. Lately I've decided to swap things around and actually prepare something else. The same goes for my night time meals, as for the past 2 and a bit years I have been rotating through the same handful of dishes as they are just easy to do. Throw in a few "Bachelor's Handbags" for variety and my boring diet is there for all to see.

Recently I had a few couples around for dinner, and rather than just cook the standard stir fry, which would have been easy, I went to the set of cook books that Jen had put together that were so healthy, required minimal ingredients, but produced fantastic meals. This is what we would always cook from, and why I haven't been using them was beyond me. Since then I have been back to them so many times. I need to make it a habit to keep using them!! The sticky chicken that I cooked that night went down so well, so I might even cook it up a few more times for myself!!

I could go on and on about which of my habits that are fading and the ones that are developing. But that would be about as interesting as the rest of this post.

What I'd love to put to you is are you aware of the same things happening in your own lives?

Some just occur as our lives change, some are to a degree forced upon us while others we have to really work on in order for them to become a habit. eg Me and dusting the house!!!!

It was only that I realised recently that I wasn't doing some things as much as I used to, and that other things were now taking place more regularly.

In finishing this segment on habits, I might share one that I am actually trying to change into a more positive habit. When caught in traffic I get a potty mouth, often swearing under my breath at nothing in particular. It has only been since I began to realise that I am part of the traffic that me complaining about it was futile. I was complaining about myself!!!

So, now I am making a concerted effort to be more relaxed, let other drivers in when I can and to always acknowledge when others do the same for me. It's not an entrenched habit yet, but if I commit to it then hopefully it will be.

Now for Crossroads.

As I said earlier, this was prompted by some messages I received last night.

While I was overseas I spent a week with family in NYC and was always busy and looking forward to doing things with them.

Then I headed to Europe for a few more weeks where I was always on my own.

This probably gave me too much time to think about too many things, and as a result I really started to question my future. 

I knew that I needed to retire and thought that I had solid plans for what was to come.

I spent the first few weeks of retirement just enjoying what felt like an extended holiday, and just doing the things that I liked when I liked. The weather was great and I was constantly out kayaking and cycling. Also, a lot of time was spent planning and preparing for my overseas trip, plus an obligatory trip to Qld to see family.

While wandering the streets of one of these foreign cities I began to question myself. 

"So what are you going to do after this?"

I was having feelings that I didn't think I wanted to stay in Bendigo anymore, but had no idea as to an alternative. I considered moving back to Ballarat, but after talking this through with someone I realised that it would not be the same Ballarat that we left 26 years ago.

Is there somewhere else I'd consider? Possibly, but what if I got there and realised I'd made a huge mistake. Perhaps I could go there for a short time to see what it was like, but it's still a gamble.

I know that I have my caravan and will be able to get away in it whenever I like, but with upcoming surgery I know that I will be very limited in where and when I'll be able to do this.

The big thing that I had planned to start my retirement with has now been and gone, so that's why I feel like I'm sort of at a crossroads moment right now. 

The real retirement is now beginning, so what does it look like from now on?

For so many years my life has been governed by certainty to a large extent, as I knew where I'd be at any given time due to the structures of work and family.

Now it is an open book, and while the options are endless, the uncertainty is something I'm taking some time to become accustomed to.

You will think I've totally lost it here when I tell you that over the past few nights I have actually been researching the idea of moving overseas indefinitely!!!

Where, I have no idea. When? Just the same. How? Who knows. Just lots of questions to which I have no answers. Realistically, I know it is just a pipedream, but I am looking into it nonetheless.

When I finished work last year I had so many people telling me "You should do this", "You should go here" etc, but me being me, when I cop this advice I generally tend to commit to doing exactly the opposite. How's that for showing gratitude towards others!!!

The same applies when I get the "It's time for you to move on" or "It's about time you got over this". Once again my response is to disregard these comments. It's on these occasions that I feel even more left in the middle of a crossroad, wondering which way to turn.

I also think that as it is coming up to Jen's 3rd anniversary since her passing that my mind is constantly occupied with her loss and what she went through, so now is not the time to make rash decisions.

Readers, I spent most of last year at the crossroads wondering if I should pull the pin on work or not, and I am certain I have made the right decision. Now I am there again and need to consider all the options ahead of me and choose which ones will be the best for me.

Just as I suggested to you earlier about your habits changing, have a think about some of your own crossroad moments. You may not think you have any, but that was me also just a few weeks ago. While I have had many telling me what and when and how I should be doing things, I have also been blessed by a few very close friends who understand what is going on and have been able to offer some of the greatest advice. 

I hope you all have those people in your lives too.

Well Readers,

As I said, this post is a total mish-mash of a number of ideas, and if it reads strangely then I totally get it, as I don't know for sure myself if I have explained myself adequately.

In the meantime, with this glorious weather I'm off to get the van ready for a spur of the moment trip for a few days. Where? I have no idea, but will be good anyway.

Until my next post ( from wherever that may be!)

Cheers 😁