This is all about Nothing!

Hi Readers,

As usual I have spent the past few days pondering about what to write about. I had so many ideas but just couldn't put them together into something that might even vaguely come across as coherent, so I'm just going to bang them all together anyway.

Because I couldn't get my head together I just avoided hitting the keyboard, but I just had a nagging desire to write.

The funny thing that prompted me to actually get off my a#$e and write just happened less than an hour ago.

Out of the blue an extremely kind hearted person messaged me to say that a serving of minestrone was going to be dropped off at my front door. I replied that this didn't need to be done, but at the same time I was extremely grateful all the same.

So here I am in the lounge watching my beloved Tigers give up a promising lead and eventually lose when I get an alert on my phone that someone was at my front door. By the time I got there (I'm still hobbling, especially after sitting down for a while) all I saw was a car driving off and someone waving from the driver's seat.

And a container of soup at the door.

And can you imagine how guilty I felt taking this inside without being able to offer the chef even a cuppa, or just a sincere thank you?

But the fact it was a minestrone soup gave me the idea for this post. As we know, minestrone can be a concoction of so many ingredients, so this post will be the same. A mixture of totally random things that have been on my mind lately, but all come together to help me make some sort of sense about the world I live in.

I'll apologise in advance for the randomness of what follows from here, so if you can put up with it, read on.

Renovations

Regular readers will know that over the past 12 months my body has been on the rack a bit, getting things fixed that have been a problem for a while, and addressing new ailments that just seem to find me even when I'm not looking for them!

Last November I had ankle fusion, it is still a problem as I am only now beginning to sort of walk properly. Sort of. One day I'm moving a bit more freely, the next day I'm stuffed. Not complaining for a second though as I know I'm not sick, just sore.

I had surgery on both hands in January, no big deal, but the problem has continued to grow.

A bit over a week ago I was having an appointment with a hand therapist and all she could say was "You need to go under the scalpel again"

On the way home I made an appointment to see the surgeon, who said he'd see me in 2 days time on a Saturday afternoon of all times! Normally I have to wait weeks to see him.

Anyway, the end result was that he said I needed surgery and that he'd do it on Monday!! Two days warning to get myself prepared for it!!!

Let's just say the next 24 hours was a blur as I organised time off work, cleaned up around the house and did all the jobs that I knew I wouldn't be able to do post surgery.

Last Monday came and went and once again I found myself at home recovering from an even more detailed surgery than what I had in January.

I still don't know exactly what was done as my hand is heavily bandaged , maybe it's best not to know.

As I have to keep it totally dry I have been unable to scrub off the dye that is used pre-op, but please be assured I still wash my hands!!! The kids in my class had a great laugh when they saw me back at school last Thursday. And their compassion knows no bounds as many would offer to write on the whiteboard for me, while others would ask me not to write anything for them when explaining things as they didn't want my hand to hurt.

God bless them!!

While I was having my Saturday afternoon Appointment with the surgeon, I casually asked him just before leaving about the problems I was still having with a shoulder I hurt last year when I fell over during a tennis clinic.

After a thorough check he just said "Yep, that needs some work too"

He must have seen the look on my face, and quickly laughed and said that he wouldn't operate on the shoulder on Monday as well, as that would leave both sides of the body winged.

He's going to do it once my hand heals a bit, but has warned me that it is a painful procedure and recovery. Once again, being sore is better than sick, I'm fine with it, and accustomed to it.

I'm so glad that I'm paying for his new house, school fees and overseas trips!!! 

Just joking Glenn!!!!

Guilt

This is the one thing that has been playing on my mind so much lately, and at first I didn't know it. It took some time for me to realise what I was feeling and why.

Some things we can control, but there are also times where we can't choose how we are feeling, or when we might feel that way, or how long it will last.

It wasn't until I was doing a lesson with my kids a few weeks ago and we were discussing how the image we portray about ourselves often isn't a true indication of what is happening inside. A recent book we read talks about the "masks" we wear, a topic I wrote about in a previous post.

In order to help the kids understand this concept, I drew a venn diagram on the board with 2 headings.

                                         How I see myself         How others might see me

I offered to be the guinea pig and asked the kids to offer up ideas for how people might see me. No problem. They had a ball and they cut loose with amazing honesty. Some of it was so humbling, other bits made me cringe, but I had to accept all offerings as I put myself up for it.

When it came to putting in comments about how I see myself I started to struggle as it was in many ways upsetting, but I wasn't showing this. So I asked the kids for some ideas as I said I was struggling to come up with some. 

Sad. Unhappy. Depressed.

These were the first few, and I have to admit they weren't far off the mark.

I said that what they had put forward was pretty accurate and thanked them for their honesty, but also reassured them that I am not suffering from depression!!! Sad yes, but I have mechanisms in place to deal with this. They obviously have me worked out.

This activity gave me better clarity about how I had been feeling lately when going out, having a good time, doing fun things, cooking up a nice meal, travelling to see the boys, enjoying my life etc.

I was finding that I'd been feeling guilty about being able to do and experience all these things because I wasn't able to share them with Jen. Why should I get all this good fortune when she got dealt such a horrendous last 1o months? I know it sounds strange, but I just couldn't control these thoughts coming into my mind whenever I'd get to do nice things. 

It even got to the point where I'd avoid doing them as I knew how it would make me feel.

I was definitely putting on a mask and I knew that I needed to get my s*&t together otherwise I'd end up in a downward spiral.

I now realise that what has happened is irreversible and out of my control, and from some reading I have done I have also learnt that this is part of the grieving process. I'm sure Jen would slap some reality back into me as well, so that's another driving force that is sustaining me.

Possibly the main thing that helped me was finding out that one of our sons and his wife are expecting a second child early next year. I had 2 choices. I could wallow in self pity that Jen won't be here to share in the joy that being a grandparent brings, or I could look forward enthusiastically to maintaining her memory as Henry and the next Grandchild grow up not remembering her, but knowing so much about her. An easy choice.

I know I'll still feel these pangs of guilt from time to time, but at least I know that I have strategies in place to deal with it.

So why do I share this?

Last Friday our school had a pupil free day (the days that parents just love...NOT!!!)

One of our staff members ran a day on identifying, understanding and working with our values. That's it in a nutshell, and probably doesn't give enough justice to it, but it was just the most special day that gave me even more clarity.

A pre-task was to identify 2 values from a large list that apply to us the most. Before I looked at the list I wrote down 2 that I try to live by, then I looked at the list and there they were.

Vulnerability.

Gratitude.

If I told you all the things we did last Friday it would take a whole day, but let me just say that it was a day where staff were very open and honest in the way that they discussed what values they live by, and how we can use them to continue to develop ways to further enhance how we work with each other. It was great.

I've spoken about vulnerability in greater detail in previous posts, and this post tonight is further proof of how much I believe in it. The day also helped me to identify and understand the masks I wear, and these change for different situations and people that I deal with. For example, I don't handle positive feedback well, but you can be as critical as you like to my face and I'm okay with that. Imagine my surprise when a colleague pointed out the positive feedback thing to me on Friday. He noticed it and called me out on it, in a positive way of course. I don't know why I don't cope with hearing positive things, but I'll be the first to offer positive comments to someone else.

Can you see why I'm comparing this post to a minestrone? I'm all over the place and rambling, but my writing gets it off my chest. I must admit, getting the 'guilt' thing out of the way has been a great relief. I wonder if any Readers have ever felt the same in similar situations?

Regular readers will know how inspired I have been by a particular book by Ant Middleton.

Easily the best book I have read, you might read it and get nothing from it, I accept that.

Anyway, I was talking with 2 younger colleagues at school and they said that they both give talks to groups of men and young males about many of the things that Ant is big on as well. I told them about this book and the next day I gave my copy to one of them.

A day or so later I was thinking that it would take quite some time for them both to read it, so after school one Friday night I made a spur of the moment decision to drive to Ballarat to get them a copy each as I'd rung a book store there who said they had some copies. Why not in Bendigo? Because we don't have any major book stores anymore🤬!!

Anyway, you might think that this was a bit of a rash decision, but not in my mind. I was just so grateful to these two for the way that they have genuinely checked in on not just me, but other staff at school. The concept of Men's Health is well and truly alive in these two.

To make the time to go and get these books was just a joy for me as I was anticipating that they might get something out of it too.

Imagine my joy a few days later when one of them came to see me and said "I've only read the first few pages, I get it"

Well Readers,

I could continue to bang on about nothing for a few more hours but I'll spare you the pain! 

It's amazing what you can write about when you have nothing to write about!!

And my parting comment to generate some thinking???

What are two values that you try to live by?

Aaaah, now I feel good. And sore, but not sick 👍

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 Oh to run again !!!

Hi Readers,

Another post in less than a week, that's what school holidays are for!!

Today it was so easy to find an idea to post about, but I must admit that when I woke up I had no idea whatsoever.

I've spent the past few days in Qld visiting two of our boys, our daughter in law and Grandson and every opportunity to spend time with them has been just the greatest thing.

This morning when I was packing up my things I thought I'd go for one last quick walk (okay, hobble ) up to the beach to look out over the ocean as it was yet another glorious morning up here.

To my surprise I found that the annual Gold Coast Marathon was on, which I knew, but I wasn't aware that it came down as far as where my digs are.

For those who have known me for a while, you are aware that I once was able to run and that I did it quite a lot. Obsessively as Jen would often say !!

And this was my usual response, but I'm sure that it always fell on deaf ears !!

I was like a little kid in a lolly shop again as I have run a few marathons back in the day, and the Gold Coast Marathon is the one I enjoyed the most. A cracking course and always something to see. The runners are always close to each other, or at least the ones as slow as me were ! Where I was standing on the course was the 15km mark, and watching the runners glide/stomp/walk/shuffle and struggle past me only made me feel so inspired by their efforts.

And Readers, there was a slight hint of jealousy.

Alright, I admit it. I was so bloody jealous !!!!!

But that's no-one's fault but my own and I can only be grateful that I was able to do it for as long as I did.

Just watching and listening brought back so many vivid memories. Just the sounds of the hundreds of shoes pounding the asphalt was a sound that I haven't enjoyed for a number of years, but it came back to me immediately. 

This next bit I don't expect you to understand, but even just watching the backs of runners and the backs of their shoes was another vivid memory that flooded into my mind.

Why?

In my experiences, when the fatigue really kicked in it was too hard to look around and enjoy the scenery, so I'd focus on what was ahead of me before my head totally hit the ground.

There was also the constant chatter among the runners, most of it encouraging and pulling people along. The encouragement given out from fellow bystanders was such a joy to hear, people screaming out to random. runners just to give them some encouragement for the next few hundred metres. Believe me when I say how much that helps.

I wasn't going to make this post a deep philosophical assessment, but is there something in there for all of us?

Just to make a little effort to be that tiny bit more encouraging or accepting of those we encounter from day to day?

I know that when I was checking in at the airport the lady in charge of the queue where you put your belongings in the tray was extremely flustered with some demanding passengers, so when it was my turn I just said something like "Thank you, you're dong a great job". Well, she stopped and stared at me and I thought she was going to yell at me, but all she did was stay calm for a few seconds, smiled and breathed out saying "Thank you".

I hope I changed her day for the next few minutes at least.

Anyway, back to the marathon.

In a previous post I talk in more detail about some of my marathon experiences and how they have given me a positive mindset that has continued to this day.

If you want to read about that you'll just have to scroll through my previous ramblings! 

It goes without saying that I'd give my right leg to be able to run again ( also, if I gave my right leg I might get a better one that works!!) So, for the meantime I'll just focus on learning to walk properly again and see what happens from there. But just by watching all these runners of all shapes and sizes plodding past made me realise how lucky I have been to have been able to do this earlier in my life, rather than never experiencing it and forever wondering what it would be like.

So Readers, another little message, don't forever wonder, get out there and try it.

It doesn't have to be marathon running. It could be any sport, hobbies, adventure or whatever. It could be as basic as watching that movie you've always thought about, or read that book. Ignore the pessimism and give it a crack!!

One of the pictures that I've collected over time that continually resonates with me.

When my ankle really started to get bad, I found that I couldn't run on the flat, but for some reason I could do hills, which was all I did for a few years. They always taught me about never giving up. Never will I complain about going up a hill again, I'd give that right leg away again to do it!!

A running message, but in a context that we can all apply to everything that we do.

This image sits on the desktop of all my devices. It sums up what running gave to me.

And another graphic that is on all my devices, and also on the wall in the room wherever I work. Unless I do something every day I feel like a sloth and am restless until I've had my fix.

Readers, I've really indulged myself in something that is/was an absolute passion of mine, but it is the thing that has given me so many life lessons. Perhaps those thousands of hours on the road gave me the perfect 'think time', because I always was a much more relaxed and organised person after a run. Jen would often sense this and just tell me "You need to go for a run!!" I think it was for her sanity as much as mine.

When we lived in Ballarat I ran 3 times, sometimes 4 times a week with a running group, and we even had a monthly newsletter. The following article was written one day and it sums up more than just belonging to a running group.

Take out of it whatever message you can, I refer back to it constantly and have used it with colleagues and at conferences many times.

Finally Readers, some random snaps from the Gold Coast Marathon today.

While I'm sitting in the airport lounge writing this I have seen quite a few passengers still in their running gear, some still wearing their race numbers boarding flights. Obviously they are in a rush to catch flights, I'd hate to be sitting next o one of them!!

Whatever floats your goat!!

At the 15km mark, been going for more than 2 hours and only a third of the course done. Hats off to people with such resilience!!

This lady was running the course with a plastic bubble costume. Withe wind drag it was making things very hard for her.

By my reckoning this bloke still had more than 2 hours to go and he was already doing it hard. No criticism here, just respect.

I was just full of admiration for every person tackling this event. So many looked like they would struggle to complete it, but at least they were having a crack. 

Once again, they could have my right leg.....🦵

Just wishing I could be out there too, but if not, then maybe I can direct my energies elsewhere.

This was the pacesetter for the group hoping to complete it in 4:30. I love the fact that he can still inject some humour into such a taxing physical event.

A view that I have experienced so often. I'd give anything to experience it again but am realistic enough to acknowledge that that time has passed. How lucky I was to have at least experienced it.

Well Readers, 

A lighter read this time around, based purely on experiencing something that has had some of the greatest influences on my life. And my body!!

My only philosophical statement for this post is for you to think back and consider the formative events and experiences in your own lives, what have they taught you , do you still engage in them etc. Who knows, the next experience could be just around the corner for you. I'm taking on that attitude, I don't know what it will be but I hope there is something coming.

I'm rushing now as my flight has been called and I haven't gone back and checked for typos etc, so I'm sure you'll find them for me!!

Another week of holidays, so hopefully another post or two.

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁 🏃‍♂️

 Face Up !!

Hi Readers,

Once again apologising for the length between posts, just sparing you from the tedium!!

As per usual, I have so many ideas floating around inside my head, mainly because there's probably not much in there to bump into!!

As I've mentioned in so many other posts, sometimes an idea is so obvious you don't realise it until it lands right in your lap, and it happened again this week. Just like most other weeks!

For my overseas readers, these next two weeks are our school holidays and I've decided to make the most of this opportunity to leave the Winter cold of Bendigo and head north to Queensland to visit two of our sons, our daughter in law and cherished Grandson.

The past two weeks in Bendigo have been bleak and miserable, with a number of days in the single figures or just above at best. I was travelling to school in the dark and when going home it wasn't much brighter either. Having experienced Winter in Europe and Canada I know I sound like a pussy, but when one usually has slightly better weather we do tend to become precious when it gets too cold for our liking. 🥶

Anyway, while boarding the plane early a few days ago it was still cold and windy in Melbourne and all I could think of was the difference that I'd be experiencing in just over two hours. 

Now this is where we come to the focus of this post.

Where I am staying is a place that Jen and I have stayed at a number of times. Great location, facilities and people who run it. At the check in desk they have some bowls with various cards and tags in them, each with a positive comment or mindset focus. Exactly the thing that I have become even more passionate about over the past two years.

This morning I reached in and pulled out two random cards and decided they would be the focus of this post, and they couldn't have been more appropriate.

Face the Situation

Willingness

At first I nearly put them back, but that defeats the purpose of accepting the randomness of life and the situations we find ourselves in.

The "Willingness" prompted me to accept both cards and to ponder more about what I was willing to accept in my life and accept as my 'new normal'.

Sometimes you just don't know what will dawn on you until it does and this occurred on Monday.

As my regular readers would know, my body is falling apart and the good doctors of Bendigo are doing what they can to keep it upright, moving and somewhat pain free. Two out of three is still good, Meatloaf would attest to this!! I must have paid for their school fees and overseas holidays for the next few years!!

Anyway, on Monday I was feeling relatively good, much better than usual, so thought that I'd go for a walk along the foreshore. I'll admit I was still limping a bit, but it was the best I had ever been, and I managed more than an hour in the glorious Qld sunshine looking over a perfectly calm, blue sea.

It was amazing how a warm breeze, a slightly less painful leg and a beautiful day can change one's mindset so quickly. My mind was racing and it soon dawned on me that I was only thinking of positive things. Life was great!

Until, unexpectedly a thought came into my mind.

"You're really on your own now"

Yep, for the first time I fully realised that this is what is ahead of me now, that I'm actually on my own. 

Every other holiday was spent with someone else, and any recent trips had a distinct purpose. This is my first actual 'holiday" without Jen and it was the first time that the full reality hit me. I'm not for a moment feeling sorry for myself, but every other trip I've done there has been endless discussion about what to do each day, where to go, what to eat and so on. Now those decisions are so trivial and I must confess that not much thought goes into them as I haven't been in this situation before.

I'll admit though that I haven't been able to do much since my celebrated walk on Monday as my leg blew up and I'm pretty much housebound again! Talk about going from chocolates to boiled lollies. At least I can still maintain the attitude of "I'm not sick, just broken", so this will soon pass.

This where the "Face The Situation" card slapped me in the face ever so subtly. (Did I spell that right???) 

I need to "Face Up" to the reality that now confronts me, that I'm now on my own. I've known this since the day we lost Jen, but the reality became crystal clear on Monday when I fully realised what life will be looking like from now on. 

Over the past couple of months I've actually had people say to me that it's time that I "Got over it" or "Moved on". I detest that term so much, and get so offended that others will think that they are the judges for what they think I should do without even talking to me first. It's the last thing on my mind and I've never considered it. As I said in a previous post, I'm not lonely for others, just one. And I wouldn't for a moment consider inflicting myself on someone else while I feel the way that I do, something that I have really faced up to.

Usually when I go walking, riding or running (aaahh, those days...) I'd have headphones on. While walking on Monday I didn't, so my thoughts must have been running wild, but in the end helped to provide some clarity as well.

So what else can I take from this?

In my last post I mentioned how crappy I am at teaching Literacy, whereas I tend to back myself with Maths and Sport. I'm able to face up to this, but the important thing is what am I going to do about it? I do lean on my colleagues, so hard at times that I practically knock them over!! But it means I'm prepared to identify and acknowledge my weaknesses and not be ashamed about it. 

It's how it is.

So Readers, I'm not suggesting that you go to the white flag cupboard and start broadcasting all the things that you'd like to be better at, it's just a prompt to sit back and self reflect and perhaps identify them yourself and consider your options from now on.

You might not change the world, but you might change yourself?

Hugh van Cuylenburg from "The Resilience Project" talks a lot about being 'vulnerable', and how liberating it can be. My own personal experience can only vouch for this. 'Facing Up' and having a 'Willingness' to do this can do so much to help us through those times in life or at work or in relationships where we might be struggling a bit. I've been encouraged to continue my posts because I do expose my vulnerability, even though I still cop flak at times from people who question why I do what I do. It's my choice, so that's okay with me.

I had to 'face up' recently when I needed some work done to fix a retaining wall at another place we own. My handyman skills do not even rate at the lowest possible level, even so much harder with the current condition of my body.

I persevered, even bought a new pair of work boots in the vain hope that they would "fix" my leg. It rained, I swore, it rained more and there were more "F-Bombs" flying around the yard than the autumn leaves blowing off the trees.

But it got done. And three weeks later it is still upright!!

I was willing to accept my lack of skill level and have a crack, it did so much for my own self confidence.

Once again Readers, I'm not asking you to save the world, just to ponder about what you are willing to accept and face up to.  Be warned, the harsh reality can be confronting, and I mean that seriously, but also in a humorous context as well.

Being up here in Qld I have the pure joy of spending time each day with two of our sons, Sam and Will, our daughter in law Phoebe and our beautiful grandson Henry.

Okay, I'll be honest, Henry is the big attraction!!

There was a moment last night where I was taking a photo of him and he saw the photos I have inside my phone cover. Another moment of "Facing The Situation", and a beautiful moment with a toddler who is starting to really talk.

He saw the photos inside the cover and was saying the names of everyone.

He then pointed to the photo of Jen and said "That's Gran". 

After pausing and looking at her, he then looked at me so innocently and said "Is she at your house?"

What could I say but yes. I still question if that was the right thing to say, but he needed an answer. 

Obviously Sam and Phoebe are doing so much to ensure that he grows up knowing that he had a Gran who lived with Pop, but he doesn't get to see her. As he grows older he will gradually understand what happened to her and why she doesn't visit with me, and I couldn't be prouder of his parents and the way that they are preserving her memory.

Facing up to the pure innocence of toddlers and what they say can be startling at times, but also heart warming, and I took this moment as one of those to treasure.

Breakfast with my favourite man, "Cheers Big Ears!!

     Well Readers,

Another post of convoluted waffle, I hope you got even the slightest bit of sense from it.

I'll be looking in the bowl at the check in desk again tomorrow for some more inspiration, which means subjecting you to more of me banging on about goodness knows what!!

And for my friends back home, it continues to be sunny and warm up here !!☀️🌞☀️🌞

Until my next post,

Cheers 😁

 One Year On...

Hi Readers,

A post that I never thought that I'd write or expect to write, as I just thought that we'd gracefully grow old together. This was not to be.

June 6th marks the first anniversary of Jen's passing, a day that I've been dreading, but every day is hard without her. I'm not the first person to lose a partner or family member, and I'm definitely not going to be the last. All I wanted to do was continue with my writing as it has been one of the things that has kept me sane over the past 18 months and helped me to process all of the things that I have felt, seen and experienced during her illness, and the subsequent 12 months without her.

After the funeral and everything started to go back to 'normal', with family heading back to their own homes and lives, I really found some things quite a shock to the system.

I took two weeks extra leave and then it was school holidays, which gave me a full month to get my s$%t together before heading back to school with my Grade 5 class.

I didn't know what to expect and just took things as they happened. There is no rule book on grief, and although many people were so kind in their support and advice, I just had to navigate this journey in my own way. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I needed to discover things for myself.

Loving being a Grandmother

Possibly the first thing that slapped me in the face was when I needed to go somewhere or do something. For 34 years I was in the habit of telling her what I was going to do, or that I was heading out to do something. Now I was finding myself going out to do the usual things and I was continually stopping to check myself, as I felt that I had to let someone know, just in case they were looking for me. It was so hard to not think about letting someone else know what you were planning to do.

At first it felt strange, that I was ducking out and not telling anyone what I was doing or where I was going. Even somewhat guilty. I just couldn't control it and it took quite some time before I became accustomed to just doing things without thinking of letting someone else know. Just a habit that had formed over so many years, we were always so good at letting each other know where we were at all times and what we were doing. 

It even applied to the simplest of things.

Like getting up to make a cuppa or get a drink. We'd always ask each other if they needed something. It took me ages to sort of get out of the habit of checking with someone else whenever I was doing some of the most mundane things in life.

But these were the things that we always joked about, saying they were "life giving".

eg: I'd offer to get Jen a cuppa/drink and she'd say yes, and then add "That's so life giving". It became a joke that we'd say so often that we usually didn't know we said it. 

Now I appreciate every time I said it.

So Readers, just as hard as it was leaving the house without letting the other half know, it was doubly hard coming home.

At first I didn't think about coming home to an empty house each night, but as days turned into weeks it became painfully obvious that she just wasn't here anymore. So many years of coming home and banging on about your day were par for the course in our house. Who could get their stories out first? The calmest? The funniest etc. Now it's just throw your stuff in the usual spot and then wonder what to do next.

Some nights I even dreaded leaving work as I didn't like coming home.

I'm lucky that I am someone who always likes to be active, so I always have some structure in my day. It quickly became clear to me that I could fall into the trap of getting home and wallowing in self pity, and Jen would slap me back into reality quickly if she thought I was doing this. So I have managed to make sure that as soon as I'm home I get stuck into something, be that some exercise, mowing the lawns, fixing something up, whatever. Just a task that gives me something to do when I get home, rather than plonking in front of the tv.

But let's be real here. Some nights I do just do that, but an hour or so later I get the guilts and go and do something anyway!!

We were so lucky that we travelled so much when we could. We spent buckets of money, saw so much of the world and wouldn't trade the memories or experiences for a second.

So, doing things without 'checking in' and coming home to the empty house really slapped me early on, but the next one still gets me and catches me out.

I'll be watching something on tv, and just like you, when something catches your attention you immediately mention it to whoever else may be in the room. I accept here that not everyone who reads this has a partner or family in their homes right now, and like me is in a single situation. I'm still getting accustomed to this situation, so bear with me.

I'll see an item on the news and I just want to respond out loud, but now there's no-one to do it with, whereas in the past we may have had a great discussion on what we had just seen. We may have laughed about it, shed a tear or had a disagreement about it. Anything, but just a response.

So often I go to say something but have to stop myself as I feel stupid nearly talking to myself!! This has taken quite some time to become accustomed to, especially after watching Ted Lasso !! I'm sure Jen would have loved this series as it contains all the things that we would often talk about.

Thankfully I have someone else very close who totally gets it, and we often share messages after each episode.

Thanks Gez ❤️

My favourite photo of her.

Since I have gone back to work full time again I have found that I have been getting to work earlier than I ever have been in the past.

Why?

I am a creature of habit, and due to my various surgeries in the past 6 months I still have a lot of rehab to do. Due to my somewhat obsessive nature at times, I am quite a stickler for maintaining my rehab routines, which means getting up at 5:00 every morning and doing a full hour of various exercises to assist with the recovery for my hands, shoulder and leg. By the time I shower and have a quick brekky it's still quite early, and as there is nothing much else to do in the house, I head to work and get lots done before school. After school is another story...I check out!!!

Previously I'd have brekky with Jen, but now I just don't like hanging around the house so I'm more productive by heading to work early and getting work done. I'm okay with this, it's just one of the changes that have come into my life. 

I've mentioned in quite a few posts that sometimes things just fall into your lap at the right time, and another instance of this occurred to me today.

I was reading in a book that I just love, that we can choose how we respond to the events that happen in our lives. For so many of the things that I've experienced in the past 18 months I haven't really been able to choose how to respond at first, but over time this has been a tiny bit easier as I make more sense of these events.

Something that fell into my lap in the past few weeks has been the latest series of "Ted Lasso" which I mentioned earlier. Rather than go into an in depth analysis of this brilliant series, let me just say that it has only reinforced further the benefits of being vulnerable and opening up to others. So many instances of it in the latest series that I have been able to relate to so much, it has been a godsend.

Life was just fun with her.

After spending 34 years together it is still hard to become accustomed to doing things without someone who has been there with you all the time. I still expect to see her sitting in her favourite chair, or hearing the usual comments when I do something wrong or cook something the wrong way ! We weren't averse to having our say!

It has been a massive learning curve and I am still only learning how to cope without her.

Perhaps the greatest joy that she experienced in her final years was becoming a grandmother for the first time to our beautiful Grandson Henry.

Jen just adored Henry and it breaks my heart that she can't be here to watch him grow up and be a part of his life. Also, that Henry won't really have many or any memories of her as well. Jen's mum always gave our boys matchbox cars and books every time she visited, and Jen had continued this tradition with Henry. It's now up to me to continue this in her memory, something that I am determined to do just as well as she would have. It's a great legacy to leave Jen !!

When Jen became really sick she made me promise that I'd get myself checked and sorted, as I was carrying a few niggles due to my own injuries and illnesses over the years. A few months after her passing I decided to heed her advice and haven't the doctors in Bendigo had a field day since!! I'm sure they see me as a Cash Cow every time I walk in their surgeries, and I'm still getting things done. But all of this is minor to what she went through, I'm not sick, just broken.

Well Readers, this post doesn't have much structure at all to it as I've rambled around a bit. It has been just a bit hard to really focus as it has been a hard write. Tomorrow will be a hard day, but then today has been hard, Wednesday will be hard, every day is hard. 

The support that the boys and I have had has been overwhelming, which is indicative of the love, respect and esteem in which Jen was held in our community. 

Thank you everyone 🙏

As I said earlier, I''m not the first person to lose someone, but my writing about it helps me to cope with it better. The boys and I were so blessed to have had Jen in our lives and our first year without her has been tough. Hopefully the memories we have and the love she had for us will always carry us through the days when we miss her the most.

Until my next post...

❤️